


you're not a demon, there's a reason you're behaving that way

by SuperLemonSealaa



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Adoption, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Butcher Army, Childhood Trauma, DadSchlatt, Daddy Issues, Dead Jschlatt (Video Blogging RPF), Dead Wilbur Soot, Dysfunctional Family, Fainting, Father-Son Relationship, Found Family, Gen, Ghostbur, Goat Toby Smith | Tubbo, He/Him Pronouns For Eret, Hurt/Comfort, Hybrid Jschlatt (Video Blogging RPF), Hybrid Toby Smith | Tubbo, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Medicinal Drug Use, Mentioned Alexis | Quackity, Mentioned Floris | Fundy, Niki and Ranboo sibling supremacy, Older Sibling Eret, Older Sibling Niki | Nihachu, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Parent AU, Parent Jschlatt (Video Blogging RPF), Swearing, Tubbo's President of L'Manberg, Tubbo?? being depressed?? more likely than you may think, Tubbox, enderman ranboo, ghostbur exists, mother mother, no beta we die like Wilbur and Schlatt, sbi, sleepy bois inc - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:14:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 49,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28144440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperLemonSealaa/pseuds/SuperLemonSealaa
Summary: Tubbo starts to question why he feels so submissive to those around him.
Relationships: Dave | Technoblade & Toby Smith | Tubbo & Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Eret & Toby Smith | Tubbo, Jschlatt & Toby Smith | Tubbo, No Romantic Relationship(s), Ranboo & Niki | Nihachu, Ranboo & Toby Smith | Tubbo, Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit
Comments: 54
Kudos: 491





	1. "I had a night, I had a day"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tubbo realizes that his relationship with his family is more complex than he liked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This entire fic is dedicated to my family who's given me trauma <3 Just another venty fic but this time it's about Tubbo and his relationship with parental figures :/ I haven't really seen any streams since the Tubbo exiling Tommy so if this doesn't sound right, trust me i know ;-;
> 
> Also, the chapters will have Mother Mother references, not just from "It's Alright" (which is admittedly the song I am listening to rn) So yeah!! Hopefully, chapters will be updated quickly (most will be posted within a few hours but who knows!!)

Lately, life was spiraling downwards for Tubbo, nothing seemed to be going right for the newly made President. From having to deal with an angry cabinet to exiling his own best friend, it felt like there was an ache in his head that was growing every day. Back when Schlatt was still around, life felt just as rocky. With his two best friends being sent away to who knows where to working as a puppet for Wilbur the entire time, the kid couldn't seem to catch a break around here. Now even Fundy and Quackity, who contributed to the chaos in Tommy's doing, were angry with him. Ranboo stopped speaking as often, which didn't bother him since he was used to the silence but he felt horrible when he began talking even more when he was with Niki.

One night the pair decided to speak to each other on the bench. It felt bittersweet, but Ranboo somehow knew Tubbo needed comfort. For some reason, he was able to read people like a book, which was funny since he was so bad with memory.

"Do you ever feel like there's something missing in your life?"

Ranboo paused for a moment before turning to Tubbo, "Now that you mentioned it, I think so."

"In what way for you, Ranboo?"

The half-Enderman sighed, "Sometimes I get this weird feeling around Niki, like-like-"

Tubbo heard Tommy whisper something about how Ranboo had a thing for her, he used to tease Wilbur about Niki all the time. But then he had remembered Tommy wasn't there anymore.

"Like she's my sister, or-or something." Ranboo scratched the back of his neck.

Tubbo's eyes lit up, family? Was that missing from Tubbo's life?

"She always knows what kind of flowers I am looking for, she always knows how to cheer me up too. It's almost like, we've known each other for years. Which is possible, since she probably has a better memory than me!" He laughed, it was one of the few times Ranboo seemed confident in himself. Tubbo wished he felt proud but he knew this wasn't because of his doing. Ranboo seemed to have a soft spot for who he claimed to be his sister. Only he wished he had someone who he felt the same about.

Tubbo smiled sadly at the taller, "She probably sees you the same way, Ranboo." Ranboo turned his attention to the young President, "How about you, Tubbo? Was there anyone you found to be your missing piece?"

Oh how badly Tubbo wanted to say Tommy. Deep within his gut, he did see Tommy as a brother. But sometimes, when he looked at him, he never saw himself as an equal. As much as Philza ignored the concept of picking favorites ("I don't have a favorite child!") even he had to admit he was lying to himself at times. How the satisfaction in his eyes that was visible to anyone with two working pairs of eyes when he studied Techno, as he fended off zombies. Or how over joyous he was when he received news of Techno's departure to venture the world. Nothing could compare the amount of energy Phil took from himself to teach Techno sword fighting and defense. Some nights, it was Tubbo and Tommy who was Wilbur's own audience, or it was Tommy who joined Tubbo in the garden to gaze at bees. Rarely was Phil ever home, and no doubt was there a chance he may not return. But no one lost fate that he didn't love them all, it would be a damn lie to anyone who heard how he spoke of his children.

That man never took words lightly, they filled the room around him. He spoke about Wilbur's music as though they outplayed any symphony ever made. He showed people drawings that Tubbo had created of bees and of his father defending their home from mobs. He gossiped about how strong and powerful his eldest son truly was. And, of course, he prided himself in sharing the same passion that his youngest son had contained within him. He loved them all so strongly. But still, the pain of knowing who was favored more was scarring, to say the least. He wasn't quite part of the family tree, hell he wasn't even legally adopted. They found him in a box on the street, lost and alone.

"I suppose not, Ranboo." Tubbo turned away from the man to stare at the stars, how he wished for better days. Days where nights were filled with makeshift tents and spooky ghost tales. Days where they merely worried over who would use the red crayon and who was stuck with having to draw with white on black paper. Days where father returning meant he was able to listen to all their stories they kept for him to hear. Now life is more complex than that. One of his mentors is dead. Another attempted to murder him. The next was exiled. At least Phil was alive, but he didn't treat Tubbo the same as when he was younger.

Ranboo spoke softly, "It's getting late, Mr. President." Tubbo flinched at the nickname, Tubbo hoped Ranboo didn't catch it and add it to his journal, "We should head out."

Tubbo looked at Ranboo, then back at the stars. He dreamt of the day he and Tommy shared this very seat, as they listened to music and ratted off the things they wanted to do after the war. A strong sense of nostalgia grazed over him, it drowned him like a pool of lava - unable to get out, unable to escape. These days he wondered if this was all for nothing. Wilbur elected him, but who knows why. It was awful, truly, how his life went from one of an average boy (as average as being left in a box on the side of the road.) to whatever he is now. _New JSchlatt, the name was slurred. Mr. President sounded just as worse._

But Tubbo nodded, "Good idea. Let's go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ranboo and Tubbo are bffs do not @ me hah
> 
> Twitter: celestiastarz  
> Tumblr: celestiastarz


	2. "I lost sight in your arms tonight, It was nice"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tubbo gets hurt, the truth begins to overshadow him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tubbo really needs better parental figures :( Poor kid. Oh, and mystery friend comes to the rescue!

Midnight used to scare Tubbo, when he was younger at least. The sounds of monsters outside frightened him enough to find comfort underneath his father's bedsheets. Techno used to comfort the kid when he wouldn't speak due to being so scared, he told stories of worlds outside their own. God only knows how much Techno endeared the little boy, despite his cover of being a big, scary pigman. As much as Wilbur and Techno treated Tubbo equally, Tubbo admittedly was closer to Techno when he was growing up, he used to even give the kid nicknames. (some stuck with Wilbur.) But when he was about 16, when Techno left home once and for all. Wilbur replaced Techno's spot of being his favorite older brother. Of course, the love Tubbo had for his oldest brother stayed. But it was weakened due to his departure.

Tonight was no different than the cold empty nights he was experienced when Techno was away. No one was there anymore to tell him stories of structures and worlds that existed before his time. Wilbur wouldn't even let Tubbo in his own room when he wasn't verbal with his emotions. Tommy allowed Tubbo to stay with him, but he felt bad for making his youngest brother treat him as such a baby. He felt useless on his own. Although he fought just as well as Techno, even if he was able to put his foot down better than Wilbur, and he was the bravest kid Phil had ever seen - he would always be second best to Tommy. Wilbur was his mentor, his teacher, and his friend. (Ghostbur was all that remained from Wilbur's poor old soul.) Meanwhile, Tubbo was just clingy. He needed to latch onto someone or something to feel safe, perhaps that was his father's doing when he left them alone.

But now, that fear of being forgotten began to close onto him as he found himself stuck in the middle of town, with his weapons left hidden away. A raid on L'Manberg had begun. Ranboo couldn't help since he was with Niki for most of his days. Now he was fighting without his very own minute man. He grew fearful as the men rained arrows onto him, as though he was their only target in the world. Tubbo knew he would return to his bed, but that didn't make this defeat any less embarrassing. As his health lowered, so did his body as he was lasting on his final hearts.

He fought with all his heart contentment, unknowing to the sheer amount of power the men had over him. As they pulled back on their bows, more and more fired at him. No matter how far he pushed them back, they somehow found ways to trick him into safety. Tubbo hoped that he would respawn, unlike Wilbur or Schlatt. He knew those men were purely gone. Suddenly, he was hit with a realization. No one was going to protect L'Manberg for him when the war is over. Tommy was gone. Quackity and Fundy might, but their main concern was killing Techno. Wilbur was... Wilbur. Niki never would rule anything, much less her own home. Eret was king, sure, but that didn't mean he was fit to be President.

The worry and anxiety rose inside of him, as arrows plunged themselves into his body. Blood spilled out as he was unable to move his arms. As he fell to his knees, he prayed to the Gods that maybe they would pity him. He wasn't foolish enough to believe it but was in a state where foolishness had to phase over him to survive. He had to hold on, hold onto his final moment of oxygen.

Then, a figure appeared before him. His eyes may deceive him but even he knew it was Eret, the king of the SMP, who had swung his sword into the hearts of those who attacked a young kid. A strange sense of familiarity sought into Tubbo's soul, as though he had been there before. Memories were flying around him as his eyes fluttered shut.

_"Tubbo?" Were Eret's last words before Tubbo's vision went black._

When he woke up again, the sunlight shined down onto his face. As dried sweat dripped down his forehead, he tried to sit up. His body was too fatigued and frail to even attempt for a few moments. Had he slept for that long? Was he that weak? As his eyes squinted, he saw a man before him. Although, with blurry vision, he could still see the concern drawn upon his face. Tubbo blinked again, this time his vision cleared.

"Eret?"

"Are you okay? I tried to ask Niki to help bandage any wounds, but she was busy with Ranboo. Apparently, he got attacked too." Eret spoke quickly, too bad Tubbo's brain couldn't keep up. He was sat in front of him, on a wooden stool, and leaned towards him. It must not be very comfy if he had to rock forward, Tubbo should look into getting him a better chair.

"Ughhh-" he sighed, "Wh-where's Tommy..?" He had asked.

Eret frowned, "He's not here, Tubbo." Eret ruffled his hair, which made Tubbo hummed, "Do you need anything?"

Tubbo didn't say anything because, truthfully, all he needed was Tommy. He would've teased him for getting hurt by low-level mobs, but still worry for him in a way a brother should. He just wanted to Tommy to tell him he was a big man, that nothing was going to hurt him as long as he was there for him. He just wanted to hear his laugh, he just wanted to know he was okay.

Eret had studied Tubbo's face before stood up and walked away. He fell slightly lopsided, as a force pulled him back. When he looked back, a deary sight appeared before him. A small, rumpled-haired boy with eyes that had seen things no child should. His eyes were red but held back tears that threaten to drop if he opened his mouth. His hand, which was firmly wrapped around Eret's sleeve, told him everything he wanted to say. Please don't leave me.

"I'll be right back, Tubbo, I just need to get you meds and a glass of water." His voice softened, for some reason, Tubbo felt lightheaded by it. He never heard a man with a voice that could overpower the strongest of winds could speak so delicately and so kindly. It was for him. That voice was saved for him, he believed.

Somehow, his hands slipped away. He trusted Eret would return. No doubt in his body he wouldn't. Still, it was strange. Why was he being so gentle with Tubbo? Was he not also the child he had betrayed all those years ago? Was he not someone to be fearful and unloving to? Tubbo was hurt and had no control over his own mind though. He kept still and allowed everything to play out.

Eret had a glass of water and a pill waiting for him. Tubbo didn't flinch when he came back, mostly because he was still unable to register what was going on. He didn't need anything, he just wanted to go back to sleep.

Eret sighed, "You have to take it, Tubs." Tubbo wanted to ask Eret how he knew about the nickname since it was something Wilbur used to call him and from what he knew, Eret couldn't communicate with Ghostbur (even he knew Ghostbur wouldn't have remembered those days either, they weren't very happy anyway) so it was odd.

But for some reason, the name didn't leave a bad taste in his mouth. It wasn't said by Wilbur's general coldness, nor was it said with Tommy's overall annoying nature. Yet Eret was able to conjure a warmth inside of his small body, a warmness that caused comfort and love. With Eret's presence, he used to believe he had to be fearful around the man. But nothing came from being afraid it seems, even if the man was going to hurt him, Niki wouldn't have allowed it. He did mention her. And why lie about seeing her, it would be asking for death from the woman.

Tubbo grumbled, as he took the pill and drowned it down quickly with water. As he placed the glass on the bedside table, Eret smiled at him. And even though his eyes were concealed by his sunglasses, he could tell they glistened back at him. "You're a good kid, Tubs." That again with the nickname, the very one that caused him to lay back down on the bed. The covers were very thick and soft, he felt as though he could sleep for years in this bed. Although he didn't quite know where he was, he assumed he was in Eret's castle. He shared the castle with Niki and Ranboo sometimes, which comforted him knowing they wouldn't let anything bad happen to him (Tubbo, he means, not just the President of L'Manberg.) 

Eret hummed a tune softly, as his fingers combed through Tubbo's messy hair. The boy was drowsy and began to yawn loudly. Tubbo relaxed into his pillow, as the tiredness took him. He began to snore quietly as Eret sang:

_"With Tubbo, Tommy, Fundy, and Eret."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eret and Tubbo bonding hours. He needs a better family even though he exiled his younger brother, lol
> 
> Twitter: celestiastarz  
> Tumblr: celestiastarz


	3. "And if you’re bleeding from the heart, I'll come around"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tubbo goes for a walk, he then meets up with someone who is not wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to get chapters out everyday since I have winter break this week and this is very fun to write. :)

Ever since Tubbo woke up, his arm was killing him. He predicted that he broke it when he fainted or something, but Eret patched it up pretty well along with Niki and Ranboo there helping as well. With Niki's assistance and Ranboo's precision, they were able to get his arm in a brace in no time. Tubbo was always impressed by his friends' wit and skill, they should be full-time doctors at this point. But he was getting ahead himself, he wasn't fully healed from what had happened. Although he knew his nation was lacking in many things, a major one had always come into play and it was security.

Not many people would protect him, much less for an entire nation. Ranboo could, but Niki would refuse to let him go as she was worried for his own health. For as strong as Ranboo was, he was still injured. No one told him how or why, he assumed it was due to the raid but it could have been anything. He was still unable to talk so Tubbo might not know until he was feeling better. It sucked, Ranboo would've provided so much. But it didn't matter, he would be okay as long as he rested. Besides, it wasn't like Tubbo wasn't able to talk to other people. He was even allowed to leave as long as he wore a cast at all times.

So he left to do some unfinished business. He headed straight to the graveyard, to Schlatt's grave. As he walked, he felt his legs tremble beneath him. It was like all that anticipation left him with this uneasy feeling, the universe was basically begged for him to stay away from this place. But he had a few colorful words to say to this man.

"I'm nothing like you," Tubbo mumbled, "I-I can't be like you!" His voice trembled as it echoed throughout the empty field.

Schlatt never cared for his people, all he desired was destruction and sorrow. If the people were weakened, they would have no choice but to listen to him. He was all L'Manberg had left of their city, they wouldn't be able to disobey as much as Niki did. But Tubbo was nothing like him. He loved his people, he would do anything for them. Fundy and Quackity would never understand why the exile was crucial to their nation, Tommy was nothing but a liability. Still, he couldn't help but feel awful for what he had done. He would no longer see him anymore, he won't be able to mess around with his brother.

_Why did you do it? He heard Fundy ask._

But he knew there was only one answer to that, it was to protect him. Tommy wished for nothing but chaos. As much as he wanted to be nothing like Wilbur, he had to admit he was everything Wilbur was. They longed for chaos, they wished for fighting and war because it was what brought them freedom and peace. Even if Dream had marked a line in the sand, Tommy would have snuck his way to the other side and trample on it like a wild beast. Nothing would contain him. This was a wake-up call for him.

"I hate you," he cried out, his breathing was uneven, "Nothing bad would have happened if you-if you-" For some reason, his mouth ran dry.

Coldness washed over him, a breeze hit merely his neck as he rubbed his warm hand over it. He felt anxious, as though he was being watched. He breathed in a gentle breathe, then he slowly turned behind him as he hoped for the figure to reveal themselves. Sadly, all that had stood there were graves from pets before him. Turbo smiled, relief washed over him. He turned back to face Schlatt's grave, with a strange sense of bravery. And then...

"Hey kid."

Tubbo had nearly died twice.

"What the fuck?" He screamed, he stumbled backward, if he moved further, he was sure he would need another cast.

"Oh sorry, didn't mean to scare you. It's just that, you're near my grave so I assumed it meant you wanted to talk to me." The man had black, horizontal eyes. Two horns, from the top of his head, hung low near his cheekbones. Two fluffy ears emerged from his shaggy, brown hair. Although, for his scary and almost demon-like appearance, he wore a light blue sweater with a black heart pinned to his chest. He seemed oddly friendly if only he didn't have much an ominous, deep voice that echoed whenever he spoke.

Wait, didn't he mention this was his grave. It was true that this man looked like Schlatt but Tubbo didn't want to hold on to the truth that he was still alive.

"Apologizes for the late appearance, Ghostbur tried to hand one of his weird-looking flags. It took me nearly 20 minutes before he gave up and went to Philza instead." He laughed, "Plus I wanted to drink, until... I realized my, uh, current state.."

That was it. This was no other than Schlatt. But it couldn't be.

"I don't actually think you're who I am looking for."

"Hmm?"

Tubbo walked away, "Schlatt would never wear something like that, he died in his business suit. All he cared about was work."

Schlatt's (?) ghost trailed behind him, "Well, that is correct. I think. I did, however, own a business before coming here after all. But I didn't want to miss the opportunity that was given to me!"

Tubbo wished he would just go away. Even if this was Schlatt, he hated to admit it but he missed Schlatt when he was alive. At least he wasn't as annoying and scarier. He figured he can handle scary now, after almost dying to mostly his entire family.

"What opportunity?" Tubbo asked.

"Well, you remember when I was banned right?"

Tubbo nodded, still on edge.

"Wilbur wanted to bring me as his opponent, so I agreed to it." Schlatt smiled, for some reason, it made his appearance worse. It was like he was baring his teeth before an attack or something, with his teeth as sharp as knives.

That... that didn't sound right. He assumed Ghostbur and Schlatt had at least spoken about it before, for some reason Ghostbur remembered what people said about Schlatt and lied. Or maybe Schlatt just forgot. Tubbo wouldn't know until he asked Ghostbur later that day. He didn't want to pry, no matter who it was, not one person deserves to feel like a burden like Ghostbur had felt ever since people told him that they hated him. Working up to a false sense of perfection was dangerous, no matter dead or alive.

"So what made you yell at my grave?"

Tubbo stopped when he asked that. Why did he go there of all places? No matter if his ghost was there or not, it seemed unreasonable. It was irrational to visit a place that filled him with dread. Schlatt's legacy would leave a bad taste in his mouth, it was a stain on what was L'Manberg's history.

 _You're not thinking logically_ , he could hear Quackity say to him, _you remind me of Schlatt._

Tubbo shook off those thoughts. They provided nothing but theories.

"I wanted to get some words off my chest." Tubbo's voice felt like it was miles away from where he was going, "It was nothing."

Schlatt's body language was clearly not buying it, but Tubbo was and that was all that mattered to him.

"Well, if you ever need to vent out any frustrations," Schlatt turned his floating body so that he faced the yard behind them, "my grave is always there. It's hardly visited anyway, so I don't mind what you do there!" Schlatt flashed one more smiled before he evaporated into nothing but dust.

Tubbo backed away as the particles flew from where Schlatt's ghost once was. He was frightened that maybe, within his imagination, this was all a dream. He ran as fast as he could to get away from his nightmare.

His legs took him to Eret's castle once again, where Niki was nearby the entrance. Thankfully, she was empty-handed because Tubbo ran into her arms as soon as he saw her. She threw her arms up as she was scared by the touch, but as she observed the small boy as he sobbed in her arms, she fell to her knees and hugged him back. He cried over her body, as she whispered calming messages of endearment. His cries were nonsensical and noncoherent, but Niki was there and that's all that matters.

As he cried, he felt his boy crumble in her arms. His face landed on her shoulder, as he dozed off. Niki laughed softly, as she carried him back to bed. She tucked him into bed, as the covers brought him relief. He felt protected here, in the castle in the middle of nowhere. Where Eret was king, where Niki cared for all of them. She brushed his hair out of his face, he felt loved for the first time in years.

If only he was awake for a while longer, he could see the hope twinkle in Niki's eyes as he fell into a slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I continue to use mother mother as song inspiration? I am a new fan after all so hopefully the chapter titles still make sense!!
> 
> Twitter: celestiastarz  
> Tumblr: celestiastarz


	4. "And I washed my hands of a dirty town"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tubbo is scared for his own sanity, thankfully someone helps him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for making Tubbo sick and tired for these past few chapters, he did get his arm broken just a few chapters ago though. Let my mans rest, he needs a break from all this stress, speaking of stress: here comes Tubbo feeling crazy! :D

Tubbo never realized how limited his time with Niki was. She was often very busy, with her bakery and now with her flower shop with Puffy, she barely had much time to just hang out with friends. But since both her friends (possibly one being her brother?) were injured, she decided to take a break from work and focus on their health. Niki always somewhat took a motherly form when it came to her friends, whether it be to defend and protect or care for them. When she walked into his room, he was always given a dessert and his pill along with the water to drown it in. The pain never truly went away but the pills stopped him from going completely insane. She usually spoke to him as she sat on the side of his bed, which he was happy to listen to even though he didn't try to talk at times. She acted like she knew why he was so quiet, but really it wasn't for any of the reasons she thinks.

When she left, he couldn't help but feel empty. It was lonely by himself, no one let him leave in fear of losing yet another leader. All he could do was lay in bed and listen to the sounds from outside his window. Sometimes, he heard music but he didn't know from where. He wished sometimes that Wilbur wasn't transparent, he recently heard that he is unable to hold his own guitar in this form. Wilbur's music always calmed him down. He doubted that even if he were able to play for him, he probably would feel more anxious than delighted. Still, he liked to hold onto this hope that his brother was always there for him.

As Tubbo mourned for the death of both his brother and childhood, an abnormally loud noise crashed throughout the castle. His eyes widened, he tried to track down the placement of the sound but since the castle was literally made up of echoes and noise, (he could hear gentle footsteps from people who weren't even near his room) it was near impossible. Tubbo waited for a moment, he prayed that maybe someone else heard it too and went to help. When no one came, he had no other choice. He sighed - he knew that if no one was going to help, he would.

But the knowledge that no one would help him if he was to be in danger, stung a little. Even though it was easier to accept the truth of the situation, he wanted to pretend that none of this ever happened. He would rather doubt than to understand that he was truly alone.

As he exited his room, a crash ripped through the air. This time, Tubbo heard it from the hallway next to him. He ran past windows of stained glass, some that depict the events of the Dream SMP war. (He ignored the broken one of Eret in the final control room, he told Tubbo he would remove it anyway.) As he stood stiffly, he saw the man again. He was in front of a broken window, as he held an even more broken potted plant that was next to him. Tubbo predicted that he came in and fell on it, somehow. Even as a ghost he was clumsy as shit. Tubbo scoffed at the sight, but Schlatt's grin was enough to set him over the edge. It was a smile that welcomed death to its fullest, and those types of people scared him. Even Will rejected the idea that he was ever Wilbur, he called him Alivebur instead of his own name. But Schlatt never changed, his sharp teeth threaten any who crossed him.

A strange noise was released from the monster's mouth, it sounded like a mix between a sheep and a devil. One look at that man and you would be tarnished. Tubbo would rather not be fish food. So he backed away before he darted full speed to the other side of the castle. Schlatt's voice carried from the other end of the hallway, due to his new form - it echoed so dreadfully. Tubbo felt his body ache but it was overpowered by his instinctual nerves.

He tried to scream, "What the fuck?" was all that he could say.

He didn't know why he did, maybe it would alarm Schlatt. He continued to shout curses until he realized it was most likely doing the opposite and only brought that beast closer. When he looked around too, he saw that the castle was empty. As his legs brought him further and further away from the man following him, he felt like something was amiss. Were he and this ghost really the only two in the whole castle? Was he only dreaming? Why would Niki give him something that would make him lucid dream something like this, though?

Questions continued to fill his head, as he made it to the other side of the castle, but where to next? He had no place to go after this. After a quick scan, he decided a closet in front of him was his best bet. Although he wondered why it was there in the first place, since Eret joked about not needing them anymore, he realized why when he trapped himself inside. It was a storage room, not big enough to fit any more than one person. He theorized that Eret just tossed things he didn't want inside there. Tubbo didn't care to look.

He kept his ear on the door, he waited for any more sounds coming from Schlatt's mouth. But they died down over time, either that or Tubbo's vision was going black again. Either way, no matter what story one believed, they ended the same - with him, on the door, fast asleep.

He woke up again, this time in Niki's room. He blinked twice before he realized where he was. He shuddered when he tried to sit up, only to feel a weight on his legs. When he looked up, he has greeted by Niki herself. She looked

Niki was on the bed, she shot an apologetic smile when she realized, scooting closer to the edge as usual. No matter what she did, she always put others before herself, even during the war times. It was dangerous before, but her small gestures were welcomed here. To be frank, Niki was always someone he wished he had more time to spend with. She was kind and gentle, but she stood up for what she believed in no matter the cost. Even if it left her in shambles.

She reached for his arm, rested her hand on it as a sign of love, "Are you feeling better?" She asked, her voice gentle as he had just woken up. He was thankful for it.

He didn't know what to think, he just woke up from what appeared to be a nightmare. A man, or a ghost, chased him down a hallway as he felt his heart fall from his chest. It was either that or some kind of deranged hallucination.

"Hgh-" Tubbo tried, but nothing would help him speak. Truthfully, Niki didn't need him too. He already answered what she was asking.

Niki's eyes lit up, she was clearly in thought, "Oh right, I think- I think we have to switch your meds."

Tubbo winced at those words, "W-why?" He understood why she was a concern, he did cause disruption for her. But was it all that bad for a change in pills?

"Well, Eret heard you running. We didn't know where you went since we were all upstairs. But we looked everywhere for you, Ranboo was the one who found you in the closet. We think you were.. um, seeing things." Her voice went quiet at those final words.

"O-oh god, so th-that wasn't a fucked up dream?"

"I suppose not. I believe we may have had a break-in as well."

Tubbo nearly jumped at those words. Schlatt being an illusion was one thing he could accept but a break-in?

"Wh-what makes you say that?"

"Well, the window was broken downstairs and some important things were out of place." Niki said, "If we had an intruder, I would understand though - I mean, it's no secret the President is here. But I cannot believe I held onto the hope that L'Manberg was the safest place around, I guess that was my fault for forgetting."

"N-no!" Tubbo shouted, "Don't blame yourself for something stupid like that, that was on me. No one should be afraid about safety or for anyone else's for that matter."

Niki frowned but didn't speak. Tubbo disappointed her, hadn't he? He knew this wasn't something to be easily forgiven, but he promised them all that under his roof no one will be hurt. Ever since the raid, his passive behavior showed up to be his weakness. Without guidance, there was no way he'll be able to survive, no doubt be fit to rule a whole country. He may have to talk to Dream, he did say he wanted to speak with him after Tommy's exile. Dream wasn't someone he thought he could rely on, but he had no choice in the matter. He was in charge of everything, he was the reason why he wasn't dead in the water. Any sign of basic kindness was awarded, what's wrong with a little more.

"Well, as I said, change of meds should make you not see gruesome things that will scare you," Tubbo wanted to groan at that, but Niki continued, "speaking of which, Tubbo, what did you see?"

Tubbo thought for a moment. Should he tell her truthfully? Schlatt's ghost was a lot more for her to take in than Ghostbur, she didn't believe in the latter one. So his mind raced for what to say. He didn't want the meds to change that much since they did keep the pain away, but at the same time if she heard the full truth.. maybe she could help him.

"It was.. a monster," Tubbo answered with something that was in between.

"A-a monster?" Niki looked stunned, her face went pale.

"Y-yeah," Tubbo looked away as best as he could, he was perched up in bed, "it was... scary, to say the least."

"Sounds scary, you made a lot of noise downstairs. We thought you were the intruder first!"

He thought that he should keep the Schlatt part to himself for now. It wasn't kind to scare people, nonetheless, the ones who have to care for you and your treatment options are limited.

"D-do you have to switch the meds?" He asked, nervous, "What if.. what if others won't work?"

"I doubt that's the case, I may not be too fond of medicine but Wilbur very much is. He taught me everything he knew, I don't think they switch medicines that fast." Talking about him in the present tense, does she think he's still alive? He ignored that, he tried to push her away from that option.

"I know, I know." Tubbo felt defeated, "You're the nurse here, but the pain did go away when I took them so-"

"Then you mustn't worry!" Niki sat up, her face was brighter than before, "I know a lot about painkillers and although many have dreadful side effects, I assure you that I will make sure the next one won't give you night terrors or have to see deadly monsters." Before Tubbo could argue any longer, she bounced out of the room. Tubbo was jealous of her determination.

In truth, the changed pills shouldn't affect anything but his arm. Somehow, it coincidentally affected his mental state too. If the pills were to be changed, visually what would also change? How he viewed the world? The man he saw wouldn't just be apart of his crazed imagination. Would he accept it as truth? No, didn't Wilbur say most painkillers caused delusions? Maybe Tubbo was just doing everything he could so he could view it through red-tinted glasses. However, if he didn't, it would do nothing but drain the life out of him. For today, that belief was all he could accept until tomorrow when his pills changed. He sighed before he grabbed the corner of his blanket and threw it across the bed. He stood up, stretched, and quickly went to look for a piece of paper and ink in the room.

_He had a letter to write._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please understand that Niki and Tubbo interactions fuel me and they are all I need in life. Anyways, another chapter today too??? :DDD Maybe!!!
> 
> Thank you so much for the love and support!!! ;3 this if one of my favorite fics to do because I never have a chance to just sit down and write, so thank you for the kudos :)
> 
> Twitter: celestiastarz  
> Tumblr: celestiastarz


	5. "Play that God a poker game, Walk away with all our little God's spare change"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tubbo finally speaks to God.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating everyday :( I got writer's block suddenly, so sorry if my writing is more spontaneous nowsdays. I will try to update as much as I can <3 Thank you all for the support :)
> 
> Now welcome to God meeting up with Kid President :D

It wasn't uncommon to see Tubbo and Dream interact, they have many times before. But no matter how many times Tubbo had spoken to him, he always felt an unnervingly dread after it. It was almost like he brought an unloving nature to all those who cross him. Before war times, back when it was all playing with fire, Tubbo had oddly kind talks with the man. He always believed in him, he told him how important he was to his own team. Of course, that was before... all of this happened. Nowadays, he acted more like a myth, like a figure that will only appear if it was asked of him. Many compare him to the likes of a God, which is awfully scary when you think about it. He is their creator though, it was no doubt in that. But to worship and pray to him as though he was above you was like walking on a tightrope. It was a dangerous ordeal. 

Still, Tubbo found himself to be walking on that edge. With no one else to turn to, he felt as though he was about to fall at any moment. L'Manberg cannot be another fallen kingdom underneath the sea. He will never allow that, L'Manberg will not go down in vain.

He had asked Dream to meet him near New L'Manberg (he called it that for some reason), in the middle of the market place. And all he had to do was wait for the man to show up and they could start to discuss. The winter came early this year, at least that's what Tubbo thinks. He was hardly outside, apart from his last walk to the graveyard at night but it was always cold during that time, now he finally saw the beginnings of snow on the ground. Niki had scolded Tubbo when she saw him clothed in merely a suit and told him to wear warm clothing. Which was pretty embarrassing enough, until she forced him to meet Dream in one of her coats, which had faux fur near the collar. That was even worse. Thankfully, the fit was snugged enough, even though he wished he was able to look more formal but the coat didn't bother him with his cast. So, comfort over formal - he supposed. He couldn't help but feel anxious about how he was presented though. But all fear but being too casual for a meeting was diminished the moment Dream showed up in a green hoodie. Tubbo could roll his eyes at that, he said it was a serious meeting in the letter. That man couldn't dress in a suit to save his life. 

"Hey Tubbo." Dream flashed a smile at the younger, his teeth glistening like a predator before it devolved its prey. At first glance, he appeared normal. Until you noticed his purple chest plate. He still had his armor on for some reason, by the looks of it, the armor was shined recently - either that or Tubbo's mind had played tricks on him which was not uncommon for him. It felt like everything he saw was a challenge between reality and fiction.

"Hello Dream," Tubbo straightened up and kept a formal attitude, even when Dream didn't, "You remember the policy, correct?" He pointed at Dream's armor, disapprovingly.

Dream stood for a moment, aloof, Tubbo had assumed that Dream's eyes widened when he realized what the kid meant by that. So, he removed his armor and placed them into a chest for safekeeping, that was when Tubbo realized something about the man. That his faceless figure frightened him at times, Tubbo was unable to get an idea of what his face was like since it was always covered by that stupid porcelain mask. Still, maybe his face was that horrible. Imagining his face, with scars and all, felt more like a nightmare than probably seeing the thing. But who's to say.

"Apologizes for that, heh." Dream didn't seem too sorry about it, "I got your letter recently, you got a quick messenger over there. Despite him trying to inflict his musical genius onto me." Dream laughed at his own joke, which made Tubbo sighed. 

No matter what, he always got let down by the people he ordered. It may have been his own fault, after all, he was not able to go to L'Manberg for a long while - maybe people there just forgot about him. Quackity and Fundy ran the place well, but he feared that something may go wrong if he doesn't step in. That was why Dream was there. He wasn't for either side, neither right nor wrong. He was for chaos and whatever made his story more interesting. Sometimes Tubbo would worry about the amount of control he gave Tubbo, as he hoped it wasn't all a joke

"Yeah, Ghostbur can have a... strange sense of delivery when it comes to these things." Tubbo scratched the back of his head, "Still, I hope you cleared out enough time-"

"I always have time for you-"

"-because this might take a while," Tubbo began to walk away, he expected Dream to follow him around, "so, as you know, Tommy was exiled."

Dream strolled up, he was taller so it was easier for him to keep up, "Oh I remember. I mean- I should, cause I did it." Dream's smile was still visible as he laughed, "But that was very smart of you, Tubbo. I know you made the right choice."

Tubbo couldn't help but feel lightheaded by that. It's been so long since he was genuinely complimented. Unless that was a lie or something, but Dream said it with so much softness. Someone with no feelings wouldn't dare to show weakness like that. Even if he was said to be cruel, would a heartless man like himself even be capable of being kind? Tubbo wished he was brave enough to test it, but he wasn't. He had something Dream never understood - fear. Hesitating was all Tubbo was ever able to do, but it'll end today.

"Dream, I wish to do business with you." Tubbo didn't feel right, but his body moved without his control.

Dream fixed his mask, hummed weakly, and tilted his head, "What kind of business?"

Tubbo pulled on his collar, it felt like it was tight. Tubbo had to be brave today, no matter what, "Well, I have a proclamation," Tubbo had to be strong, for his friends, "as service for removing the pest, my country has to be recognized officially in your eyes, doesn't that sound fair?"

Tubbo held onto the belief that Dream strongly believed in the "You scratch my back, I scratch yours" mentality. Tubbo had done what was asked of him, in return, he should be allowed to make policies for Dream to follow since he followed his. However, you can spin it another way. Tubbo's immense guilt caused him to go soft on his brother, meanwhile, he was still allowed citizenship to roam freely within the figurative walls of L'Manberg. Tubbo didn't do Dream a service, instead, he acted on what he was supposed to do in the first place. But it ended the same way: painfully.

Dream was skeptical of this exchange, which was reasonable since the young President hardly ever sounded this confident in anything before. It wasn't uncommon for Dream to be tricked, for as smart as the man is - he was truly blinded by trust in others at times. Honestly, it's probably the reason he ended up like this. Quiet, reserved, hardly moving, and hardly visible. It was a scary persona to keep up, but he had skill in it. Especially after being hated for so long during war times. As the creator of the world, he had no choice but to go into hiding at that point. He could easily destroy the world in a second. But there wasn't something he treasured more than his server.

"What's in it for me?" 

Tubbo stood still, the coldness hit the back of his neck. It feels like home again. 

Dream went quiet. He plotted when in silence, it reminded the young boy of the soldiers who helped them fight against the very man who stood before him. He knew silence was dangerous, but he was a warrior at heart. Spears and swords were all he had ever known, even when he was a child. His father taught him the art of war when he was present and not, when he was alive and when it felt like he had died years ago. Tubbo had played this game. He knew how to finish it.

Tubbo turned his head slightly, so he was in front of Dream but he still received his profile. Bravery and calmness were in that pose. He looked like a child and an adult all at the same time. Like seconds turned into years.

A lazy smile drifted to his face, "Power, that's all you need. Right?" His arms lifted from his shoulders, he presented the world as though he crafted it himself, "You deserve respect and admiration. For the protection of my heart, I must respect your brawns."

Dream allowed his head to fall, the temptations had gotten to him. He bore a loud laugh that roared throughout the city, he held out his gloved hand. His hand, that's attached to the arm that once rebuilt cities and structures, was now a symbol of common respect. It meant more than just a handshake, it was a sign that Dream would defend L'Manberg, when the time called for it. It meant Niki and Eret could stay in the castle all they liked, but no fear would return in their eyes the next time he saw Tubbo. It meant Ranboo could run as President and win, and nothing awful would happen because L'Manberg was saved. It wasn't making a deal with the devil; he was making a deal with life and death itself. The man who could give him the world and then take it away at his weakest point. It meant they had an angel of doom on their side.

And he took it. Tubbo took Dream's hand and shook it. The bargain was done. The deed was set.

Dream returned to his chest filled with his armor, with Tubbo by his side who looked more relaxed than ever. As the taller, clothed himself in his armor, he flashed another dazzling smile at the kid. This time, he smiled back. Not realizing he had shown off his newly sharpened teeth.

"Oh, Tubbo." Dream cackled suddenly, "This is the start of a wonderful friendship."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am running out of good chapter titles for this fic but I am happy I chose mother mother as inspiration for this because I love their songs lol 
> 
> Once again, thank you all for the support + You are all so kind!! :))
> 
> (no spoilers but the next four chapters will be a big journey :O just note each chapter contains a major character who charges Tubbo in this downwards spiral direction so watch out for that ;p)
> 
> Twitter: celestiastarz  
> Tumblr: celestiastarz


	6. "I think I might be scared, Of the world and the way it makes you feel afraid"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tubbo had to question what "family" even means.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas y'all!! Happy Holidays gang!! Happy new year finally!! Hope you have a nice day!! Enjoy some angst from yours truly <3
> 
> I might update twice but idk yet, times still ticking! lol
> 
> (p.s. this is my favorite song title chapter lol!!)

L'Manberg was always the homeland of freedom, there was no doubt in that. However, even freedom needed a boundary. With every free country, there were rules and policies that were inevitable. This was true with L'Manberg as well. Wilbur had done a great job with the kickstart of rules and regulations; alas only if his mental stability abided with the long-lasted isolation and betrayal he had felt. Tubbo merely continued it as best as he could. He was only a young boy compared to the adults that had surrounded himself with, he was still unsure of his own leadership. The closest to independence he got was when he decorated the festival for Schlatt. It was a memory he had decided to hide deep inside of his mind. It was the main reason he could not believe that man was still around, that he still existed in the world that was never made for him. A man who was bred to be hated by all, with his horns and teeth that were sharp enough to rip through meat with no problem. Still, he didn't have to worry about him for a long while. He died in front of him and, despite all odds, they won. He didn't have a need to exist.

At least, protection wasn't a huge deal anymore. Dream gathered his men to defend him and his country, they all stood tall and proud. It was an unusual sight to witness, since only days before Tommy's exile, he threatened to increase the size of the walls to trap them inside. But he listened to Tubbo's demands of protection for his people. He listened to him and followed suit. He wasn't evil, he cared deeply for the needs of the people. It was one thing so far, but Tubbo believed that Dream had changed again for the better.

"It changed for the better," Dream had told him, as they overlooked the men lined up to serve justice to those who cross L'Manberg, "I believe you're a good president, lad."

Tubbo wanted to tell Dream all about the pain he had endured, the lies were now being held up against him like a trophy - they mocked him and taunted him relentlessly. He didn't want to hurt his family like this, he never cared about tearing them apart. All he wanted was for them to come back together. But a dark side of him emerged at times, that side told him that family meant nothing to him if he had L'Manberg. That family was a string that merely entangled him. Bodies linked with blood were still only bodies. That side of him was the scariest at night when Niki tucked him in bed and Eret sang a tune for him to sleep and Ranboo read him a bedtime story. When the world was at peace, Tubbo's mind was at war.

He ignored his temptations. That was all he could do. He was unable to fight them, so he took them as bravely as he could. Like a lone wanderer, he never fought through the pain but rather survived through it. He felt like that was his attitude towards life. He was merely someone who was happy to be able to wake up. He could stare for hours into space, but be glad nonetheless because he was able to. Sometimes, he found himself in front of Phil's house when he did that. His eyes were always more interested in the wooden door before than the man himself. He was too afraid to knock, so he just stood there dumbly until Ranboo caught up and brought him to a new location.

But this time was different. Phil opened the door while the boy, tired and stressed, glared at him in his face. The older widened his eyes, then his mouth faded into a smile.

"What's wrong, Tubbo?" Phil asked, "Did you need something?"

Tubbo shook his head quickly, "No, I'm just-just bored around here."

Phil laughed at that, his voice was so calming to Tubbo that he couldn't help but grin. He loved the sound of his joy.

"Boring, eh? Alright, let's go and do something fun, then." Phil placed his hand on Tubbo's shoulder, it was comforting. Phil used to do that to him when he was younger and was too weak to even walk, he was orphaned for a very long time. That touch lingered there for years since and Tubbo felt the warmth from it. It was a reminder that he was loved. He needed that, desperately. Phil had continued: "Me, Quackity, and Fundy were supposed to spar, Ghostbur can't since- well, you know. So you can come and watch us!"

Tubbo couldn't help but feel as if he was an intruder. Usually, he sparred with Tommy, no questions asked, but now things were different. With or without, Tommy was always involved with his life. Every step of the way, he thought of the boy who was too loud for his own good. His words dripped with acid every time he spoke. At times, Tubbo admired it. Others, not so much. But he treasured him and all that came with him: flaws and all. Now he had nothing left of him but a stupid compass, something he was too afraid to tell others about. What if they tried to take that away too?

"Are you sure about that?" Tubbo laughed weakly, it sounded pathetic really. Phil frowned slightly.

"Of course." Phil stated, "Nothing's wrong with a little fighting, right?"

Tubbo shrugged, "I suppose." He then looked down, he got what he wanted so why did he feel so defeated.

Phil noticed that, so he shook Tubbo gently with his hand that was still tightly bounded onto his shoulder, "Hey, loosen up! I get you to have to be formal and everything, but you're still just a kid, you know. Nothing left to lose."

Phil was wrong though. He had a lot to lose. He would lose the one thing that made be youthful, ignorance. If this was any other day back when it was just him and his brothers, Tubbo would be elated that his brothers wanted to fight him and attack with glee. Nowadays, the thought of a sword made him panic. It felt like many people had forgotten what happened to him, how he followed blindly into a trap set up by his own brother. That he was nearly killed by another. That he banished the last one who was on his side. But then again, had they ever cared about him in a way that was familiar? Were they training him only for him to crash and burn at the end? What kind of sick joke was his family upholding? But even children who were too young to be considered kids needed a break. Even with the loss of his childhood, he allowed himself to pretend for a day that everything was fine. Nothing left to lose, he thought to himself. He forced himself to believe every single word.

Sparring was more of a two-man performance between Fundy and Quackity was a bore, especially since he wasn't the one in the middle of it. Phil shouted advice at Fundy while Ghostbur cheered for whoever needed it most. It reminded him of Wilbur and Techno's spars. It amused Tubbo how much time has passed between the two events. From when he was orphaned at a young age to being adopted into the family. Though he learned that the love he was given by Phil was scarce. It wasn't any more than teaching him how to sword fight. Between him and his brothers, he always took the last priority. But still, he liked the attention and Phil did give that to him. So, love was simply that, right? The very acknowledgment of his existence was enough for him.

Tubbo slumped down in his seat, bored out of his mind. He deserved a place in the middle of the battlefield. That was all fighting was good for, right? It was to begin wars, to end wars, and to continue wars. That's the only life Tubbo ever had. As the two men fought, Fundy had gotten the upper hand. Slowly, the fox started to slack off.

"What's wrong, Quackster?" Fundy tilted his head slowly, he sounded so cocky, "Did you get sleepy?"

"I am surprised your hearing is good," Quackity almost sliced Fundy in half. Luckily, Fundy was able to move away in time but it was a close call, "if only your brain was half as good."

Fundy grunted, his ears perked up and his tail began to wag uncontrollably. He got like that when he was anxious. Tubbo was glad he didn't have those extra things to indicate his moods.

"Fundy, pay attention," Phil shouted at the fox, knowingly, "keep your eyes on the prize."

The two fought proudly, with swords in hand - nothing could stop the two from fighting it out. Quackity ended up winning between the two of them, though Fundy was only slightly aggravated. Philza laughed when Fundy began to tease the opponent, he told him that he will "gang up on him" and "get him next time". Philza put his hand on the other's shoulder. The two laughed as they mocked the duck, with Ghostbur taking Quackity's side.

Tubbo's eyes flickered. It was as though time itself froze. Tubbo reached up and touched his own shoulder, the very one Phil had as well. Suddenly, the year faded into seconds, as though all the time he could comprehend melted together like chocolate. It hit him; Phil's love wasn't ever meant for him. His love was like someone taught him how to speak one language, then berate him for not being able to read in another. A swordfight between the love he received and the love he needed began to fight inside his head. Phil's love was never given to them, it was earned through a ridiculous amount of time. That lingering touch began to burn until he realized that even the touch was made up too.

Then, that touch was gone too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not good at writing sparring, as you can tell lol
> 
> Philza: My child is completely fine!  
> Tubbo, stressed out of his mind as president: *wii music*
> 
> Twitter: celestiastarz  
> Tumblr: celestiastarz


	7. "I can hardly stand the sight, I can hardly stand the sound"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tubbo has visitors (and one of them makes him a visitor.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Years! Thank you all for the support on my story once again, this has been the first story I have been able to continue so I am happy to be able to share it with all of you! <3 I haven't been able to write so often until I published this chapter and I know that 9k words (before me publishing this ch lol) isn't a lot for people but it is for to even be able to finish a chapter with 1k at times haha! Thank you for the kudos and comments and bookmarks!! All are greatly appreciated! You guys are great <3
> 
> Now, let's get into more Tubbo angst LOL

Tubbo began to sit closer to Tommy's house since he was exiled, he barely slept since that interaction with Phil. As much as he worried that his country was in danger, he was eager to be able to stay further away from it. He knew that Dream was protecting his people with pride, he had promised so it must be true. But Tubbo still had doubts in the back of his mind that something terrible would happen. As fear began to kick in, he did his best to stabilize it. He even sat closer to the front of Tommy's old house, it was somewhat like a second home to Tubbo. They had quarrels and fits but they ended with them on the bench, nearby Tommy's place. 

Even though he hoped that his people wouldn't worry about his health, he wanted to let them know he was okay. It had been days since his last appearance, after all. He attempted to write a letter to Ranboo, his minute man, in hopes that his words would clear the air. Sadly, Tubbo's dominant hand was currently in a cast, so his handwriting was worse for wear. He continued with it since it would be the first message to arrive and anything was better than silence. As he wrote, he felt a strange presence loom above him. He couldn't take his eyes from the paper, he needed the ink to seep through for a while more. The figure began to get louder and louder but not through the noise, it's presence caused more noise than any sounds it could make. Weakly, Tubbo started to stop his writing and slowly looked up from the page. 

He must be delirious or something because all he saw was a kind face.

Niki smiled, with no bite or teeth, "Hey Tubbo!" She looked like a fairy, it was the only way he could put her. She held a weaved basket in her hand, which smelled like freshly baked pastries. She wore a cropped, lime green button-up along with a long, yellow skirt, and her feet were covered up by the black lace-up boots. She looked angelic compared to Tubbo's dressing, who still wore his same old suit and red tie from the start of his false presidential election. Only it was now torn and dirty due to wear and sleepless nights he spent with racing thoughts.

"Hey Niki," Tubbo put the book and quill on the ground, "How'd you find me?"

"You're not that hard to find," Niki sat next to Tubbo, which caused him to scoot over a bit, "want some?" she pulled out a pile of bread from her basket, as she offered it to him. As he looked at the bread, he felt his stomach grumble. He hardly ate since he left and Niki's goods were very desirable to him.

He nodded and, as soon as she planted it in his hands, it was gone within a few bites. Niki laughed at the sight, which caused Tubbo to give her a crooked smile. Somehow, she was always able to make him feel safe.

"Something's wrong." She said, with her happy tone.

The statement surprised him, "Nothing's wrong." He lied, immediately.

She sighed but kept her smile plastered on her face, she turned away, "Something's wrong, I can tell just from how you avoided us for days after your wounds finally healed." 

It was true, in the SMP it was hard to stay hurt due to the mass production of healing potions and such. It was not that shocking he was able to leave his supposed hospital bed so soon, what was remarkable was that he left his entire country for a few days in favor of someone's old home. It wasn't like he left them a sign or anything. He should've known better.

"I'm fine, I swear. I just needed a break."

"Yeah, I assumed so. I mean, your arm was still in a cast but it wasn't like you were seeing things anymore." Tubbo winced at those words but Niki continued, "But you didn't have a reason to leave the castle. Sure leaving your country was more extreme, but Eret's castle wasn't connected to L'Manberg anyway. You could've just stayed with us if you wanted to get away."

He looked away, "I would do more harm than good staying with you." Tubbo felt weak at those words, like every letter that fell from his mouth laid heavy on his back.

"You wouldn't." Niki reassured.

"Yes!" His head nodded to each beat of his words as his voice got louder, "Yes, I would. All I have ever done was bring trouble, from the first war between the SMP and L'Manberg to now, everything I have ever done had either been swept under the rug or were reminders of the president that came before me."

Tubbo felt awful, he felt just like Schlatt. He felt like a monster whose only purpose is to destroy and hurt people around him.

Niki nearly scoffed at his own statement: "Tubbo, Schlatt was an awful dictator."

"And Wilbur wasn't?" Tubbo never felt more lost and confused, but in those words, he spoke nothing but what he believed, "L'Manberg is my country, Niki, it's more than just a nation - everything I have felt passionate about lies here. My friends, my family. I have to protect the nation that Wilbur had built for me and, by God's name, I will do anything in order for it to not burn down in flames. We've never had a good ruler, I want that to change."

Niki looked saddened, her blue eyes drained of color, but something was shiny within them.

"I know you're stressed, Tubbo, L'Manberg's my only home too. But please, don't see yourself as the next Schlatt. I don't want that man's name rattling in your head, what he had done was worse than anything imaginable. It's more trouble figuring him out than it's worth."

"Y-you know." I see Schlatt in the castle, the graveyard too. Sometimes I think he follows me.

"Hmm?" She hummed, as she tilted her head.

Tubbo looked at her and blinked, his mouth still agape. He didn't know if he had the right words for that discussion yet.

"Can you... can you write a letter to Ranboo?" Tubbo asked, his voice quiet as a mouse. He never felt as though his voice betrayed him any more than in that moment. 

Niki glanced at him, concerned, and nodded, "Yeah, sure. What did you want to say?"

Tubbo explained to her what his chicken scratch resembled (She laughed but never teased.) and told her to make sure the people of L'Manberg were in check. He assigned Ranboo, Fundy, and Quackity assistant positions while he was gone. He also added that when he does return, he will most likely be staying at Eret's castle, which made Niki very happy to hear. When they said their goodbyes, he heard yet another familiar voice. This time it was less welcoming than Niki's smile.

"Hey dad." Tubbo deadpanned, not even looking at the man who stood behind him.

"Tubbo." He used his disappointed father's voice, which he perfected after years of being a parent, "Where were you?"

"Here." Tubbo lifted his hands up weakly.

Phil sighed, he hovered above the Earth as his wings on his back carried him gently. Tubbo was jealous of his ability to sense where people were at all times, his father's half-bird was to blame as well.

"I could tell," Tubbo looked at his father's sandals, still flying it seems, "you look awful."

Tubbo couldn't help but laugh at such a blunt statement.

"Thanks, Dad." He smiled sadly, his voice dripped in sarcasm. Phil walked over to him, had he landed already? The older poked at Tubbo's shoulder, remembrance rushed into his conscious mind. His father's love had meant nothing to him, right? Tubbo looked up at the blonde man, he looked exhausted but not weak. He extended his arm to the boy, he shrugged to indicate that the other should take it. Tubbo thought for a moment before he gave in. Although he was upset with him, he was still meaningful to him.

Phil helped Tubbo up on his feet, "Wanna head to my place?" He asked, carefully moving around his words, as though Tubbo could explode. As though he's a predator, like a monster.

"To be honest, I don't want to go back to L'Manberg." Tubbo admitted as he brushed the dirt off his pants, "At least, not.. them."

He hoped Phil got what he meant and, by the looks at the flicker in the taller's eyes, he most likely did.

"It's fine," Phil replied, "I sent most of them off to find you, none of them are there to confront you."

"You.." Tubbo yawned out of nowhere, he felt stressed for some reason - most likely due to not taking his meds, "You already knew I was here?"

Philza laughed, "Of course, you are my son."

Though he sounded genuine, Tubbo doubted his words. He didn't mean them in the sense that it's in his instinct to find him, many parents who happen to be hybrids develop that skill as a means for protection for their children. Phil had this instinct for only Wilbur at first, but soon he had developed this skill for Techno and Tommy. But for Tubbo, he never had the time to familiarize himself with the boy. Most of the time, he was out and was nowhere to be seen. It was the reason he was close to Wilbur, Techno, and Tommy - it was because they were his only family. In a sense, he found him because he was his child, but the truth was that Phil knew how he and Tommy were, that they were best friends as well as brothers and that the only place he can secure safety was Tommy's old house. It was a guess, if anything, a very clever guess.

As the two of them strolled to L'Manberg, Phil had offered to carry the boy to his house. Due to his injury, he appeared to be easily weakened and tired. It was no wonder why he was acting so dozy, he wasn't with Niki and Ranboo. Philza hugged the boy tightly, as Tubbo rested his head on the older man's chest. He felt coldness on his back and his feet were caught in the wind. He allowed Phil to fly him around before, but he didn't like doing it too often. Chills ran down on his arms, as he longed for a warm bed to sleep in. Dirt grounds were only so good for so long and Tubbo surely didn't want to spend another hour back at that place. His brother's home wasn't made for him in mind. All Tubbo ever wanted was a place for himself, all for him and no one else.

Thankfully, Philza allowed him his own guest room within his house. So that meant something, at least. Not that he could appreciate it, as he fell asleep in the elder's arms when Phil's robe brought enough warmth to substitute a blanket. When he woke up, he was greeted by his iconic, green button-up and jeans lying neatly on the edge of the bed, along with a tray of tea and cookies on the nightstand. Tubbo changed out of his dirty suit into clean clothes (where did Philza even get them?) and dived into the sugary rush of cookies that was flushed down by Philza's signature hot, green tea. 

"Oh, you're finally awake." Philza arrived, he looked more content than before, "Oh, let me get that." Phil went to grab the dirty suit that laid aimlessly on the floor. Tubbo's old habits did seem to come back, he hasn't been home for a while then again.

"Hey, uh- Phil.." It felt odd just saying his name, "You don't have to do all this. You know."

Phil blinked at him. He was still bent over from getting rid of Tubbo's dirty laundry and, for a moment, he was at eye level to Tubbo. Did he look almost... concerned? Why should he even care?

"I want to do this, Tubbo." Phil clarified, "I am not doing this because it's against my will or anything."

Phil left the room promptly after, it left a dreary feeling behind. As though he stole any hope from within Tubbo's heart and turned it into stone. Had Phil always left behind an empty feeling? Maybe it was just today. Suddenly, memories of Fundy and Phil flooded his mind. How he was so willing to show affection towards a man who isn't even his son. Was he jealous of Fundy? He ignored that claim. He had better things to worry about. He jumped out of bed. Tubbo stretched out his limbs, as he ventured downstairs. 

His father was there, cooking in the kitchen, maybe for Techno or something. Now, Tubbo thinks about it harder and realized that Techno hasn't been around. He assumed he went rogue, well - rogue as in homeless. This is odd, considering Techno's competitive nature and love of winning. Tubbo shrugged it off as he actually doesn't care. As long as Techno isn't there to hurt anyone, he can go his own way. There's a pain in his chest when he thinks that but, with most things today, he ignores it. He advances towards the counter instead, he sees child-like drawings plastered across the wall - it warmed his heart when he saw his bee drawing there. He heard a sizzling noise, which pierced his ears. He nearly ran over to make sure Philza was alright. Phil brushed him off slightly, he just consoled Tubbo that everything was fine.

He leaned into Phil's space, "Whatcha making bacon?" Phil laughed at the joke, though he grimaced a moment before. (Mentioning bacon around a father of a pigman isn't the smartest thing to do, but Tubbo meant nothing by it though.)

"Well, I am not cooking bacon. But I am preparing steak." Phil explained, he flipped the steak, "I will be out traveling soon."

The kid jumped up and down, excitedly, "Oh? Traveling? Can I come? Please, please, please?" 

Tubbo felt a bit foolish for being so giddy over a potential adventure. It was just like when he was young and Phil took long trips away from home. The only difference is that he is older and more capable now. Hell, he was able to battle in wars before he turned 15! He was qualified to manage whatever that will be thrown in his way.

Phil chuckled, as he shook his head, "No. You will not be accompanying me, mister."

Tubbo froze and pouted, "What? Why not? I'll be safe, promise!"

Phil looked at the boy as though he was from another planet, he basically judged him with his eyes. Parents are able to do that sorta thing, Tubbo realized, it's like a sixth sense. He used to call it the "calling bullshit" eyes, though Phil never liked the name for some reason (He's old like that). 

"Like I said, you can't and you won't." Phil was done with the steak and put the meat into his possessions, "You can't join me because you are hurt and I have to get your meds. And you won't because it's a boring adventure, you'd only complain about it."

"Aww, no far. Why do you get to have all this fun?" Tubbo grumbled to himself, as he crossed his arms.

His father was a known kill-joy and that was someone you cannot trust.

Phil shook his head, but this time, it was playfully, "Trust me, I've been on these shitty trips far too many times to count and they are not the fun you're looking for." Phil bowed his head slightly, almost like a dog who feels bad for what he had done, "I have to take my leave now, I'll pack my bags and return sometime tomorrow. Alright, kiddo?"

Tubbo faked a smile, then nodded. 

Phil grinned back, but it was short-lived. He ruffled the kid's hair, which made him laugh. As Phil retrieved his bags, Tubbo felt happy as he waved his father off on his adventure. He wished him good luck, as the older shut the door behind him. And there he was, alone in a big, grand house of Philza's. For some reason, he doesn't feel empty-headed. The anxiety that was birthed inside of him in the morning was washed away as he felt his heart flicker with light. At that moment, he felt lucky. At least, he knew this adventure isn't a goodbye anymore. And now he knew it never had to be one either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cries because I know what happens next chapter*
> 
> also, if you think Schlatt and Ghostbur are useless because they are both ghosts,,, honey you have a big storm coming :P
> 
> Twitter: celestiastarz  
> Tumblr: celestiastarz


	8. "I made a wreck out of my hand, I put it through the wall"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tubbo had it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *daddy issues by the neighborhood plays in the distance* /j
> 
> Howdy everyone! I missed this fic, it's really fun to write. I am sorry for the lack of fluff but *looks at the doc I made for the timeline of this fic* it's not really gonna happen anytime soon,,,
> 
> Enjoy :D

The worst thing about having a mindless wanderer as a dad is the waiting. Once, his father was badly injured. All that he send was a letter which informed them that he may die out there. It was scary as a child but worse as you matured because finally, a realization hits. All the times you believed your folks were Gods, unable to die, the time came and showed you the hard way that no human can survive out there trapped in loneliness. But his father had, so he never questioned it. That was hard. He loved to travel, he loved the people and the sights of it. Even he has a ticking clock in his body for when the time comes. The horror of it was the fact that when he did die, he promised to send his location: it was mostly for Techno's sake. Techno loved that man from the moon back, he would spend days recounting the journies he and his father went on - even Wilbur couldn't remember at times. Phil would often send gifts if he fell to illness, even if he knew it was for a while.

He gifted Techno another gem-like earring for his piercings on his ears. Techno was very stingy with what he would share with Tubbo about his childhood, but one thing he mentioned was the fact that he was indeed experimented on. One of the punishments was that the doctors would clip his ears. They grew back, as he was a piglin with zombie sides to him, but usually came back into shape by going around the hole. It was a sweet way to remind Techno that he is apart of the family, despite what he past done to him.

For the others, it all depended on time and place. Sometimes, Wilbur would get a pick and others would receive materials for drugs. For Tommy, it was mostly weird looking things: oddly shaped rocks, or sticks, or even flowers that often came in at a bad time. Tubbo would usually get something that related to bugs. Tubbo often receives photos of bees on flowers or worms "playing" in the mud. No matter what he got, he treasured it. He never knew if it was the last.

Tubbo spent his day bored and unable to do much. He was in lockdown due to his condition and forced into hiding. He was unable to go to Niki for help as he would need another person to deliver that message for him and he didn't want to explain why he does not want to be seen. Besides, he would only be remembered for how bad of a president he was, over and over again. Still, he felt safer in solitude than anywhere else. At least, he wasn't able to hurt anyone he loves.

He thought about Eret's castle again. It was lonely, he thought to himself, to be a king all by himself. Eret was a strange ruler, he didn't quite have a kingdom to rule exactly - it was just home for his friends. Tubbo had thought about asking Eret himself about the conditions he and Dream had made but Eret was rather quiet when discussing Dream. Everyone knew he and Dream spoken in the past but no one was in the room when it happened, no one knew what happened beyond that door. Eret would either brush him off or stay silent, Tubbo didn't blame him though (he had done the very same).

Niki and Ranboo visited him religiously, he knew he stayed in Niki's room for a while - but it was as empty as his own guest room. He assumed she had just officially moved there recently, it would make sense as to why she did since now that Wilbur was gone - though, he was unsure if she thinks Will died or ran away. She wasn't very reliable when it came to telling what she believes, she likes comforting others first and foremost. Whenever the name "Ghostbur" shows up in anyone's speech, she would simply ignore the phrase. Maybe roll her eyes at it. There was no such thing as ghosts, she would say. Maybe she was lying.

Tubbo walked around the house aimlessly. He would sometimes stop when he saw old family photos. He saw one of an older woman and Philza, he assumed that to his wife. They were holding a baby on their lap, all of them looked happy. There was something engraved into the wooden frame. When Tubbo squinted, he was able to read out: The Minecraft Family's Photo - 1996.

A certain coldness came when he stared into their eyes. The now-empty look it carried. If he didn't know what happened to this family, maybe he would be able to ignore it, be happy and joyful for the future. But he knew what happened, he's apart of whatever made the family so sad. His own family left him in a box, his new father was neglectful, his brothers all had left, and it left him all alone. Tubbo looked down, thoughts of Tommy surrounded him. Can Tommy still visit? Would he want to even visit?

"Hello!" A voice echoed through the halls.

Tubbo had screamed.

Ghostbur entered the house without warning, as per usual. With his dopey smile printed upon his grey face, signature yellow sweater, and brown beanie, he gave Tubbo a strange feeling of comfort. Somehow.

"I saw you through a window and you looked so darn mopey, so I wanted to give you some blue!" He dropped a few crystals on the floor for Tubbo to grab, he wasn't able to touch people easily. He had to try really hard for it, even then it wasn't like anyone wanted to feel the coldness of a deceased leader.

"Thanks Ghostbur," Tubbo wanted to ignore him badly, but he couldn't, "hey, Wil- I mean, Ghostbur?"

"Hmm?" The ghost hummed in response.

No matter what he gets in reply, he knew he would regret asking. Still, it was important.

"Did you.. see a goat-like man spirit around here?" Tubbo asked, which caused Wilbur-Ghostbur to tilt his head slightly. It was hard to remember that Will and Ghostbur weren't the same people. There had to be something that connected them, other than memories?

Ghostbur's eyes lit up suddenly, "Oh, you mean Glatt!"

Tubbo just stared at him, confused by the name.

"Yep, Alivebur had met him before!" Ghostbur seemed overly happy about it, "I remember all kinds of things but sadly, I know nothing of him when he was alive."

Tubbo shook his head, "Then why did you tell him Will brought him into the election as an opponent?"

"What?" Ghostbur tilted his head slightly, naive.

"You told him he was an opponent," Tubbo's face painted a serious glare in his eyes, his face shook to empathize each word, "correct?"

"Well... y-yes," Ghostbur broke eye contact, "because he was."

"Ghostbur, he was on your side," Tubbo moved his arm slightly, "at first."

Ghostbur just floated, aloof, as though he was only a statue. His eyes widened, was he scared? If so, of what? He spoke, his voice was even softer as though that was even possible.

He played with his hands, "I don't like talking about this, can we please..." Ghostbur's voice cracked, "please.. talk about something happier, perhaps?"

Tubbo sighed, he was upset but he knew better than to pull a Tommy. Besides, he got all that he needed to know. Schlatt and Wilbur- or Glatt and Ghostbur were not the same anymore. It was irresponsible to turn to the dead when you ask questions of them when they were alive. Fuck, he doesn't even like using Wilbur and instead says Alivebur. Even if he is lying, he'll play into his game. Doing so will make his brother stay, he didn't want another Techno situation.

Tubbo's voice felt sour as he gave in, "Sure, what would you like to talk about?"

The two spoke about things Tubbo could care less about, apparently, Ghostbur made a new friend who is literally named "Friend" and that they have infinite canon lives (What does "canon" even mean? Plus why do they need multiple, everyone knows about the respawns). At least, it was something to keep his mind off being president. All he needed was another reminder that he's ruining everything all for nothing at all.

Whenever the conversation ran dry, Ghostbur would give Tubbo a random item he was carrying - he was obsessed with giving people things, huh? Most of the time, Tubbo would just hand them back because he didn't really want to deal with the obscure man. One of the items was a photo of Tommy and Tubbo, Tommy with the sword Techno gave him when he was younger, and Tubbo who waved his own crafted sword, the one he worked for. Wilbur had a love for taking photos, he admitted he was fond of it when he first adventured onto the Dream SMP.

"Hey, Will-"

"I'm not Wilbur, silly." Ghostbur's voice somehow mocked the younger.

"Right." Tubbo cleared his throat, "Ghostbur, why do you have this?"

Ghostbur hummed, not replying at all. Before Tubbo could further question him, his eyes saw nothing. He left. (Like everyone else.) Tubbo sat down, upset. Thoughts raced through his mind as he placed the photograph on his lap. He frowned down at it, their smiles mocked him. The past was still haunting him, it seemed to do the same with Ghostbur (how ironic). He thought to himself, had he always felt so left out when he young? Tubbo wanted to believe it was a no, but Tubbo chose to ignore the pounding in his chest. A hurricane of emotions swept him up and took him on a ride, one that he may never escape.

A knock on the door thankfully interrupted his thoughts.

"Coming!" He went and hid the photograph into a chest. He closed the chest and ran to the door, unlocked it, and saw Philza. He stood proud, as he held big, heavy bags.

"Hey kid, help me put these somewhere safe." Philza smiled down at the boy, "Alright?"

Tubbo felt more insecure than usual, he rubbed his arm, "Yep, yeah. Sure."

Tubbo went and grabbed whatever he could carry and hurried to Phil's storage room. The older went to a different part of the room for a second, but Tubbo didn't mind. The less he could see the man, the less he had to realize that familial connection between them. When he returned to pick up more bags, he saw his father return. This time, Phil followed behind him and he knew it was all because he left the room first but he couldn't help but feel watched by the man. He tried to shake off the feeling as best as he could but whenever he tried, he had to focus on the bags in hand. They hurt like hell, he felt like his body was aching.

He dropped the bags on the floor, despite all of his strength the weight of the bag caused his body to become tired. He fell to his knees dramatically, he stared down at the floor for a moment before Philza spoke again.

"Hey, I got you a little something from the trip!" Phil reached into one of the bags and handed Tubbo a small jewel. An emerald earring. Tubbo felt lightheaded when he looked at it, was his ears even pierced for them? He hadn't worn them in years, but electricity sparked when he held on to them. They held a special meaning, Phil had said: "friendship emeralds", he had called it. Was this him offering his love to him?

Warmth emerged from his shoulders, as though it was always there.

"Oh, uh thank you," The boy pocketed the jewel, "Phil." Tubbo looked up at the taller man, attempted to cease all worry and smile. It had failed. Phil's face fell instantly, he read his sons like a book.

"Hey, uh- Tubs?" Phil got to Tubbo's level, he used that nickname, "There's something wrong, isn't there?"

Tubbo tried to maintain eye contact but felt himself look away, he nodded. He clenched his fist around the jewel, his hand was protection for it.

Phil looked down and sighed, "Well, I don't doubt that you felt trapped here," His voice trailed, "Hey, you know you've always been special to me."

Tubbo blinked. Special? What was he getting at?

"You-you mind..." The elder paused, before his eyes met Tubbo's, "staying with me? Even for just a bit?"

Tubbo's eyes widened in realization. So that was what this all was, a trick to get him to stay. Phil would give him a honest sense of home and contentment, only to take it all away in an instant. You could never trust anyone in this family. A rush of terror flooded the boy's mind. Tubbo couldn't help but laugh at him.

"This was a ruse, right?" Tubbo smirked, "You are pulling my leg?"

Phil tilted his head slightly, as he hummed back in reply. Was his playing the ignorant card? There was no way his father believed he would be that dumb, right?

"What do you mean, kid?"

For some reason, that phrase made something click inside of his head. Kid, like a child. Child, like an idiot. Idiot, like a worthless human. He was nothing but worthless idiot kid who thought everyone would listen if he screamed loud enough but he's weak! His own father was insulting him, there was no way around it. He and his father switched places in Tubbo's mind, a kid and a leader.

Tubbo stood up, feeling distant towards the man, "I've been tricked before. You know that right? By Wilbur, by Technoblade."

He walked away from the storage room, dramatically. Philza watched him like a hawk. There was no telling what he would do, what a monster like him would do.

"Men who I grew to trust and even respect." Tubbo couldn't stop smiling for some reason, "But guess what they all did? They threw it all away."

Tubbo screamed, Phil backed away as though he was nothing but a wild animal. If Tubbo looked in a mirror, he kind of looked like one. His face was twisted, his mouth distorted. It was no wonder why Phil was afraid, he would've been too.

"Heh, I-I guess you can't trust anyone in this damn family to want to give you an ounce of their time." Now, if Tubbo wasn't crying before he definitely was now. His eyes were filled with tears that he held inside for so long.

Tubbo couldn't stop it but all he wanted was Wilbur, in every form he could get. He wanted his brother more than anything in the world, he wanted to hug him and beg for another story. He wanted to hear him, without the stupid echo everywhere that scares him every time. He wants to hear him play on his guitar while he and Tommy sing along to the tune. All he wanted was that man who taught him that he shouldn't fear the dark.

But instead, he got a corrupted man, so eager for power that he risked the lives of those around him and screwed them millions of times over.

He wanted his eldest brother too, Techno loved him dearly. That was until the festival where he forgave the man easily, almost too easily. That was when it hit him. The emerald earring, the journey being not too long, and the fact he wants the boy on house arrest basically.

"Where did you even go?" His voice quivered at the end, as though he didn't even want to believe it.

Phil didn't answer.

"Where did you go?" He yelled. Tubbo's voice held more power than before.

"I can't say, I'm sorry." Phil looked uncomfortable by the tension. That man was too confident for his own good and he wouldn't allow his son yelling at him.

Guess he wasn't his son.

"You went to his house? Didn't you?" The bravery in Tubbo began to fade. He knew Philza better than himself, he knew something was wrong.

Phil placed his hand on his face, he extended an opened hand forward to the boy, "Tubbo, you know it is not safe out there. You nearly died to a raid, for god's sake! I can't have you fight again."

"So you tricked me?"

"How on Earth had I done that? I just wanted to keep you safe!" He replied, defensive.

"You just want me to stay because you want Techno back." Tubbo bit on his words slightly.

"I want you to stay because I want to protect you," Phil was stern, spoken with clenched teeth, "because you are my son."

"Your son.." Tubbo felt like he was thousands of miles away.

The word was familiar at times, but in this case, it was not welcomed. Usually, it was said with love by the older man. Sometimes, like now, it was said with anger or sadness attached to it. The word meant different things to different people. Perhaps it came down to the mood. Right now, the word burnt him. The word haunted him as a ghost would to an unsuspecting person. A word meant for pure familial connections has made the boy's throat go dry. Did Phil always use that word in such a tone? That was when he realized a sad reality, Tubbo always saw Phil as his dad but Phil never saw him as his son.

"You think I'm weak."

"No!" Phil denied it, "I don't!"

Tubbo had none of it, he grabbed a sword that hung from a wall, "Fucking say it!"

That was when Tubbo attacked. Phil had no weapons and used his strength solely on his wings, it was harder when it was the living you and your son were meant to spend quality time in but now wasn't the time to think about that anymore.

"Tell me I'm fucking weak." Tubbo shrieked, "That's all I ever hear from your words."

"Tubbo! Tubbo, stop." Phil blocked the blade with his arm, it'll result in a minor scratch though.

"I need help, I need to be protected." Tubbo quoted Phil's last few words and he swung wildly, "Was that saw you didn't want me to fight against Quackity and Fundy? You thought I would embarrass you?"

"Tubbo, Tubbo-" Philza tried to now grab the blade, he knew Tubbo's fighting skills. They weren't the best currently, as he trusted on emotions rather than logic and strength. If Phil criticized him, life would be much harder for them all involved. Sadly, the sword shifted out of his grasp.

"Call me weak, call me weak, call me-"

"You're acting like a child," Phil's wings extended outwards, "like-like Schlatt!"

There was a heavy silence, Tubbo was breathing heavily. All the taunts and shouts and hits finally added up in his head.

"How would you even know, you never met him." Tubbo's voice was quiet as he regained energy.

"I met him before because he was your-" Phil held his tongue, his eyes showcased his shock by the slip-up.

"My what?" Tubbo squinted his eyes at the man, confused.

"Your-your-" His brain was searching for words, Phil was panicking, he never did that before, "President." He decided on that.

Those words hit him harder than any attack before him. President, a word that painted both a group of friends who came together and grey skies mixed with pitch black. Schlatt was elected fairly, was he not? He came to the stage just as everyone else, still a pain raised in the stomach of the younger. He had to carry that legacy around him, he had to be perfect for the role. He wasn't even perfect for Schlatt.

"You are repeating his own actions. I am here to help and you are throwing a tantrum over it."

His brain buzzed like static. He truly was insulting him. As Tubbo stared into the eyes of his father, the man appeared more menacing than Schlatt. Like sudden darkness washed over him, as he was consumed by the shadows.

"I expected better from you," Phil sounded monotoned, dull, "I expected better from my son."

As Phil reached out an open hand, moving it towards to boy, For a split second, Tubbo almost fooled himself into thinking that he wanted to make amends with him. Instead, the man gestured to the weapon in Tubbo's hands.

_(How naive of him, to believe his father looked at him so highly was ridiculous.)_

He returned the sword, begrudgingly, into Phil's grasps before the older man left the room in favor of the storage room he had just left. Tubbo's mind was entirely empty, he went into the guest room he woke up in. On the bed, laid his suit - clean and ironed for him. For some reason, he felt like he was falling but he didn't know why.

Tubbo left Phil's place in secret, it wasn't like he was welcomed anymore. As he walked outside, he truly felt all of his emotions explode inside of him. He wanted to cry, and scream, and laugh, and do everything he can possibly do in this world. But he couldn't because he was inside New L'Manberg. He couldn't because he was no longer the happy boy in the photograph, locked inside a chest. He was President. That was all people saw in him.

"Mr. President?" A voice cried out, Tubbo turned to look at him, Quackity. He must've looked awful because the other figure besides him fliched for a moment.

"Hey man, you okay? We searched everywhere for you," Fundy hurried to the President's side, "don't tell me you got hurt or something."

Tubbo shook his head, unable to even speak. Luckily, both men got the message.

They informed him of the updates around the New L'Manberg, he was only gone for a short while and they were well guarded so things went smoothly. However, Quackity told Tubbo about "bigger plans", he seemed set on showing Tubbo as soon as he can. Without asking, Quackity guided Tubbo to his den. The building itself was quite hidden among the many ravines, it was hidden behind carefully place rocks. The men entered, single file, as Quackity explained where they were going. When Tubbo's eyes adjusted to the light on the other side, it had dawned on him what this was.

It was a secret base, filled to the brim with photos of them. They weren't happy ones like the one Ghostbur gave to him earlier, rather they were violent depictions of the wars they have been through, written and drawn out on the walls. It felt like Wilbur's button all over again. All the photos, images, and writings lead to one another. They were all connected to one issue: a traitor who lives among them. Like a straight line, it all came back to Tubbo's family, his brother: Technoblade.

"I fucking hate traitors," Quackity empathized every word, "those who hate our country, I fucking hate them, Tubbo."

"You've prepared a lot," Tubbo huffed, he was almost starstruck by it all, "it's all absolutely insane here."

He now understood why Quackity used to be Schlatt's vice, the man knew what to do and had his morals in check. Tubbo wished he was as strong as Quackity was unreal. The men gathered around the table, Fundy had shown them the hitlist: barely any people were left on it. They discussed as best as they could without being distracted by the photos. It felt weird as Tubbo stared into his big brother's eyes - He had to look at them with anger, not admiration. It was hard, it was difficult for him to see Wilbur as a crazed man and not his brother - how will live with seeing his idol become his enemy. Sadly, love was not founded on battlefields. Techno nearly killed Tubbo, his own brother. Did this family not value anything but fighting?

"Here's what I think, we go for Technoblade first; Dream second?" Quackity looked so stoic, "What do we think?"

Of course, they all agreed on that. Dream may be powerful, but Technoblade was fearless. He cared so little about others that it was alarming that he even had the chance to escape. Dream would do anything for power, even if it meant purging life of things that held sentimental value. Without power, his life was meaningless to him. So overtaking him was harder than it seems. With Techno, they had to lead him into a place where he would have too much confidence. Then lure him into their trap. The men went over their plans a few times before allowing it to go into motion.

Just like that, the Butcher Army was created.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder: Tubbo is going to seem somewhat of a bad/selfish person in this fic and that's the whole point! A lot of things lead to him being selfish, including the downfall of Wilbur and the death of Schlatt (and daddy issues but we get into that later lol). He is trying to do good for the people but he doesn't know what he is doing, plus not to mention throughout this fic he just trying to be a kid again. I really hope you guys don't think he's evil or anything lol but he most definitely is flawed in this story lol
> 
> Also: Tubbo is not having the Vilbur treatment, he is just a child who is just being a little dramatic lol
> 
> Hope you all are staying safe out there. I know times are rough but I can only hope my stories bring joy to those who need it. If you guys need a place to vent, my dms on my socials are always open :)
> 
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	9. "I don't want to live that way, I do not want to live in pain, Another fool in history"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tubbo isn't crazy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder: I have no idea what really went down in the Technoblade kidnapping stream, so this might be wrong but uh- this all an interpretation so I guess it's all good lol 
> 
> Also, thank you all for 5k hits?? The support is wild and I am happy you all enjoy it as much as I enjoy writing it! I love you all so so much!! :DD

Tubbo was angry and resentful towards his father and what he had said to him. He wasn't surprised by this result, he's always felt a certain sadness when it came to his family. This reminded Tubbo of all the times he's been left out of things, only to find himself coming back once again. He was over it. He was done with feeling like second best. Doing this butcher army shit may seem violent and brutal, but then again what did he have himself to lose? His family never loved him, his family considered him to be the weakest link. There was no fondness in war and there never will be.

The boy found himself wondering, both physically and mentally. The world was bigger than he once had thought. He used to venture overseas and land and it got him back to here. Growing up, when Techno and Wilbur had left, Tommy and Tubbo agreed on adventuring the world. He and his best friend packed bags and were set on hopping on an open train and seeing where it'll take them. The boys crafted boats and carts. They befriended animals they took along the way. Everything they did was doing what their brothers had done, then it leads them back to the SMP. No one knew how everything came to be, Dream was quite stern on who joins and who doesn't. But something clicked when he saw those kids and their eyes. The hope glimmering off them. Dream was nicer back then, but power can change even the kindest of people.

Tubbo still carried that compass everywhere, he knew he will add it to every shirt pocket that he'll ever own. It was too meaningful to him. Ghostbur made him it as a gift since he truly understood what it felt like to lose someone. Wilbur lost many people himself, Sally was the first to come to mind. He talked so highly of her, he told Tubbo once that he thought about her whenever he was by the docks with Fundy and Phil.

He was finally in the graveyard. Without even knowing it, his body leads him to the source of his troubles. He visited the grave once before, but it ended with fear. A change in medication too. He didn't want that, he even complained as much as he could but he couldn't convince Niki to not change them. She probably thought he was just being irrational but he wasn't. He knew if she changed it and he saw Schlatt again, he had to accept that the interactions were real and not fabrications of his mind. Thankfully, he hadn't seen the man since.

As he stood at the grave, the world had fallen quiet. But his mind wasn't at all. All he wanted to was to kick and scream and shout. He wanted anything sign of the man to disappear at his will, so no one would even be able to speak his name and use it against him. All he wanted was to be with his friend, why did Tommy deny his request. Why did Wilbur do this to him? Why offer him to be a president only to take it all away? Was it a prank? Was it because he knew he was useless to the world? Not to mention, why did he suggest that Schlatt came back but as Glatt. If Ghostbur wasn't believable to Niki, imagine how hard she'd laugh at Glatt. The boy wished he could touch ghosts so he can slap his older brother across the face. Wilbur was the source of his dilemma and he will be the end of it too. Maybe he was lying. Schlatt was gone for good.

"Hey, kid." A rough voice emerged from his thoughts.

Tubbo's heart nearly dropped at the sound of it. As he looked up, he saw that face again. But instead of a dumb smile, he looked very gloomy. It serves him right, a mean side of Tubbo taunted. Tubbo ignored it. The word kid again resurfaced some things, but he pushed through it. This was all fake, right? Who cares if Tubbo wasn't on meds anymore, this wasn't real. Still, he continued to entertain that thought.

"Why do you always call me that, I'm not your kid," Tubbo declared.

Schlatt's eyes shrunk, then he shrugged.

"Just a nickname, I suppose. I'll stop using it if you like." The goat looked away, he seemed uncomfortable but Tubbo doesn't care to ask why.

Tubbo glared at him, this man seemed like someone who could exist in the real world. But he didn't want to make himself the boy who yelled wolf. He's made himself a target for too long.

"So do you not remember anything?" Tubbo asked, "Like at all?"

Schlatt opened and then closed his mouth, as though he tried to choose his words carefully.

"Uh, yeah.. no I don't," He looked like he just trembled, "aside from, you know, what Ghostbur had told me."

Tubbo's eyes widened, "So... wait- you're real, right? Can you- no, no I don't even think he'd remember..."

"If you want proof that I am real, you could just ask me a question," the ghost smiled, "no promises that I can answer though."

Tubbo looked at him. Anything, right? He had to just ask things he didn't quite think about. At first, it seemed promising. But if he needed proof that the man was truly real, he had to ask things he himself knew that the other man didn't. Outrageous answers were included in this.

"Well, uhm- so, how did you die?"

"Painfully, or at least that's what the afterlife felt like. I probably went to Hell, or whatever you consider the bad place around here. That's where I met Ghostbur actually!" Schlatt answered earnestly, which wasn't quite what Tubbo expected.

Tubbo's raised an octave, "You went to Hell?"

Sure, respawns existed but there was actually a Hell? That implies there is a good and bad place. Which means there is a Heaven. He didn't enjoy that thought. The dead were able to return, devils were given a chance at life. It was dangerous, but he had to abide by the rules of the Dream SMP.

"Yep!" He nodded enthusiastically, "Ghostbur can even attest!"

Ghostbur too? Was that why he was being so kind nowadays? Tubbo's heart ached in pain. Sure, Tubbo hated Schlatt's guts but he couldn't imagine the misery he suffered down there. Not to mention, he wasn't sure if Ghostbur transformed or if he was his corrupted self. He can't imagine going to a bad place with your now crazed best friend. Life would be more than just Hell.

"If you went Hell, which means you are dead," Tubbo tapped on his chin, "how the hell did you become a ghost?"

Weren't Ghosts made after death? They didn't go to a Heaven or a Hell, just wherever they died. How the fuck do ghost's physics work?

The ghost only laughed, "I'll be honest, I was never a believer in this sort of thing. I'd prefer staying dead."

Which was reasonable for anyone, especially someone who suffered in the depths of hell, but it was out of character for Glatt to say it. It was still odd that he had to divide Schlatt and Glatt into different people, it took an abnormal reply from his ghost self to realize it. Schlatt wanted power, much like Dream, but unlike Dream he was closer to taking it all over which is why they worked together in the end. Glatt is just a silly ghost how comments on how he hates how he can't drink and smoke as he is an apparition. Still, it made Tubbo shake at the idea that there's a darker side to this world that happens after death.

Instead of asking more morbid questions that made Tubbo think whether or not the afterlife was a blessing or curse, he decided to quiz Glatt on silly trivial things. If Tubbo was slightly younger, he'd consider this to be a friendly interaction. Before Schlatt was banned and taken away from the server. Before he dictated every move he people would make. Before he decorated and hosted the festival. Before he nearly died at the hands of his brother. Before everything went from Tommy and Tubbo versus the world to... whatever this is. However, even if Glatt can make him smile by answering questions in the most ridiculous way possible, it would be worth the walk.

The two ended up nearby L'Mantree and both Glatt and Tubbo sat down underneath it. Glatt calmed Tubbo's nerves by making jokes and Tubbo showed him how to even make a flower crown. Niki used to make them with him, he hoped that Ranboo was taught how to by her too. The warmth of it all filled him up, but it's overshadowed by the crisp breeze that wakes him from his dreams. They fell into a comfortable silence though. Neither had anything else to say. Tubbo pulled out some grass for the crown and Glatt laid in the grass as he picked out a flower from the dirt.

“You know, I saw you in Hell a lot.” Glatt examined the flower closely, it was a purple pansy.

Tubbo blinked at that comment, “What? Why was I there?”

He knew for a fact he didn't go to Hell, but he wondered even if he did - why did Glatt have to bring it up?

“Hell sorta hooks you up with all the bad deeds you did in your life, plus the ones you most regret. I saw you a lot of the time when it flashed my memories.” He smiled up at the boy, tearfully, “Just thought it meant something to ya." He dropped the floor near Tubbo's feet.

Tubbo's heart pounds at that thought. All that came to mind was the festival. Did Schlatt regret that? It didn't seem possible, he set the child up for failure. Didn't he say that he doesn't remember a thing, was that just another lie?

The man jumped to his feet, stretched out even though he had no bones in his body, then he waved off the boy, "Anyways, I have to go. See ya Tubbox!” He cringed at the nickname, before disappearing altogether.

Like many adult figures in his life, his exit filled him with despair.

The purple pansy laid still at his feet. They normally bloomed in the spring, but weather in the SMP was always odd so perhaps they happened to learn how to bloom early. He didn't quite care, but they did look pretty. He smiled weakly at it. Something so delicate and sweet came from the same Earth that caused so much pain and betrayal. The Dream SMP was both a beautiful flower and a wild storm. One was controlled by the world it lived in and the other was destructive to its circumstance. Still, he held onto hope that life would be as normal as picking flowers in the spring. As he lifted the pansy in hand, he weaved it into the crown he made. He hoped that it'd distract him from his conflicted feelings from before.

As hours passed him by, he knew that he has to resolve what he knew had to be done. He brought this war upon himself when he brought Technoblade's father (he mentally disowned himself at this point) into L'Manberg. It wasn't like he expected him to live there, rather it was because he just happened to have been there as Wilbur pressed the button that determined doomsday. Tubbo hoped he'd stay so he would be able to see him but currently that was off the market after he attacked him so carelessly with a sword. As though he was undeserving of his own skill. He saw what brought Tubbo down, his own emotions. It wasn't like war was logical all the time, but the fighting had to be nothing but brains. Tubbo was indeed the smartest one out of his three brothers that fought, but he was by far more sympathetic towards the other side. War had no place for friendship, but Tubbo maintained it for a long, long time. Even when the due date was set, he was capable of befriending old enemies, such as Dream. But now, times changed and he had to be forced to pick sides. Otherwise, nothing would change. Wilbur made that mistake when he set up the election. He wouldn't have fucked things up if he just... whatever.

Somehow, Fundy found the boy in the field near the tree. It appeared that he was searching for the boy for a long time by the way he nearly fainted with sweat dripping down his face. He tried to strike up a conversation but Tubbo already had a feeling what he was building up to. It made sense why Fundy wasn't so forward about what he wanted, it is very... personal to kill your own brother. Perhaps he relates to it, in an odd way. He and Fundy managed to create a plan. They would put Philza on house arrest, lure Technoblade back to L'Manberg, and then execute him. Simple, right? They were definitely lying to themselves about it, but it was worth a shot at least. Fundy should've been a little more concerned about Tubbo's sudden murderous tendencies against his own blood but thankfully he never questioned it. It made Tubbo realize that he was literally the only person who actually knew what down between his connection to family and himself. Maybe he needed a therapist and ask for some flavor. Whatever, what had to be done was decided and now they could part.

Tubbo sent Fundy off to tell big Q about their new plans, then he rushed to Philza's place. Anxiety began to rise as he fully understood what he was about to do. He, the President of L'Manberg, was going to tell his father that he, his son, was going to put him on house arrest. Usually, it was his father who overrules things. Power was balanced between Philza's sons when they were growing up in the same house. When they moved out and formed their own set of rules, they all learned the harsh reality that life was all about that power between humankind and life. What humans can achieve was based on how well they do in life, both physically and mentally. It was scary when Tubbo knew that he didn't need to bend to his father's will anymore because there was nothing to bend to. That man had nothing. Tubbo realized that he indeed had what he always wanted, proof that he was beyond what his father created before. He wasn't some scrawny kid who buried his face him a fistful of blankets when he cried out for his biological father or that kid who held onto that bee plushie more than he ever held onto Phil. He was the leader of the great nation he was constricted to. He was no longer weak.

**_(He was no longer weak he was no longer weak he was no longer weak)_ **

He knocked on the wooden door in front of him.

_Wait, why is there a door? Wasn't he still walking to Phil's?_

"Yes, Tubbo?" Someone answered him.

_Where did that voice come from?_

"Hello Philza Minecraft, you are-" The sound was gone, but his mouth kept moving. Was he still talking, what was he saying?

"What are you-" Philza's voice ( _his voice?_ ) cut out too, but the movements of his mouth suggested he wasn't finished.

Either way, they were unhappy. Both of them were angry at one another, whether it is for not understanding one another or something else. Tubbo suddenly felt his own body disappear. He and his father were no longer humans in the world, they were purely shapes. ( _Everything was just shapes_ ) Both forms argued and argued until...

"Philza Minecraft, you are on house arrest and that will be final." The door slammed shut on him. Tubbo didn't see the other figure anymore, he was gone from his mind.

Tubbo's body carried him back to the Butcher Army HQ, he had an inkling that they were waiting for him. His footsteps were louder and more explosive. He basically stomped all the back to the cave. That stupid earring still jiggled in his pockets as he felt a headache kick in. He groaned in agony, as he stopped momentarily to clutch himself. He placed his hands on his head.

_He froze in fear as he discovered that there were two small bumps hidden underneath his rumpled hair._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god it's happening!!! 
> 
> Yes, I made a Night In The Woods reference, Grammarly got pissed off at me for adding it cus it's not "grammatically correct". 
> 
> Also, Tubbo blacking out and not really having a coherent convo with his father is a very important detail... ;)
> 
> Twitter: celestiastarz  
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	10. "And I throw my heart back to the ocean, But it don't go far, it come back floating"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tubbo knows what he is doing is not selfish. So why does he still feel bad?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never watched Techno's kidnapping scene and quite frankly, I do think I don't have to since this is an AU, I mean, anything with a SBI family dynamic is an au after all /lh
> 
> To be honest, this was one of the hardest chapters to write because it's also the one with the most twists and turns and a very important scene that I hope you will all enjoy! Hopefully, you all like it! :)
> 
> A warning for a lot of mentions of death!!

Even as he grows older, Tubbo had always experienced war in some ways, shape, or form. Whether it be from his brothers, or even from suffering tragedy, it always stayed with him wherever he went. Not to mention that three of his older role models were invested with war-like behaviors: Philza and Techno had their fair share of fights and Wilbur was obvious already. But events like war was getting quite old. People were not interested in fighting a war that was not meant for them, because in some ways L'Manberg wasn't meant to exist. Wasn't the SMP suppose to be a home to all? But still, he had an urge to do his part because, despite it all, it was still his home. One of his only homes. And he would finish it. All he wanted to end wars peacefully but somehow he is always the one who is being too violent or irrational. He was tired of it. War, in plainest terms, is born out of selfishness. That was something Tubbo knew he wasn't. Him finding Technoblade, killing within his own blood (they aren't really related through blood but still), and setting him up for failure. Yeah, yeah that wasn't selfish at all. In the end, it was all for the greater good. That's what he said mere days before Tommy's exile. Fundy and Quackity would agree, this was a far better clause.

It wasn't like Techno didn't do the same. Sure, he didn't want to hurt him but he still pulled the trigger. He watched Tubbo's eyes fall as he realized he was about to die besides two people who, well for one of them it lasted only a moment, didn't care about him at all. Techno, who laughed in the face of death, was afraid of dying to the residents of L'Manberg. The same people he looked down upon while in L'Manberg, were the same people who brought fear to him. Still, in some ways, he sympathized with the guy. Peer pressure was the main reason he even joined in the war, he was fine with living beside others as usual. But Tommy was selfish. He brought him into the equation. Stole his items, took away things that he gave meaning to, and destroyed it all. Of course, he forgave him but it didn't make many things better. Now that he thought about it, Tommy hardly did that with Wilbur. For some reason, he had so much more respect for the guy. It wasn't even because he was older or anything, Tubbo was literally the oldest between them, but it was because he hardly saw Tubbo as family. He never saw him as a brother, now did he? It was hard to realize this too. Did family truly have no meaning beyond people who you grew up with when you were young or something? Was family all just paperwork? (He would bring blood relation into this but they were all adopted so it's hard to consider that.)

Tubbo could try and wrap his head around reasons why his family was never truly him as theirs but it'd be easier to just run in circles. He had to stop trying before it got too out of control; he didn't want a repeat of what happened between himself and his father. Speaking of his father, he was still obeying house arrest which is... unique. His own father, who had little to no respect for governments, hadn't tried to disregard an otherwise unjust law. It was kind of pathetic if Tubbo thought more aggressively. Man, Tubbo has been acting meaner. If Tommy was around, maybe he would yell at him and tell him to quit being an ass. But Tommy wasn't around, not anytime soon if he followed what Dream said. But even if he started to act meaner or ruder or, hell, even crueler than Schlatt and Wilbur combined, he still missed simpler days with his family. When all they worried about was whether or not father would bake them fresh cherry pie, or whether they'll get back their discs or not. Now, life was more complex and, even though he preferred the rules he bounded himself to for the sake of his country, he wished he wasn't in charge anymore.

Not to mention the hell he's been enduring since he discovered the dreaded horns that were growing in. He wanted them to be gone, break them into pieces so that they'll grow again. But the pain was pain and breaking shit was also painful, he learned that from Tommy. He could always ask Schlatt about it, he was indeed part goat. But alas, that would mean Schlatt and himself were related by something and that something being their horns. Yes, they weren't family exactly and he truly knew they couldn't be since he doesn't even remember the man before he joined the server promptly before he was banned. But even though it wasn't through blood, it was still something that he didn't like and he didn't need any more reminders that he "just another Schlatt" any longer.

At some point, he finds himself talking to Dream about family, instead of war and pain. He asked Dream if he ever had a family and he explained he never considered it but Tubbo knew that there was a lie. His head was low, unusual for the confident man. Every time he spoke of having a family his mind drifted, was there something he wanted to admit? Had he ever had a family beyond just the Dream Team? Both George and Sapnap seem to have broken ties with the man before him, which wasn't a very good look for him since they were considered his closest allies and, hopefully, friends. He scratched his neck at the mere mention of him if only Dream didn't have that stupid mask... but alas, what is done is done. The younger concluded the man probably wouldn't say anything if there was something that troubled him. Soon, they reached the end of that story but Tubbo still needed something.

"Hey," Tubbo began, "you know Techno's location?"

"You mean, Technoblade the missing guy? Right?" Dream, under his mask, must've raised an eyebrow or something. He felt like a prick who do that.

Tubbo nodded slowly, he also wondered why Dream was able to read expressions when his face was fully covered. Not the right time, he supposed.

Dream sighed, "He doesn't, like, want to live in the SMP anymore but..." - his voice drifted off for a second before he handed the kid a map - "I couldn't leave him hanging, he was... on a break, like forever... I think."

Tubbo widened his eyes, "Like retirement?" He didn't believe the man in green.

Dream nodded hestiantly.

Technoblade, retired? What on Earth has gotten into him? The man who enjoyed violence and bloodshed, the man who just straight up left after betraying L'Manberg multiple times over, just packed up and left. Like a coward. Was everyone in his family a pack of cowards? He couldn't judge though, he was a coward for exiling Tommy after all.

He stared at the map before he unraveled it, it wasn't old by any means. The paper seemed bright, though there was wear to it due to being rolled up. It pointed to a village and mountains, did Technoblade really move out that far? He never seemed like a snow guy either. Tubbo figured since Tech was born in a relatively hot area, that he has never gotten the experience of jumping into a snow pile growing up. It would be true until he remembered Techno was still a kid when Phil adopted him. He ran away from home, no one asked why, and Phil saw him and adopted him. He probably still had some time to be a kid with Wilbur before they both had to grow up for the sake of Tommy and then later Tubbo. He wondered if Techno and Will treated him like a brother because of Tommy, or because they saw him as a brother. Tommy was the one who found him in a box after all. He was cuddled next to a bee plushie they assumed his parents gave him for comfort. It was where they got the nickname Tubs, it was because they tried to shorten his first nickname which was Tubbee but realized they just went back to his original name. It stuck for while though before the war when he wanted to be "grown-up". For some reason, he feels a burning in his chest. He ignored it.

He thanked Dream, who simply adjusted his mask and told him to "be safe" in a hushed voice before he ran off. Tubbo froze for a moment before he went on his own way too, to the place where he will end everything. His plan will go smoothly because karma was on his side. He was the one who shot in the face, after all, it would only make sense if he returned the favor.

Techno's house was a lot nicer for a self-proclaimed Blood God, then again that may have just been the voices telling himself that. It was small, cozy even - it reminded him of a lot of their family home, he wondered if Techno visited it and took inspiration. Tubbo realized that he actually had to now speak to his brother now, like actually speak to him as though they are on the same level. But it was hard to connect with someone who wanted to cut off your head, it was kinda like dating your stalker in a way. You are giving in to a person you are meant to hate, it made no sense. Nothing really made sense in the world of the Dream SMP though.

As he stepped up each step, his legs felt heavier and heavier. Almost like they wanted to warn him to turn away and never return. But Tubbo wasn't selfish. So he knocked on the door, as softly as he could. He knew how sensitive Techno was to noise, it was the main reason he soundproofed his own room. It was silly to think so passively of him. A part of him still saw him as his brother though. He'd be over it when he sees red out of him.

Techno answered the door, quicker and, seemingly, more nervous. He looked relieved to only see Tubbo standing there. Tech looked as though he hadn't slept for days, which wasn't a new change but his eyes drooped low as the color purple was painted underneath his eyes. He even wore a new outfit that differed from his usual get-up, a blue, thick cape had covered him comfortably. Tubbo didn't have much time to react to the changes before the older one croaked out a response.

"What do you want, Tubbo?"

Only a few words and Tubbo could tell something was off. His voice even sounded deeper, as though his voice carried itself out of big caves and deep ravines. But unlike before, it held an uncertainty, as if he wasn't able to control his own voice to even force it to sound monotone. It was softer, faster, more scared than before. What happened to him? Before he could ask, Tubbo's mouth began to move without a warning.

"Your father." He stated, not too sure what more to say. He wasn't an actor after all.

Techno's brows moved up (at least, he thinks it was his brows, it was hard to tell), clearly suspicious of whatever Tubbo was about to say. Phil did visit him recently, after all, he saw a green jewel hanging off his ear, it mocked him. Techno opened his mouth to speak but was unable to get words in. Luckily, Tubbo could.

"He's hurt, I-I don't know what to do," Tubbo did his best to look scared, it wasn't that hard to do, "He... he, I don't know. I'm not a doctor by any means, but it's not looking too goo-"

"Take me to him." Techno's word carried in the air for a second, a silence drifted over them.

Tubbo was left speechless, Techno barely spoke urgently ever but this was new. Even though it was spoken calmly, he knew that Techno communicated his fear through words sometimes. It was easier to sound reserved when you are panicking at the safety of the people you care about, Tubbo knew that, and sometimes he thinks he picked it up from him.

"Wh-" Tubbo managed, Techno interrupted him by a gentle hand on his shoulder. It could be because of the cold weather, but it burnt.

"Please," Techno pleaded, then he didn't speak again.

Tubbo leads him to a riverside and unhooked the boat from the dock. They both entered the boat, as Tubbo rowed them to L'Manberg. Neither spoke to one another, even if they did, Tubbo couldn't imagine getting any more than a few words in before it turned ugly. He couldn't have that, even if Techno was far enough to risk drowning - he would do it. He didn't like pressure, he supposed he wasn't a peer to him so he didn't consider it to be due to their closeness. Tubbo did everything he could to ignore that his big brother, his idol, was in the boat with him, unaware of what looms above him. He doesn't understand what is happening or even why, it sort of excites Tubbo. God, is he crazy? He isn't, right? He can't be, he isn't Wilbur. He doesn't see L'Manberg as his, it's... it's... what is L'Manberg? Sure, it's his home. But that's not enough, does he actually live there because he wants to? He barely had a home within L'Manberg even during the war. It was always wherever the bed was, he considered it home. But is that home? Is home not a house in the woods? Is home not brothers playing in the backyard? Is home not a place where he is able to store his love within his room? Was L'Manberg a home or a house? He is questioning his country's ideals while his enemy sits in his boat. Maybe he is truly crazy.

He saw L'Manberg rise over the horizon, as the light drew him closer and closer. Techno looked... content. It was sad that it was the last time Tubbo would see him like that up close. The boat drifted closer to the dock, the one he'd see Fundy stand nearby the edge, as his eye darted around the water as though he was searching for someone. He tied up the boat to a rope, Techno exited the boat quickly to find his father. He somehow knew where his father's house was. But there weren't going to see Phil, no this man was going to his doom. Tubbo guided him to the middle of L'Manberg, it was somewhat like a stage with chairs lined up in neat rows. Fundy and Quackity were already there, in white aprons and axes, their eyes were screaming for bloodshed. Techno took one look at Tubbo before he laughed darkly, he knew what was going on.

"Tub- oh my god, Tubbo are you serious?" He rolled his eyes playfully, "What is all of this, my execution?"

"We don't allow traitors in L'Manberg, Techno," Quackity replied as he stared into his eyes, just a few weeks ago he'd be too afraid to even speak to the man.

"So what? I betrayed you before you could betray me."

"You wanted to fight for L'Manberg," Fundy smirked, "So what gives?"

Techno scoffed, he leaned into Fundy's space as he pointed a finger in his direction, "Okay fox boy, lemme tell you what gives. I showed my clear disdain for the government over and over. Anyone with a working brain cell could tell I will do anything to rid this world of it."

Fundy chuckled, his whole body shook along with it, "So you sent withers to, what? Prove you have resources to take us down? Wilbur tried that- he tried - and we rebuilt. We will always rebuild, Techno."

"There is so much historical evidence that at this rate, you'll all be dead before you could," He shook his head, "but I am letting off the hook since you are my brother's son. And I care about him then I'll ever care about you."

Fundy looked away, for the first time he faltered, he muttered a "thanks uncle" before he turned back and attempted to continue with a smirk. Tubbo hardly had said anything since their interaction at Techno's house, it was strange to see his friends like that. As though a human life meant nothing to them, at least Fundy reacted poorly for a second meanwhile Quackity seemed to have a clear direction with what he wanted to look like. The man continued to bicker more, mostly because Fundy and Quackity wanted to rile him before he died. Thankfully, their yelling added more time. Tubbo had time to think, truly think, about everything that was about to happen. He looked across from the stage, he saw Philza's door wide open. He crossed his arms, appeared bored as he leaned against the door frame. Neither were ever looking at each other in the eye, but he felt Phil's intent burn into the back of his head. He thought, for just a moment that maybe he was in the wrong. That everything that had happened was incorrect, from the disc war to siding with Dream with... this now. But as he saw his father, glare down at his own child's decisions, he couldn't feel anything but proud. He was doing what his father had done, he is punishing a person who deserved to be punished. Maybe, even if Tubbo was just endugling in it, he'll be proud of Tubbo.

Tubbo grabbed Fundy's ax, frightening both Techno and the Butcher Army. Techno looked scared, genuinely scared, for what was going to happen. And Tubbo, who once feared the dark side, allowed it to consume him.

"Wh-what are you doing?" Techno scrunched his brows together, as he raised his hands in defense.

"What do you think we're doing?" Tubbo yelled, "We're going to execute you."

Techno looked lost, "Wh- you side with these assholes? I thought you were all for peace and all that garbage."

Tubbo shook his head, as he laughed at his despair, "I was until you came along and blew my head off my neck."

Techno was quiet for a moment, Tubbo enjoyed his distraught.

Fundy and Quackity now had to trick him into entering the cage, they were supposed to distract him for a bit longer so they could force him to stand on a certain spot to employ the bars to roll up. So Tubbo had to stall, this change in behavior proved behavioral for this process. Techno was distracted, but Tubbo was too focused on being right to realize it sooner. It may have gone for longer than it should've.

"Tubbo, you told me you forgave me." Techno sounded sad, which was different from his usually dull voice.

"Did you really believe that?" Tubbo wanted to hit him over the head, "Did you really think I forgot? I have scars from that, literal scars, Techno. You don't just forget that."

"I was- I was pressured, man." Techno argued, "I was, I was like you! I was scared."

"Oh no, I am not like you at all," Tubbo pointed at him, "unlike you, I am no longer scared anymore. Not of what people think or anything!"

Tubbo walked closer to him, Techno stepped backward to get away. Coward, he thought.

Techno looked at Philza's house, his eyes never leaving, "What about dad?"

It was one of the few times Techno recognized Phil as his dad. In any other context, Tubbo would be elated. Now, he couldn't help but see it was a weak excuse to continue talking.

"I don't care what dad thinks of me or of you, all I know is that he'll watch you die." Tubbo stepped closer to the man. He didn't care how close he'll get, he will reach that man until his ax touched his face. All Tubbo could think about was how much he wanted to see the color drain from Phil's face after he said that. Even if he'd be pleased, it was hard to do something so wretched in front of your family. But he knew what the greater good was. This was it. L'Manberg was his greater good, it was the only good thing that was consistent in his life.

"But-" Techno stepped a bit too far, the metal bars emerged from the ground due to the redstone coding Fundy was able to achieve. Quackity and Fundy, who'd both stood still, began cheering and yelling taunts into the pig's direction. Techno, although shaken up, didn't look too impressed.

"Did- did you-" He stabilized himself, he gripped the bars of his prison, "Was this all an act, Tubbo?"

Tubbo wanted to talk but his head bobbled a little, a headache was coming. Any time someone asked him about the bumps growing underneath his hair, he wanted to explode on them. At some point, he considered stealing Ghostbur's (rather, Alivebur's) hat but he literally couldn't since it was in Philza's house and there is no way in hell he'll be able to enter.

"N-no." He managed, through rapid blinking and stutters of curses he didn't want to finish.

But Techno laughed at him, his voice was taunting him. He roped his arm through a hole in the bars, as he pushed his elbow into the metal so he could support the tilt of his head. The pose looked rather relaxed a man about to see the end of his life, "You'd really kill your brother dearest?"

"In a heartbeat, Techno." He didn't hesitate.

Techno frowned, but he held up his composure. He sighed, closed his eyes for a moment.

"Alright," he snapped his eyes open, "let's get this over with."

Fundy and Quackity walked up to Tubbo, hands on his hips as they looked like proud brothers. Fundy reached for his own ax, which Tubbo returned. Quackity motioned for Tubbo to move back since he was still wearing his only good L'Manberg suit and not the white aprons the others were. He felt a little overdressed, but he had done this plan much quicker with it on. Techno was smart enough to see something was wrong if he didn't wear it.

As he backed away from the scene, he had heard an echoing voice.

"Hello!" It sang a bit too close to his ear, which caused Tubbo to shiver.

"Hey Ghostbur."

Ghostbur seemed happier than usual, which was odd because he was almost always giddy. He smiled down at the boy, he levitated inches above him. But then he saw it, his brother in a cage. Then his face dropped suddenly, as he looked down at Tubbo. Tubbo didn't say anything, he felt his hands grow sweaty.

"What is that?" Ghostbur pointed in front of him, though it didn't need to be explained, "Why is Big Q and Fundy covered in cranberry sauce?"

"It's- it's not-" It's pig's blood, "We are killing Technoblade."

"Our brother?" This was the first time Tubbo wanted to test to see if you could hit a ghost.

"No," _your brother_ , "he's a traitor, Will."

"I'm-" But Ghostbur kept his mouth shut when he saw Tubbo's glare, "I-I'll tell your father about this."

Tubbo didn't look scared but rather confused, "Phil? Go ahead, he's watching."

"No-" Ghostbur dragged out the 'o' for a bit too long, but then again it could very well be his voice, "your actual father! We are decent friends, I'd hope, though we met during... unfortunate circumstance."

"Is he- did he die?" Tubbo nearly shrieked at the horror of having a dead father.

"No, he is but a ghost now."

_Yeah, yeah cause he died, Ghostbur. Idiot._

"He's very kind- he-he," Ghostbur began to go on a rant that Tubbo could care less about.

This man was a creation of an insane man, or rather the end result of what could happen. He screamed nothing but trouble, family was nothing but trouble. It only made sense the things he'd say would be insane too. Just like Pogtopia, he wanted to believe that he could change but really it was all him underneath it all. He was always selfish. He was always evil. Everything, everything that had happened was thanks to him and his selfishness. From leaving him behind to drug vans to disc wars to spawning withers to destroy worlds, his entire family was nothing short of selfish. As he watched Fundy and Big Q detail how an Avril will fall on his head and steal his life away. Ghostbur continued to talk about nonsense, about his father apparently. So Tubbo ignored him, favored the scene before him rather than a man who spouted bullshit at any chance he can get. If only he paid a little more attention, he would've heard Ghostbur compare his growing horns to the likes of his father's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SBI fd is dead rip /j 
> 
> But no seriously, Tubbo what the fuck did you do :o My mans is just... questioning a lot about things,, please understand he is just... confused, man. Fundy and Quackity will get more character development as this story continues, just watch out for the tags I suppose lol
> 
> Thank you all for the support :) I hope you all have lovely days! 
> 
> Twitter: celestiastarz  
> Tumblr: celestiastarz


	11. "All my troubles on a burning pile, All lit up and I start to smile"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tubbo feels scared, it is a normal occurrence nowadays.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo, I'm back again with a new chapter! Angst up ahead! Not saying Tubbo's entire arc here isn't angst... LMAO
> 
> Warning for impulsive thoughts, even though they are all adopted apparently the voices run in the family :/

Thoughts plagued his mind as he saw Techno on the stage, for all the world to see what will happen when there is a traitor amongst the people. In front of his own father and brothers. In front of citizens and bystanders. Tubbo felt bad. But why? What don't you understand? He is the bad one, he is the villain that they would write tall tales. Tubbo is going to be a hero, he will come out victorious because that's what heroes do. Besides, it's not like Techno is liked by any means. Most people had a strong distaste for him, mostly because he did betray them. So it didn't matter, he's going to die anyway, Tubbo. It doesn't matter what happens to him, Tubbo, it won't matter because he will be dead. He will be lifeless on the floor or disappear, whatever but he will die. Traitors have no place in L'Manberg, Tubbo, you know this. 

Tubbo's mind raced. For some reason, the word dead couldn't leave his mind. Dead, dead, dead... dead brother, dead friend, dead pig, dead... dead! Voices, all around him flooded his mind. Tubbo knew about what the voices consisted of, Techno had voices, Wilbur had voices. Even Tommy had an idea of what the voices were. All were violent, all were scary and terrible things. Techno showed that when he nearly stabbed Will in the heart for the first time, he was stopped before Philza intervened. As the favorite, he wasn't punished. Then again, there wasn't a proper way to punish it other than to use safety knives (which, in the Minecraft Family, did not exist).

Still, Tubbo smiled. He couldn't tell if it was the voices or if he was genuinely happy with what was taking place. It felt like all he could do, at that moment, was to smile.

"We are going to fucking kill you, dude, just- just hold still," Quackity sounded so gentle towards his enemy, which was a drastic change in character from the bloodhungry vigilante from before. But the way he locked eyes with Tubbo for a moment, it seemed like he did it for a reason.

Fundy had roped an anvil to fall on his head, which would kill him instantly when dropped on his head. A quick blow to the head. It wasn't a painful death, but rather a quick and clean one. Though, it'd be very bloody. It was to be expected since the Butcher Army wanted blood and revenge beyond anything else.

Still, Techno didn't take anything seriously. It surprised him how much humor he was able to shove out since he was locked up in a cage, only Ghostbur didn't see how intense the scene was before him. He even introduced his brother to Friend, a sheep he made friends with who had a rather strange name. Just imagine calling a person just... person, Ghostbur was either shit at giving names or giving nicknames. Judging that Tubs came from Tubbee and not... Tubbo was telling of that.

“What, are you guys killing Dream next?" Techno laughed in the face of his upcoming doom, "Isn’t L’Manberg a lot safer now?”

It didn't take a lot to see that Dream set up a lot of men to stand guard for Tubbo, men lined up against the walls who were ready to risk their lives for a country that they probably don't even live in. It was more protected, of course. Still, this didn't mean Dream wasn't on their hit list. They still hated his guts no matter how close they got. Tubbo is meant to hate him too. So he does.

“Don’t worry,” Fundy spoke up, "he’s just a tool for us before we get into our true intention."

“Huh, I almost feel bad for the guy.” He hummed in amusement, Tubbo assumed.

Techno didn't speak much after that, instead, he favored the act to be over and done. Quackity asked why, but Techno didn't give him a straight answer - probably trying to scare them to distract his own growing fear. It was to start, the thorn in their side was about to die. Tubbo felt nothing about it. L'Manberg was safe. Except, something happened that made him think otherwise.

Strangely, just as Fundy let out of the rope, Techno dug into his pockets and drank a bunch of potions in the span of two seconds. Suddenly, after breaking a glass of water, he used his trident to launch himself out of the cage since there was an opening on the roof (it suppose to be from the metal crushing device, but it turned out it was a very bad lapse in judgment). He yelled at the crowd, who was gasping and yelling, screaming "see ya, nerds!" before disappearing in the cloud above them.

Well, well then.

The Butcher Army.... failed? This can't be, they were 0 to 1 and it was their first mission: take down their number one enemy other than Dream. And they failed, miserably at that.

The men huddled together for a moment, discussing plans and what they should do next. Quackity provided minimum input and Fundy complained about how it all went wrong. Tubbo felt sorry for them, they had so much time and thought into this plan but they fucked up the execution (no pun intended). Their conversation was interrupted by a loud cough from the man watching in his house, Philza Minecraft.

"Well done, boys!" He clapped his hands slowly, "Maybe next time, you should buy a guillotine! They are pretty hot on the market."

Fundy waved dramatically at him, "Will do, grandpa, love you!" He sounded as though he was obvious to the venom in the other's voice, probably giddy from the excitement of nearly killing one of his enemies.

"You're dead to me." Phil had said, as he crossed his arms angrily.

Fundy laughed it off by saying he was a jester, which made both Quackity and Tubbo very uncomfortable to be in the middle of it. Both men ended up talking more, revising some plans before they continued as the Butcher Army. They said their final goodbyes to each other as the crowd who watched disbanded. All was left were Tubbo and his father, neither wanted to speak to the other.

"Tubbo," the older man sneered, "what is the meaning of this?"

Tubbo scratched the back of his neck, "I-I don't know, something got into me. I guess."

Phil laughed darkly, "Something got into you when you yelled at your father for never being there. Something got into you when you were not loyal to Wilbur. Something got into you exiled your own brother. Something got into you when you tried to frame your brother as the one in the wrong after he retired from violence. Make up your damn mind, kid. What the fuck got into you now, murdering?"

Tubbo wanted to rebuttal, he really did. But he couldn't say anything to him, even if he hated Phil's guts, he was still his dad. He was still scary when he yelled, or when he was angry with him.

And... he was right. This wasn't a way to treat a homeland, instill fear into residents who live within it, or make them question who is their ally. Quackity and Fundy were at fault but so was he. He could've stopped it. He should've just asked Techno to become their weapon because if they did he and Tommy would be together. All he ever wanted was to see him again, damn it! That stupid compass was the last damn thing he had of his brother, the only brother he'll ever see as one, and he was gone too. All Tubbo could do was stand there like an idiot.

"God," Phil slapped his forehead, "I thought I raised my sons to be loving to one another, I thought you would all get along at some point. But we are at square one. I thought you wanted me to trust you, I hoped you would trust me to protect you. Go- Tubbo, all I ever wanted to do was protect you!"

"I-I-" He couldn't say anything beyond the words that drifted in his head, "I'm sorry."

God, he felt like a child when he said that. He felt like a kid who was being scolded for things he did half- wrong. Even if the other half was right, it didn't make them completely good. So he stood there silent.

"Tubbo," Phil turned his back to the kid, "You're not.. my son. Not after what you had done, I- goodbye, Tubbo."

Then he slammed the door in the kid's face. Tubbo heard nothing but the thumping in his chest. He was just disowned.

But it was all wrong. It wasn't his fault at all. He was alone, scared, and he wanted revenge. Their true enemy was Dream. It was always him. So why did they chose Technoblade out of everyone in the world? Did Fundy and Quackity take advantage of him? Did they think killing Techno, his very own brother, would prove himself to the country? He loved L'Manberg, he loves everyone in it. He knows what it stands for, a faulty president and his impulsive right-hand man. It doesn't matter anymore, because he will bring L'Manberg to justice.

What is home? Tubbo thought about it a lot more often than usual. His house wasn't a home, it was far away from L'Manberg and all it had was his stuff. Much of it was stolen or destroyed over time. But it was still there. It was quiet, he even had a bee garden of his own! But it wasn't home. He slept there and sometimes ate there, but he grew fearful of inviting others to join him there. It was beyond lonely, it was like walls were closed in on him.

That wasn't home. Home was meant to make you feel like you are protected. He wanted to feel safe. He felt safe with Niki, Ranboo, and Eret. He was safe with Wilbur and Techno. He knew he should've been safe with Tommy. But Phil said he wanted to protect him.

All Tubbo wanted to do was hide away, from the world and the people in it. He thought about Tommy and himself, he clenched his fist. He and Tommy against the world, they used to say like it was a catchphrase. And it was. They ran away together, both found comfort in train cars and underground stations until they found the SMP where their oldest brother was living at. They were going to do it again when their world was crushed for the first time when Wilbur decided linking L'Manberg with TNT was the best way to rid the world of governments. No matter what happened, he and Tommy had each other's backs. But now, he was gone. They were all against him, they all hated him. Tommy hadn't said anything to Ghostbur about him, Ghostbur gets anxious whenever the two of them speak, and now Techno doesn't even trust him anymore. His father just disowned him, threw him away on the side of the road like his parents before him. 

Tubbo didn't want to cry. He wouldn't. So why was his head pounding? Tubbo fell to his knees, his grip on his tie, and his fist came into contact with his forehead. Over and over and over... he felt no ease after the hit landed but it reminded him that he was still there. He wasn't dying, everything fighting word jumbled in his head. No, no matter what he won't give up. For the honor of L'Manberg. For the honor of his friends. For the honor of Wilbur Soot, their first president. He will keep standing for new hope, that was all he could do. As he crumbled to the ground, succumbing to the floor below him, he felt his headache drift away for a moment. As he touched his head, he felt his two bumps.

_The subtle growth of the bumps continued to take form. It didn't feel like much but, as Tubbo ran his hand over them, they felt like the thorns that grew on roses to keep them away._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for a short chapter! I wanted to get this one out soon as I could because I have big things planned for the next couple chapters! Be on the lookout for them! :)
> 
> Thank you so much for the support, y'all are amazing <3 
> 
> Also, Goat!Tubbo supremacy 
> 
> Twitter: celestiastarz  
> Tumblr: celestiastarz


	12. "I cry hard because I have died, And you're alive"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tubbo thinks everything is alright. They aren't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy February :) Wish I posted this on April Fools' Day but truly I am the fool who is writing Minecraft angst.

The weirdest thing about being disowned is that in some ways, it's quite liberating. Tubbo hadn't felt like he had a home at Phil's for years. When he first left home with Tommy, it didn't feel like they were growing up or whatever. No, when they left it felt like they left a prison cell. Phil wasn't overbearing by any means, (a bit protective of them? maybe) but he did have this strange trait that made Tubbo feel weaker than he already does. Even after he said roughhousing with Tommy was fun, Phil always told the boy off. Which made Tommy stop touching Tubbo altogether, in case he broke his bone with his fingers alone or something. They were only ever to fight with swords as long as Phil was there to monitor it. But whenever Tommy got seriously hurt, Phil had always brushed it off, which promptly caused Techno and Tubbo to be the Minecraft family's resistant nurse. Tubbo saw how Phil treated Tommy versus himself, no matter what he was treated differently and he didn't like that at all. He enjoyed the attention, yes, but after seeing how he was treated like an artifact than a real person: he had grown to hate their pointed stares more and more.

That's what abandonment does to you, right? Makes you feel weak and scared to open up to people. Maybe he could just pin this on his biological parents and move on, but he can't just do that. It was like blaming Gods for something when you barely even have a concept to go off on. He couldn't criticize them, hell he barely knows them. Who is to say what they did was right or wrong? He can't even understand why there are horns growing in his head!

Horns, right, he nearly forgot about them. He wishes he could, Tubbo's horns have been causing more and more painful headaches. He was a master at ignoring that, and by being a master, he regularly steals Niki's meds that she has for headaches. Hopefully, he got more use than she did seeing that Eret's castle barely has guests that come over anymore. They don't even come around much, Tubbo hoped it was because they are just busy. Eret did start talking to Fundy more and Niki started a flower shop. Maybe things were getting better, Tubbo could only focus on wishful things and not the growing pains.

Tubbo started playing with Fundy more as they grew closer, they related on the topic of bad dads so it was only fair that they would hang around more. Tubbo often found himself playing chess at Fundy's house. It made sense why he started to hide within his house, it was rather big for a house of one but Tubbo didn't judge. His own house was empty if there weren't so many chests. Fundy came around at some point, he asked if Tubbo ate since he did have trouble with remembering (at least he never asked about the pills he kept on hand) and Tubbo lied through his teeth.

"Are you sure?" Fundy had asked, his ears flickered, he seemed more animated these days, "I could always cook you something, as long as it's not fish.." he mumbled the last part to himself but Tubbo had heard anyways. Thankfully to Fundy, he didn't mention it at all. "No, it's fine." Tubbo laughed awkwardly and held his hands up in defense,

"Truly, I just wanna get back to business." Truth is that he has barely eaten since he got disowned, which is funny because his dad cooked for him whenever he was stressed, so it was strange that he was now the opposite. Guess things don't carry on when the host is gone. He appreciated Fundy's care towards him, but it was unwanted attention. It was another reminder of being a burden to others around him and he didn't want to bother anyone else. That's why he's with Fundy, after all, to forget it all.

Fundy and Tubbo discussed their plans of taking down Dream, Tubbo admitted taking down Techno was "too risky" - he really meant that he was too emotional when it happened. He needed to take down Dream fashionably, somewhat less impactful than before. Fundy agreed, then asked Tubbo again if he was feeling okay for a second time. Tubbo didn't know if he was asking because Techno is his brother or because of his father or what, but Tubbo sighed and lied for another time. He realized he was going to lie a lot more often after today.

Fundy smiled and then left. When he left, Tubbo believed he should do the same. Staying in the house of his brother's son was just another reminder that his own brother is dead. As he exited the home and hurried nearby the heart of New L'Manberg, he saw a familiar red-coated man - or rather pigman.

He seemed like he was in a hurry, with two bags over his shoulder, which made sense since Tubbo and his gang did try to kill him merely a few days ago. Was he that worried about death? Tubbo, in a strange act of confidence, called out to him.

"Techno, what are you doing here?" Tubbo asked, rather too loudly.

Techno just looked at him, "What, you're not gonna kidnap me again?"

Tubbo just shook his head, he stared at the taller with no light behind his eyes.

"I'm just visiting a friend, you may have heard of him?" Techno tilted his head, his crown hung off him almost mockingly, "I just gotta give him something real quick and I'll be out of your hair, kid."

Then he was gone.

The interaction was quick but left him uneasy. Tubbo was surprised by his causal nature. But then, those words hit him like a brick wall. Visiting a friend was what he said. He couldn't think of anyone who could've interacted with the pigman, except for one. But he wouldn't betray them like that, would he? Would he speak to Techno? That's out of character for him since he was a known ally to L'Manberg, not to mention was very well known. He wasn't even able to join in with the war. Tubbo wished he could feel happy for him but he felt nothing but burn marks across his heart with an ache to reach for something. He tried not to think about it because thinking made it harder to forget. If he forgot what Techno had said, then he'll forget it, right?

He didn't want to bring it up with Dream, really he didn't. Considering he is their number one evil with Techno falling behind (the one time he isn't in first, Tubbo thought somberly) but who else could he go to? Niki, Ranboo, and Eret were gone, or busy. Fundy and Quackity would just kill Tubbo in cold blood if they heard he wanted to talk to the devil. Tommy was... yeah. It seemed like Dream was the only one he could turn to for now.

Dream was someone he could trust with this stuff, right? God, he is sounding like Quackity. That man used to follow Schlatt with his life, even if he disagreed with him or hated the actions, he still allowed it to happen whether he liked it or not. What if he wasn't another Schlatt but another Quackity, Tubbo laughed darkly to himself. Yeah, a hybrid becomes a duck. Wait- what?

He... ignored that thought, in favor of thoughts about the interaction between himself and Dream. He couldn't vent as he used with Wilbur or Tommy, nor can he rant as he does to Ghostbur. He must choose his words carefully, not to show weakness in between breathes. Speaking of his family was a hard topic, especially as the boy who was openly disowned (clearly shown at least) but he managed to think about a few things. Well, for one he wants to talk about Ghostbur's comments towards his "dead dad". That was unnerving of him, thinking back it felt almost like Ghostbur was mocking him or something. Dangling this proclamation of Tubbo even having a biological father felt ruthless during the supposed execution of his own brother. He also wanted to mention that. There was no way Dream didn't hear of it, a whole crowd was watching, the news will soon hear of this.

Tubbo stood next to the walls of L'Manberg, it was just the ending of New L'Manberg before you enter the Holy Lands. The boy stood there and waited for the green, masked wearing man to show up at the walls as he does everything night to watch over his men. He thought back to his talk with Dream about family. How he never considered having one, not even one within his own team. Was he truly that alone? So alone that he finds comfort in a mask and an ax? Almost on cue, the man who haunted his dreams appeared before him, he scared Tubbo.

"Woah! Hey, kid, sorry about that." Dream placed his hands on Tubbo's shoulders to stabilize him, "I - uh - thought you saw me."

Tubbo was brought back to reality, he coughed and adjusted his tie, "Uh- right, yes- Uhm, I wanted to talk to you."

Dream's face was once again concealed, but based on his smug tone, he lifted an eyebrow.

"Oh, a talk?" His voice was flat, "We have plenty of those, don't we?"

Tubbo didn't mention that last statement, that was the last thing he wanted to think about, "It's about family again, if you don't mind."

Dream stiffened but scratched his head as he looked away, "Eh, I can deal."

So Tubbo tried to speak with confidence but even his voice would betray him. When he pictured how he'd speak about such topics, he didn't think he would get so worked up about them.

"He told me he was alive, like who says that? He can only talk to people who are in Hell, or well, alive. But he basically said my dad was a shithole! I mean, I assumed because who the fuck puts a baby in a box on the side of the road but still!" Tubbo didn't allow his true emotions to flow, about Philza and Techno or Wilbur, or, hell, even Tommy. He knew he'd end up crying or dead.

"I-I'm sorry, kid," Dream muttered, placing a hand on Tubbo's head, "Family's... family's tough."

"You're telling me." Tubbo laughed bitterly, looking at the ground. He wasn't going to cry, he wasn't. He brought his hands to his face, he was shaken.

The world was crumbling around them, Tubbo felt an end drawing near. He had power and friends, who was he to say that he'll last forever. People are inherently jealous and angry, he doubted that everyone was on his side since he chose a side that leaned towards violence. The two were quiet for a moment before Tubbo spoke again.

The boy's hands fell from his face, warmth from his hands transferred to Tubbo's face, dread faltered in his eyes as he said, "I wish Tommy was here."

Tubbo missed Tommy more than anything in the world. He knew what he had done was all because he was afraid and scared, but he needed him back. He didn't care about having a brother, he just wanted his best friend back. The topic of Tommy himself had plunged them back to silence. Dream cleared his throat and removed his hand from the kid's head. Tubbo looked at him, afraid. Dream adjusted his mask, the permanent smile taunted him.

"Sadly, family relations is more than what meets the eye. Sometimes, even they fall due to pressure." When Tubbo didn't speak, he continued, "Even I have a secret about yours."

Tubbo tried to see if Dream would play it off as a joke, he didn't, He stared deadly at the taller, "What are you talking about?"

Dream didn't answer because of course, he didn't. He was a prick. He loved putting people on edge, having people fear him, and most of all, he loved power. Connections and love meant nothing as long as he had the power to overrule those around him. When you have power, in Dream's eyes apparently, you can simply force people to befriend you. As Tubbo said, he's a prick who liked playing God. Though, even that's underestimating him. Why did he even confine in this man?

"He's gone, Tubbo." Dream turned his back on Tubbo, his arms were stretched out towards the sky, "He's gone to the wind, or rather the sea, I suppose."

"Liar!" Tubbo screamed, he felt like a sword was pierced through his body, "You're.. you're lying."

Dream chuckled, god Tubbo hated that sound, "Check it out yourself, kid. Make it your first time seeing it in action, I guess."

Then he was gone.

Tubbo felt violently ill like standing was no longer an option as he fell to the ground. He wanted to yell and cry and kick, he wanted to throw a fit. But he didn't. He didn't have enough energy. Instead, like any responsible war soldier in time of need, he tracked down Tommy's exile island and was going to prove that bastard wrong. He wanted a green man's head on a stick. He gathered supplies in case it'd take him a while and followed where his compass led him. As he walked, he passed by a figure. He was too infested with the thoughts of Tommy, wounded or dead, to have noticed.

"Tubbo?" A voice piqued his ears, "Where are you going?"

"Hello Ghostbur, I have to go check on Tommy." Tubbo paused for a moment, before he turned to face the man, "Say, didn't you see him during his..."

"Vacation?" Ghostbur added, with a tilt of his head.

_One could call it that, Tubbo thought bitterly._

"Yeah, that."

Ghostbur tapped his chin, thoughtful, "Well, he seemed rather.. upset at the very thought of not seeing you. I think, he missed you deeply. He always spoke to the air as though it was you with him all along!"

Tubbo's heart broke, did he mess Tommy up that much?

"But it's nothing to worry about! He's fine on his own, I assure you Tommy is a big man!" Ghostbur smiled, "Though, he wouldn't mind having visitors around."

Tubbo nodded, "Thank you, Ghostbur. Do you... you know the fastest way to him?"

Ghostbur gave a tiny giggle, "Use the portal, silly! He'll be on the other side!"

Tubbo bit his lip when he realized that (all that packing for nothing) and waved at Ghostbur. Finally, he had a direction to go. He hurried to the portal that led him to see Tommy. All he could trust that Ghostbur wasn't a lying scum bag. Though that ghost's track record isn't looking very good right now, still he had to place blind luck for better or for worse.

He walked past the Christmas tree, through the nether, then through another portal. Then he was there, what appeared to be Tommy's home. Except, it wasn't. There was literally nothing there, everything was destroyed and in shambles. It felt like what happened to L'Manberg when Dream blew it up (and when Wilbur did it but Tubbo didn't want to think about him right now). There was Logstedshire, it had recently fallen apparently. He saw the empty beach, it was decorated for a party. He wondered if anyone attended. Then he saw something that didn't belong.

A tall pillar that seemed to reach the stars, nearby the deafening sea. Just as Dream said, lost to the ocean. But it couldn't be, he didn't... display such tendencies before? Then he remembered what Ghostbur had said.

_How he missed him. How he wanted company again. How badly he wanted visitors for even just a moment. How the beach was decorated for more than one._

All Tommy ever wanted was a friend, someone who welcomed him into his life as much he welcomed them. He never ended up getting one. Tubbo realized how similar they both were. He felt more alone than ever.

"Surely not, surely-" Tubbo gripped his undershirt, he felt himself panicking as he held onto the words ' _no, he didn't do i_ t' and ' _this is all my fault_ '.

Tubbo wasted his last breath on ' _I'm sorry_ ' before he fainted on the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tubbo really opened up with the most abusive man on the server lmao 
> 
> I am doing my best to post more of this fic because like I said, I am planning big things for this fic! It's really cool how a vent fic became a popular story of mine, thank you for the support everyone! Also, there's a repeating phrase in this fic that's pretty important,, Hope you can easily figure what it is haha
> 
> Twitter: celestiastarz  
> Tumblr: celestiastarz


	13. "I make a list of all the ways to change my ways, But I stay the same"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tubbo wakes up, again, in a new place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't actually expect to post so yeah, but this was a fun chapter to write so hopefully you enjoy it, I may have added a few references here and there but nothing too much. 
> 
> Also: I do not ship any characters in the smp, the fundy / dream mention was a joke on the marriage video lol cus Fundy forgets what's in the plot and what's not... that's my funny fox man <3 I don't ship IRL ppl lol

The next thing Tubbo heard was a voice. It was a woman's voice, he assumed. She sounded distraught, her voice was uneasy. She rushed around him, it stabilized him enough to realize he wasn't dying but rather was being saved. Whoever this woman was Tubbo knew she was remarkable if she was doing anything to save him. Might as well help her too. He tried to open his eyes, to no avail. Again, he struggled to wake up. It was like darkness wanted to consume him, pollute his air and suffocate him. But he let them win for too long. He was going to save himself for even just a moment. As his eyes opened for more time...

He had saw light. It was unwelcoming and disruptive but it was light. He was alive, life was given back to him for another round. 

His eyes opening was noticed by the people nearby. Voice surrounded him, swarming from cheers to praises to exclamations. 

"Oh my god!"

"We thought we lost you, dude!"

"Oh thank fuck, we didn't have to elect Ranboo.. thank god-" 

He heard a slap after that. Still, as he attempted to sit up but fail, he smiled dumbly at the three voices. Niki, Fundy, and Quackity. He took in his surrounding for a moment and then realized that he wasn't in the location he remembered he fell in. It was Niki's room but this time, it had her scent in it. Wildflowers in a vase with a card signed "Cpt. Puffy", paintings of foxes were hung across the walls, and she even had photos of some faces he recognized, some better than others. 

"Niki... wh-what happened?" Tubbo had to reach out to Niki first. He knew she was the only one who took care of him the best.

"Oh, why does he talk to Niki first?" Fundy complained to Quackity, "I literally pulled his ass over here."

Tubbo winced at his tone, "Wh-what?"

"Yeah, I asked Ghostbur where you ran off to because I was basically just babysitting you. I mean, I know technically you're supposed to be older than me but foxes age differently so really you are a baby compared to me-" he got smacked lightly by Niki which caused him to freeze up like a cat, but he continued, "-anyways, he told me where you were and I saw you just... lying there, and kind of thought you died, but I felt a pulse so I carried you to Niki. Just in case, before I could pronounce you as dead."

Niki gave Fundy a pointed glare before she softened up and turned to Tubbo, "So, that brings us to here! How are you feeling?"

"Like hell." Tubbo deadpanned.

They laughed, it was a sweet sound honestly. He wished to treasure it like a childhood photo. But then, he must remember the tragic event that took place in that area.

"Fundy," He began, "You saw that too, right?"

"Huh? What do you mean?' Fundy tilted his head- if Tubbo wasn't in a sour mood, he may have joked about seeing that face on his pet fox before.

"The...pillar." 

Fundy's ears went down, as the room carried the silence. It was a surprise how much you could get away with when the noise is non-existent. You could hear a pin drop and echo across the halls. By Fundy's eyes alone, he could detect that he understood too. Tommy's body was akin to that Fox's mother, forever cursed to exist within the sea. He will decay and he would never be recovered. Tubbo hated that, he hated it. Still, He hates Schlatt far more and Dream even further. He sighs, he had to bear his teeth like a bear. If protecting L'Manberg was enough to keep his friends here and happy, he was willing to die a hundred deaths for Wilbur's wish. It was what they all fought for. Revolution, or death. A simple statement with a dark truth.

Sometimes, he wished he had Ranboo's ability. To be able to forget and come back clean, whatever that had caused him the pain would never resurface unless set in stone with ink and paper. But that's when he realizes history can be altered. Without proof, memories were worthless if not remembered. How many memories had Tubbo lost since Tommy had left? Was Tommy always in pain and he never noticed it? How many times Tommy would run his hands through his hair when anxious, or how many times he tried to look to Wilbur whenever he was lost, only to see he was not there? How he laughed? How he cried? Tubbo had forgotten what it was like to be a kid. 

He wants to be a kid... what an old phrase. Being a child was meaningless in this world, Niki and Fundy can tell you that much. This world wasn't meant for the faint of heart, even Tubbo was roped into it. Innocence and love were cast aside in favor of war because in the end nothing really mattered unless you had power. And Wilbur never had power. Tommy never had power. Neither had Techno. Or Philza. Or.. Fundy. 

Power was everything in this world. Everything was made to be controlled.

"Niki?" Tubbo croaked out.

She hummed as her hands were to her hips. 

"May you please leave, I have to talk to them." He didn't have to clarify who "they" were.

She blinked, stunned at his bluntness. But she nodded, mumbled something about needing to help Ranboo, and ran off.

The most important thing about being president is that you call the shots at the end of the day. As long as violence was included, you could get away with mostly anything. If you wanted to destroy the world, you had people behind your back who would light a match without you having to even lift a finger. Yet, Tubbo had felt guilty. He wasn't the one who killed Techno. He wasn't the one who got to kill Schlatt. He was no true leader if he wasn't apart of what he wanted to lead. As much as violence disturbed him, it wasn't like his voice would be heard any other way. 

He needed a message and he was painting it bright green.

"Guys, we need to plan something. Techno's... that wasn't enough. We need to prove to the citizens of L'Manberg that we can do better, this means we have to plan something to kill Dream."

Quackity shook his head, "No way, Dream was already on our hit list, right? Even our enemy knows about our hatred. He isn't that stupid to be fooled, right?"

"Stupidity has a limit; that limit is their own ego. Let's inflate his ego, we are hosting a festival for him." Tubbo announced, "We will make it the Butcher Army's specialty!"

Despite his previous anxious rebuttals, he agreed with the hosting of a festival, "You know what, fuck it, this army relies on killing traitors so that's what we are going to do." He raised his hand into the sky.

Fundy raised his hand up excited, "I got my heart broken by him and my granddad called me a furry, so I'm all in!"

"Then it's a date," Tubbo followed their actions, "Operation let's kill a green, masked vermin is officially ready to go!"

They all piled their hands on top of each other and swung them to the heavens and back.

And so the Green Festival, cleverly named, was planned. It took a while for the plans to be fleshed out so they kept it to themselves for a while, not to mention Tubbo recovers very slowly. Niki was a very good nurse and an even better friend, she refills his pills and makes sure he drinks water. She came to realize he often faints a lot but to be fair under that amount of stress it was a given. But after a while, he was up and walking again without an issue. Strange they came this far with modern medicine that they are able to cure broken bones but not dizziness. God, their healthcare system seriously downgraded since their Manberg days (and that's saying a lot). 

As he improved physically and mentally, Ranboo decided to approach him about topics that - if not for the intense supervision and pills given by Niki herself - would make him faint for the 7th time this month. 

"Hey Tubbo!" His voice felt always sounded familiar like he was a long-lost brother or something. Not that he would never admit that to his face, he'd get the wrong idea and freak out.

"Hey Ranboo," Tubbo eyed him carefully, "what's up?"

"Well, I was wondering about the festival."

Tubbo backed away, how did he get this information? He prayed he didn't overhear them. 

"Festival? What festival?" 

Ranboo laughed, was he wallowing in his pain? Who knows.

"Fundy told me about it, said it was... to better their image, I guess." Ranboo's explanation eased Tubbo's anxieties but just a little bit. That was until Tubbo noticed his earring. 

"Say, Ranboo?" Tubbo didn't wait for a response, "Where did you get that emerald earring?"

Ranboo seemed confused, possibly to play dumb, "Uh, I am not... I am not sure-"

"Nonsense!" Tubbo's voice got louder, which scared the 6ft enderman, "You of all people know that those things resemble Techno's weird friend emeralds. Were you planning something with the enemy?" 

Tubbo should have known better, he was nothing but a liar.

"N-no!" Ranboo shook his head, "Nothing like that, I mean, I can tell you anything."

"Go on."

"Well, I spoke to your-, Philza, I spoke to him about the execution, about how.. I watched by Niki's side," Ranboo scratched his neck, "and my guilt for not stopping the Butcher Army in time before all that."

"Wait, you saw all of that?"

"Of course I did, I started to spend more time with Niki and her flower shop because she planned on staying with Eret. We were in the area for Fundy though, we thought we would just see... normality, I guess."

Ranboo being Techno's friend made Tubbo realize how untrustworthy Ranboo could be. He was able to trade secrets with ease, that was until he realized secrets were things he was good at keeping due to his memory loss. Maybe he was the most untrustworthy trustworthy person Tubbo had ever met. But either way, it didn't matter in the end because Ranboo was here and he knew about how they didn't tell him about the army. He never planned to, nor would he predict the kid would join but even now he is realizing that he was a yesman, much like Wilbur had suggested when he was plotting to blow up L'Manberg. 

When it all went wrong.

In a twisted sense, this was a way to restore faith in New L'Manberg (he barely called it that anymore, he wondered why) and to give the people a false image of peace. Technically speaking, as long as the world keeps spinning, war will never end. It was a known language in the Dream SMP and therefore known by all as nothing more but a new way of interacting. But all Tubbo needed was for citizens to wind down and be protected, he didn't want another Dream SMP war 2.0 because he knows damn well it'll take more than bribes to fend off that war. 

"I want to help decorate." That sounded like Déjà vu, Tubbo shrugged it off.

"Sure, but I have one more question:" Tubbo paused, "why did you go to Philza and Techno first?"

"Well, after I told Phil that something was clearly wrong he told me about... and Techno-"

"No, no, go back. What did he say?"

"He said.. you weren't acting like.. yourself."

That was definitely a lie, Ranboo's love for honesty made up for his terrible memory and people skills. Even if he wanted to believe that, he knew it wasn't true. Phil was fine with criticizing his children and picking them apart, limb by limb. He at least knows what Ranboo thinks of him.

"I'm not.. acting like myself?" Tubbo smirked, "How more myself can I be? Is being me not enough?"

Ranboo rubbed his head, he looked dazed, "Ugh, this is all making my head hurt. Honestly, I wasn't even going to write this down, a bitter side of me just... wanted to forget what I saw, but I stayed true and wrote it all down. Like a good minute man does!"

Ranboo.. he was.. he was.. he was proud, they didn't get a lot of proud people around here. It was rare to see that people still had faith in the government, it felt like people in the government hate the government, turning to a life of bloodshed. 

"You exceed my expectations, good sir." Tubbo tried to pat his shoulder but he was literally 3 feet shorter, and even more in Ranboo's true form (???), "Go off, go make L'Manberg proud!"

He promised to make L'Manberg look even more beautiful before that gentle giant ran off, he looked more excited than usual. Tubbo felt happy. He knew that was the wrong emotion to feel after Ranboo revealing all of that but truly he felt nothing but glad. He was able to share that information without a fear Tubbo would hurt him, it wasn't like he could or even had to. Techno was an enemy, yes, but he was not banned from the server. Ranboo is still allowed to speak to whoever is on the server. However, asking if it hurt was another question because holy hell, did it burn. Ranboo spoke to a man who attempted to kill him, a man who pretended to be a brother for years to gain his trust, and someone who hurt Tommy, his Tommy. Ranboo didn't understand how much that hurt but then again he didn't want him to. Maybe that's why he is happy because no one deserves to feel scared. Not even him.

He returns to Fundy's care, because thinking of family makes him feel sick to his stomach, and playing with Fundy was akin to his swordfight with Tommy. Fundy played chess together, which they came to a tie several times somehow. It was either good luck or bad luck and considering it was impossible to get Tubbo concluded it destroyed adjectives, it was just luck. 

At some point, Fundy strangely asked about Tubbo's relationship with Phil, to which Tubbo joked and explained it was a shit storm. That's when Fundy informed Tubbo that Phil also disowned him as apart of his family, but he was getting adopted by another. 

"Woah, adoption's a thing around here?" Tubbo exclaimed curiously, "I honestly thought it only existed outside the SMP."

"What? Yes, adoption is- wait, weren't you- whatever." He rubbed his temples, his ears hugged the sides of his face, "Yes, I am getting adopted."

"By who?"

"Eret, he offered to adopt me as my mother." Fundy's ears perked up, "I was so ecstatic, I might get a new parent!"

Tubbo smiled, "Well deserved." 

Although both he and Fundy often joked about Wilbur's existence, simply because he is a ghost and therefore still around, he was happy for the guy. Fundy's been through a lot, a lot he doesn't understand himself. He had this weird fascination that he was married to Dream and that they were "bonded" for each other over. He always spoke about how much he treasured him and would destroy the planet itself if it meant for him to be with his one true love. Truthfully, all Fundy probably really wanted was the attention but whatever. Having your father ignore you for your uncles was challenging at times. 

"Thanks, man." Fundy smiled, and the moment continued on. 

It made Tubbo think, his thoughts on family were always something he valued despite how often he disagrees with the ideas of what blood family meant. It was bonded purely on blood and not if they have bathed in the same water. His family was always who he thought of as friends. It was Tommy, Niki, Ranboo, Eret, Fundy... they were all his friends, he knew that much. Tommy was his younger brother who tried to act older but was too passionate to seen as older. Niki was his sister, who would care for him and make sure he's okay while teasing and making fun of him in the same breath. Fundy was his brother clumsy and sometimes downright invasive but when you trust him, he would kill for you. Ranboo was a quiet and meek brother but you can tell he cared and he carries so much love with him in every direction he goes. Eret was a parent, who brushed your hair and told you bedtime stories, he gave you a home and never asked for much in return.

Eret was his parent, a far better one at that. His home felt as natural as singing and as cozy as winter's fire. He loved them all equally, his love was never a show of hands. No, he was more than happy to make sure everyone knew he loved them to bits and pieces. He wished Eret was the only parent he had ever had but it was selfish. Eret deserved so much more than to raise some monster like him. Even his horns reflected the likes of a devil, those crudely drawn goats that are slain on the top of hills in the act of betrayal and sacrifice. He quickly learned something sad: love was like a war field trying to understand where you are going. Love was as unpredictable as the winds and river currents. Love was as quiet as a mouse and as loud as a lion. It could be soft or rough or smooth or tough, it only decides on you distribute it. Had it been too late? Did he run of out love? It was fair. They were all so good to him. But he was nothing but a speck of dust. Nothing at all in this world.

"Yo, Tubbster, you were- uh, spacing out on me, man." He scratched the back of his neck, "You good?"

Oh, how Tubbo wished to enlighten Fundy on Ranboo's case. On his betrayal and how it hurt so much to not be trusted. How sometimes he wished he was happy and that he was locked in his room forever until dad came home. He wanted to be those photos in Ghostbur's album, he wanted to be everything he was before. Happy, sunny, and proud. He wants to be proud forever and ever again, like a child and as a kid.

He wanted to be happy again.

"Haha, yeah," Tubbo flushed, "Wh-what were we playing?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this story! I know I had fun writing it lol
> 
> Reminder: This is an AU so events that take place may or may not be deleted or reformed! If I am able to explain why I forgot to include Ranboo in butchers army, then i deserve to share why!!
> 
> Just know that we only have a FEW CHAPTERS left of this story. <3 If you wanna know/guess, just know this story begins in December! Hehe, hopefully, that's a good hint.
> 
> Twitter: celestiastarz  
> Tumblr: celestiastarz


	14. "But I spit on that good advice, Wisdom, wisdom, Where can I get some?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tubbo believes he has a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little long lol, it was really fun to write this chapter so I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! 
> 
> CW: Death, mentions of headaches, drug use (medically), dysfunctional families/fighting, and food! Stay safe out there guys, remember you are all loved :)

The festival planning was going great, at least Tubbo liked to believe so. Admittedly he wasn't taking a big part in the whole decorating ordeal, mainly because it was all a setup for something bigger. Still, Niki and Ranboo planted flowers and started to create fun games to pass the time. And both were unaware that everything here was but a distraction, just an illusion of fun to make up for what had happened before. It wasn't like the citizens were unknowing of the governments underlying tendencies of putting children in lines of defense and their harsh punishments for those who stand below them, but it was easier to lie than to officially confess that.

Eret had visited Tubbo while he in Fundy's house, planning out his hopeful speeches for his people. They were all just fake, fluffy bullshit but if it sounded good maybe they'll ignore that too. Eret as a parent seemed normal to Tubbo, it was less bizarre than Fundy's mom being a fish, but it was painful to watch as Eret and Fundy speak as though they are one of the same. Eret, who was once known as a traitor, was forgiven almost too easily by him. He has a hard time trusting people and yet, the one person who betrayed him, he forgives instantly. Maybe that's his downfall, he allows his love to room freely across a room. He wanted to ignore Eret's glow, watch as he disappears and the world goes dark again. But he couldn't. Oh well, it wasn't like he was going to control his love by ignoring him anyways. So he ignored the dark side of his brain and waved at Eret to get his attention.

And he did.

So he walked over to what was once Fundy's dinner table that was now Tubbo's current work table, as crumpled up pieces of paper were thrown thoughtlessly around and stacks of paper filled the room.

"Hey Tubs," Eret went to ruffle the teen president's hair, "how are you doing?"

Tubbo smiled at him, "You already like a parent already, I'm doing good. Some of my speech sounds.. bad, but nothing a little proofreading won't fix."

Eret nodded, "I can do that if you want."

Tubbo shook his head, "Nah, I wanna ask Ranboo... if that's okay, I mean."

"Of course it is, I know how close you two are."

How close he is to another traitor.

"I mean, it'd make sense you want to hang out with him too. He's been acting strangely, you being with him brought him back."

Tubbo blinked, confused as ever, "Brought him back? What do you mean?"

Eret sighed, he appeared dazed and almost hypnotized by the weird topic of discussion at best, "I dunno, maybe it's just my eyes talking but... I can't say anything more, rumors are not my thing."

"Speaking of rumors... I think... where did you get the nickname Tubs from?"

Eret shrugged, "I think I heard it from someone... Dream? Probably him."

"Dream? You've spoken to Dream?"

"Uh, yeah. I thought the, uh, Final Control Room explained all of that." Eret stiffened, "He spoke about you guys a lot, but when he spoke of you, he always used Tubs, Tubbee, or Tubster - a variation of all three. I thought it was pretty funny at the time, but it felt darker now that I know he treated you like a child."

"I mean, personally I don't care what Dream calls me. Just as long as he knows we are not allies or anything, but how did he even get those names? Phil hardly even knew where Tommy and I were and Techno merely had a slight idea of where Will was. The only people I allowed to call me that was Will and Tommy, but even they hardly remembered those days anymore."

"Mere coincidence, I guess."

That wasn't true. If it was, consider Tubbo tricked. It wasn't that outlandish to call a kid who adores bees a name that resembles that, but it was strange to have collected three nicknames that were only ever used when he was a child. Dream had not known him when he was that young and if he did, Tubbo would go back to his childhood and repeat it over and over again until he never even had a clue who that man was.

"Yeah, I guess." Tubbo continued to write, silently dismissing Eret.

As the hours clocked in, the festival's preparation was finished. Ranboo, tall and proud, stood by Niki as he raved about his own excitement. Tubbo felt a pain in his chest but ignored it for his sanity's sake. He was thankful for Ranboo and Niki's passion for L'Manberg and making it the best it ever was. As he looked around he could tell there was plenty to do: shows to watch, games to play, and prizes to win. It was heavenly almost.

As citizens gathered for Tubbo's first speech of the day, Tubbo felt his anxiety rang through. This was the most important step, other than killing Dream, if it wasn't bold and honest then it'd be nothing of value. Just nonsense.

"Hey Tubbo," A voice stabilized him, "you'll do great, you are a wonderful leader."

Ranboo, of course.

"Thanks." Tubbo forced out a smile, but he bit it back.

He turned to the crowd and he gave the speech to his people. It was a simple one but one filled with passion, enough to fool the naive people of L'Manberg. As he dismissed the crowd to the festival, he felt an arm pull him in a different direction. They were running towards a dark alley but Tubbo didn't hide, if this is the end might as well embrace it.

"I know who the traitor is, Tubbo, it's more than just Dream and Techno." That was Quackity's voice alright, it sounded like his anxious self as he paced the alleyway like a stage, "He's here and he's hiding from us, I just know it, this is a setup for us more than it is for him."

"Calm down, no one is betraying us. A traitor... is not that bad."

"Not that bad?" Quackity sounded apprehensive at that very sentence.

"Not compared to Dream's fucked up morals or Techno's need for destruction. Compared to those two, this traitor would need to take up knitting to even be a threat to us." Tubbo explained, his voice was to be as relaxed as he could. There wasn't a doubt that the traitor was an issue but it was like a bug compared to a bear. He can squish the bug with a piece of paper quickly but with the bear, you had to appear bigger than him.

"Tubbo, I don't like how you think but I guess I have to agree with you." Quackity scratched his neck.

"Then you just have to trust me," Tubbo proceeds to walk away, he was eager to leave, "come on, let's get back to the festival."

So they returned to the crowd of people, who were all enjoying themselves. They ate, chatted, played games, and danced to their heart's content. He saw as the faces of his people lit up with joy, but he felt whiplash from the conversation with Quackity. That there was a traitor. It was clearly Ranboo, no way of it being anyone else. It was basically confirmed between him and Ranboo when they spoke about the emerald earring. A scared part of him wants to take that earring and crush it into bits and pieces until it's nothing but dust. But he isn't scared of Techno anymore. At least, not as much as before. He was unable to look him in the eyes even after admitting he believed him when he felt peer pressure. But Tubbo had to relax, to save face.

Other than that, it went smoothly. All except one thing, he never showed up. The aim of the game, the reason for this festive season. He was nowhere to be seen. Either he never got an invite or... something sinister was going on behind the scenes. Tubbo didn't trust it at all. He was planning something.

"Hey Tubbo, can I speak with you?" Niki had asked, her voice filled with concern.

Hopefully, it wasn't for him.

"Yeah?"

"Well, I just wanted to say thank you." She cupped her hands together, a gesture to show she was genuine with her words.

Tubbo wasn't expecting that from her, "What?"

"Ranboo's been acting.. differently, since Tommy had left, I think he feels guilty or something. But this festival really made him feel more connected to you."

Tubbo allowed his smile to grow behind the restrictions of formality. It was Niki after all, she was able to make him feel at home.

"I'm glad, he's a good friend. I hope it stays that way."

Niki grabbed Tubbo's shoulders, "I promise it will."

As anxious as Tubbo was at that moment, the determination in Niki's eyes was apparent. Her love was shown through her face itself. She truly loved all her friends, she deserved more than whatever she bargained for. All the war, the suffering, and the pain. She had it more than anyone else. She may have been hurt by Wilbur's actions, but she was more hurt by Dream's. But the pain ends tonight, all their problems and issues will end tonight. Like a fire that was lit too fast, it will blow itself out. They will end Dream's reign of fire.

As the night rang, people were greeted by a goodnight speech by Tubbo. It wasn't long, as he was equally as tired, but it was optimism. People enjoyed sleeping with a side of it every night, he would never opt-out such an important staple of weird inspirational speeches. Some stayed behind to help Ranboo clean up, others left to go to bed. Fundy left early to brood near the docks, something about missing his mom and all. Quackity and Tubbo were the only ones left from the podium.

"So, I suppose we should see who will fess up." Quackity adjusted his beanie.

"Huh?" Tubbo turned to him, scrunching his nose, "What do you mean?"

The man only chuckled, as he left the poor boy in confusion.

Tubbo held onto hope that Dream will arrive because that was all he needed. Though, he must admit that waiting after a festival to show up did seem quite rude - even for people like Dream. All Tubbo wanted was for his final plan to put into action, to act less like Schlatt and more like a leader. He was only doing what others had asked of him after all. It was his L'Manberg now that Wilbur and Tommy were gone. It was all his, a happy place. It felt like nothing could go wrong.

Boy, how wrong that assumption was.

Ranboo ran to Tubbo's side, he seemed scared like he was running from something or someone.

"You don't hate me, do you?" He had asked.

Tubbo felt weakened by the question. Why was he asking him? What was going on? And more importantly, why can't he hear anything going on?

A headache came and went, shapes rushed across the stage, and then a voice.

"Tubbo, here he is!" The voice sang out in glee, wicked glee, "That's your traitor."

He couldn't see much but Tubbo knew who he was referring to. It was obvious from the start, his interactions with Techno and how he never joined the Butcher Army. He was an easy target for secrets as well due to his terrible memory. But he wasn't evil, right? How could he possibly be a bad guy when he was nothing but kind to Tubbo? Were people that easy to turn?

"Ranboo," Tubbo still spoke slowly, "is that true?"

Vision returned to him at the worst time possible, Ranboo's face fell. Though he didn't speak, his eyes told him everything.

It couldn't be.

Quackity stepped towards the coward and his friend, though it was confusing who was who at this rate. He drew out a sword, unlike his ax from before. Was he serious now? Tubbo hoped he wasn't.

"I say we kill him," Tubbo stopped him, he stopped Quackity, "Tubbo... Tubbo, let me kill him. I want him dead."

"No. No! We are not killing him." Tubbo reprimanded him, as he extended a hand in front of his friend as a barricade.

Quackity scoffed, he rolled his eyes at the action, "Wilbur was right about you Tubbo, you really are nothing but a yesman."

Tubbo blinked up at him, was he? No, he was lying. Wilbur at the time was just trying to scare him. He wasn't a yesman, he just wanted to do what others thought was best for their nation. He wanted to support his friends. All he wanted was a safe space for his friends. But the fear in Ranboo's eyes suggested otherwise.

When Tubbo was silently composing himself, Quackity took pleasure in mocking him: "You're acting like Schlatt."

He didn't mean that, Tubbo knew he didn't. He just wanted to piss him off. Still, that word burned a hole into his skin.

"What are you going to do, Tubbo? Make him cry to death?" He joked but they were getting less and less funny by the minute.

"Quackity, remember when Schlatt was president."

"Yeah, I do. I was his vice, of fucking course I do."

"Then I suppose you remember that day," the president's voice went quiet, "the festival."

"I don't recall."

Tubbo almost laughed at that bitterly. He spent all this time saying that Tubbo was the next Schlatt, but really it was him all along. Schlatt was infecting him and he liked it. Tubbo hated how Quackity liked it that way.

“Doesn’t this feel familiar? Like maybe this happened before? At another time, with another ruler? Maybe, maybe we should kill him with a rocket launcher to get the point across!” Tubbo nearly screamed out to him, "It's like you never remember what happened to those around you? Do you think I'm the next Schlatt? Fine, whatever. But don't fucking forget who stood by his side while I was bleeding out in a box after my brother... Don't forget that."

Tubbo watched as Quackity stared back at him, his expression was unclear. Suddenly, without another word, he walked away. He was seemingly annoyed at the fact he wasn't able to kill someone, but he left without a second thought. Ranboo was still by Tubbo's side, equally as quiet but his presence was loud.

"You may go wherever, Ranboo," Tubbo sighed, as he walked away too, "I know people don't trust you, but I trust that you know who your friends are."

"I do." Ranboo had said.

After they shared a quiet moment, they nodded and went their separate ways.

Only if their separate ways lead to a nicer place as Tubbo's place was equivalent to Hell. Somehow, despite not even showing up at the event, Dream appeared before him. He was at the edge of the prime path, Tubbo could've just passed him by if he was wasn't so damn terrifying in that mask.

"I saw the party you set up for me," He stood in front of Tubbo, "how sweet, Tubs."

That damned nickname again, was he overhearing Eret's statement how he was babying him? Surely not, right?

"Dream." Tubbo stiffened at the sight of that man.

"Oh what's wrong," If Dream's face was visible, Tubbo knew he was sneering like a cat, "don't tell me you hate our little nicknames now."

"How do you even know about, whatever."

"Hmm?" He hummed out lazily.

"Are you going deaf?" Tubbo felt a ping of anger rise inside him, "I don't care, whatever!"

Dream brushed a hand through his hair, "Oh, you're wondering where I got the nicknames from, huh? Well, I guess it started a long time ago before you were even born."

"Cut the bullshit, Dream." Tubbo interrupted the masked man, "I didn't know you when I was a baby."

"Oh, you thought only Philza found you?" Dream tilted his head, mockingly, "How terribly selfish of him to take the credit."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

He laughed before proclaiming, "What I'm trying to say is that I'm your adopted brother." Dream lifted his hands up, "Woo, aren't you happy? We are so much closer now, we are a big, happy-"

It could've been the excitement in the air during the festival or Ranboo's near-death experience bouncing around in his head, but Tubbo lunged at Dream, full force. Tubbo didn't even know if he could hurt him. He had nothing but his mind and fists to rely on. All he wanted to do was fight back. Sadly with Dream being taller and stronger, he caught his fists instantly.

"What are you doing?" Dream's voice was calm as he held Tubbo's arms up, "You don't even have a weapon."

"I-I don't care!" Tubbo cried, "I want you dead!"

He slammed his foot into Dream's knees, as he prayed something would occur. Maybe he will fall over or get distracted. Yet no justice came.

"You are embarrassing yourself." Dream spoke again, each time he did it was as though they were taunting him.

But he didn't care anymore. He was done with feeling weak, he was tired of having to be a grown-up. Selfishly almost he wished he never fought for L'Manberg, he never felt more vulnerable than in the moments of ruling a place he never belonged to. A house he owned was not home, he had to build a new one. L'Manberg wasn't home. He knew it wasn't home. So why is he still fighting? A home wasn't a place of fights, it was a place of comfort and love. Eret made him feel comfort and love. Niki made him feel comfort and love. Ranboo. Fundy. Tommy. Maybe he underestimated the love his friends had given him for all these years. He struggled in Dream's grip, even considering biting him. But as his strength grew into grunts and groans, Dream decided to let go. It was not a fair fight, after all, he was basically just playing God just because he could.

"This is what family does to another, I suppose." Dream leaned into Tubbo's space, sounded almost sarcastic, "Nice to know."

He walked away causally as though they just had a lovely chat or something, he waved him off and said, "Catch you at the next family reunion". Which, if all goes according to plan, he wouldn't be alive for any reunions of that sort (not saying Tubbo would believe any lies of him being related to that monster). Though it left him wondering, why the word brother? It was a strange choice of words. Sure, a brother could refer to a friend, which is admittedly worse to be considered a friend to him after fighting with him for so long. But he mentioned he found him first, how he was his adopted brother. How odd, he never heard Phil talk about such a figure. Then again, maybe he just forgot. He forgot a tall, lanky, masked man. Who knows.

Still, his head started to feel as though the world was closing in on him. He started more issues with his head since the festival occurred, maybe it was due to the lack of medication he's been taking. Niki has been pestering him on it. He took out his pills and popped one into his mouth. As the world stabilized, he realized the pain he felt in his hands. They were red marks left behind: a reminder of who had power over him, just another nasty wake-up call. As Tubbo rubbed his fists, he felt an unnerving presence amidst. 

"Tubbo, what's wrong?" Ghostbur's voice never failed to scare the shorter, "Oops, sorry about that!"

"It's.. fine." Tubbo bit his lip, "I'm good, just got into a fight."

"Oh, fights are no fun." Ghostbur frowned but it was replaced with a smile, "Want some blue?" He showcased a blue crystal, it was glowing brighter than usual.

Tubbo looked weirded out, "Uh, what... happened there?" He knew somewhat of what the crystals meant, for example, he knew that blue came from people's sadness (which implies he is... yeah, Tubbo is gonna ignore that) and that it hardly glows like that.

Ghostbur hummed, he looked down at the crystal in confusion, "What do you mean, it's just some blue!"

Tubbo shook his head, it was no use. He was basically as helpful as a rock and even rocks were capable of creating fires and such. He turned to walk away from the scene that was created beyond his control.

"Tubbo, seriously man, what happened?" That was weird. That was the first time Ghostbur's didn't echo.

"Why do you care?" Tubbo froze and turned his head slightly.

"Because you're my brother, I have to care."

Tubbo.

"Well, I am fully capable of taking care of myself, thank you very much." Tubbo stepped towards him, "You don't have to treat like a child."

"Who said that?" Ghostbur looked distressed, "I never said that I'm sorry if-"

"There you go again, not listening and such." Tubbo pointed at him, accusingly, "Ghostbur, you have to realize that you are still as fucked up of a brother as Techno is. You don't remember anything right, well Glatt told me otherwise. He said he saw me in Hell... I don't even know if he remembers but you have to have seen me before, right? Your past mistakes, right. You- you lied to me Will, you lied to all of us."

Ghostbur looked to the ground, each word he tilted his head slightly, empathizing each word in a sickeningly sweet tone: "Will is not here, Tubbo. He's gone."

"Yeah, but you're Wilbur." Tubbo crossed his arms, as he bounced his head slightly as he spoke.

"I'm nothing like Wilbur, Tubbo!" Ghostbur cried, it was louder and disorientating, "I want to change, I just want to make people happy!"

"Yeah, well, I never wanted to be president." He shouted back to match Ghostbur's cries, "You made me, you made me president of this ruined nation. It's all your fault." 

By the time he was shouting too, he was crying just as bad as Ghostbur was. Tears streamed down their faces as the words got harsher and the tone got louder. They couldn't stop fighting or yelling, Tubbo couldn't tell anymore. Both sides screaming about what they wanted or didn't want. 

"Trust me if I could, I would take it all back. All of it!"

"I didn't want war, why did you make me do this. You're awful, an awful brother!"

"I never wanted to hurt you, Tubbo, I don't!"

"I never wanted a brother!" 

Tubbo's words make Wilbur go silent. Tubbo placed a hand over his mouth, his eyes wide from the realization of what he said. How big an impact his words had, he might never understand. He tried to look anywhere but at him, but it was useless. He knew how much Tubbo hated him, how much Tubbo wished for a better life, and how purposeless he was to him. Course, they were half-truths to the reality of the situation. Wilbur was never perfect. But he read Tubbo stories when he was too scared to sleep. He cooked them meals whenever Philza was away. He sang them craftily made songs and put on concerts, just for them both.

Techno leaving hurt but Wilbur leaving hurt more. It was an end of an era, the last moments of childhood before it became empty trains carts and gas station food and prayers that they will find a home to call their own. Because no matter what, childhoods were always going to be ripped out of the hands of those who never truly had one in the first place. Philza taught them that violence was the only universal language. He learned how to sword fight long before learning to read. Growing up was for those who were able to count how many blades of grass there was in their backyard, Tubbo never had that pleasure in the first place. He was taught to be cautious and wary of everyone. But instead, he grew naive when people showed him to trust and respect. He wanted to follow through no matter what. It was caused the nation the most issues. Then again, he was just a kid. What did they expect? He was just a kid.

A kid.

"I-I.." Tubbo spoke up first, regretting doing so immediately after.

"Tubbo?" 

"Shut up." Tubbo whimpered through his hand, "Leave me alone."

So he left. He felt a little bit of a coward after doing so but he couldn't stay there any longer. Ghostbur was upset, due to his own neglectful nature. He was supposed to scare him off like that, he just wanted to be heard. Why does everything he wants go wrong? He wants Dream dead. Failed. He wants Ghostbur to admit he remembers. Failed. He wants Schlatt gone. Failed. Everything he planned either went the opposite direction or crumbled upon itself. All he wanted was peace and quiet. He knew just the place to go to.

He ran to Eret's castle as fast he could. It was all he knew. Running from train conductors, from cashiers, from enemies, from Dream. Running was ingrained into his mind so much so it could be considered an instinct, but this time he wasn't running away. He was running towards something bigger, even if to him it only meant physically.

"Tubbo?" Niki was near the entrance again, he fell into a pile beneath her, "Tubbo! What's wrong, where did these marks come from?"

"Drink."

"Huh?" Niki lifted him up slightly, brushing his hair away from his face. She didn't mention the horns.

"Ran." He coughed, "Here."

So she fixed them hot cocoa with whipped cream, they spoke about nothingness for a bit. Niki went on about some zombies who tried to kill her fox and she killed them with nothing but a wooden sword. Actually, it made Tubbo realize how cool Niki was. And also how lacking in items she was. Schlatt was really an ass, both literally and physically (though he was pretty sure he was a ram, but he was just trying to be mean), for taxing her for speaking up against a government that had done her wrong. It was a moment of calm after the storm he had endured.

"Ranboo told me about what happened with.. Quackity." She gripped her cup tightly, "He... cried a lot, I had to patch up his eye since it burnt."

Tubbo wanted to question why only one eye, wasn't he an enderman? But she continued before he could say a word.

"He said something about Dream, about how he was the reason everything here happened. I don't quite understand, but I am worried for him. Every since Techno's execution, he's been going to this room. He doesn't tell me what it is or where it is, I assume he gets anxious there, but I know he's been speaking to him. He started talking more distantly and I don't like it. It has to be his fault... you know who I'm talking about right."

Tubbo nodded after her ramble, "I do."

But he found it hard to believe. He had connections to Dream as well? That was more surprising than him being a traitor. Everyone had this universal hatred for Dream after betraying them all, one by one. His attachments to things disappeared and he made it clear when Tommy had brought up Spirit. Ranboo, after he learned about him, wanted to choose people instead of sides. At least, that's what he told Tubbo. But Tubbo tried that as well, turns out people themselves don't even know what they want. How did this kid go from Tubbo's minute man to something who makes regular deals with the devil? Ranboo had connections to Techno and Philza, now he is connected to Dream? Tubbo and felt pissed off and lonely. Ranboo only picks sides when someone asks him to. Where does his trust lie, because it's not with Tubbo anymore. Dream is the reason for everything, he is the reason for their downfall.

Although talking helped him, Tubbo couldn't help but yawn.

"You seem tired, come on. We have a guest room for you, I don't know if you want to stay in mine because-" Niki stopped when she felt a pull on her sweater. As she looked up, her eyes brought her to a kid, whose wide-eyed stare showed her what he truly wanted. He's been lonely, hadn't he? A young soldier who kept his heart on his sleeve, whose sword was his words. He was a child who's been tired of life for too long. Niki wanted to change that.

She smiled, "Fine," she drew out that word, "you can stay in my room." She pulled him into a hug and picked him up to carry him to her room.

Tubbo, strangely, had fallen asleep long before she was able to enter her room. She didn't mind though, she always loved taking care of her friends as they always took pride in caring for her. Her love for them never separated with age or with war, despite her worry of a new war bound to them. She understood her life was a battled field, but quiet moments in between didn't have to be. She spent her days doing nothing, that nothingness filled the emptiness that lurked before. Flowers meant nothing to a blind eye, but when given or received, it means the world.

As the young boy snored in her bed, she couldn't help but imagine Wilbur by her side. Playing the guitar as the boys fell asleep in a pile of themselves, he used to sing show tunes and the anthem. She never quite thought it fit right though. My L'Manberg had always felt off, perhaps it was because of the possessiveness and selfishness that was always inside him. Everyone was selfish during those days without realizing it. But nowadays, she knew why it felt off. Neither one of her friends, Tommy, Tubbo, or Niki, had wanted to rule L'Manberg. It was always Wilbur who plotted to be a president. They were fine with siding characters to a major plot, just as long as they were seen and heard. But that never happened for them, now the torch is on Tubbo. Now the pressure that Wilbur never got to feel was put into the hands of a 16-year-old boy. A child was in charge of everything. It was shameful really how everyone puts blind fate into Will and now they put their anger of Wilbur into the heads of a child. Niki wishes to never turn out that way.

She was happier now, being a nurse or a sister or just a friend. Life was peaceful, or as peaceful as it could be. Was this another calm before the storm? With what she was planning, she had hoped so. But right now a young president was sleeping soundly in her bed, snuggled up under her blankets. She watched over him like a mama bird to her children, life couldn't get any better than that.

And if she could hear his cries during his sleep, well, that was between her and his own nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, we are getting to the end of this story. Isn't this exciting?? Trust me, I will write fluff next chapter, there will be a ton of angst but fluff is among us!! Thank you for joining me on this ride lol
> 
> Twitter: celestiastarz  
> Tumblr: celestiastarz


	15. "Take my heart, pull it apart, And take my brain, or what remains"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tubbo realized what he wanted was in front of him all along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tried to finish this as soon as possible, Tubbo is becoming more stable by the minute I'd hope, hope you enjoy it :)
> 
> CW: mention of headaches, dysfunctional families/fighting, mention of (child) death, and existential thoughts

Family was a complex thing, which was something that was often left unsaid by the boy. He always considered a few people in his life to be apart of the small group of people he called friends, usually, they were people who cared for him the most. This was the main reason he was fine with calling Tommy a brother, he truly was like one. Their upbringings both lead them on the same path, the same road that led them back home. There he met more members of that family, Niki, Ranboo, Fundy, and Eret. They joined him in open hands, with their hearts brightly guiding him through the dark. But these days people have been throwing the term like a game of catch.

Dream referred to Tubbo as a brother. Schlatt referred to Tubbo as a person he had seen before. Ghostbur possibly knew his father. Philza disowned him as a son. These things meant something to them, but did they have any meaning to him? Brother, father, son; these terms were made to be set in stone and, clearly, they were not. Maybe it was due to his own ignorance that he never sought out the true meaning of what family is to him, or maybe it was kept away in a secret tabloid - either way, he had to come to terms with that meaning of the unity of families.

But every meaning seemed to lead to a different conclusion. No matter where he looked to felt like he was drowning further and further into the depths of depression. Family being primarily blood seemed to be false, at least for him personally. That meaning, for him, seemed as solid as water. But like water, it could either way, flowing peacefully into a direction craved into the dirt or ravish in rage. Rain could lead to a calming river or to a vicious sea; Tubbo was unable to see which way he wished for it to be. So he walked mindlessly throughout L'Manberg, it was all he had left of his control.

The winter was coming to an end, it felt like it's outlasted centuries. The world changed since he first became president, he thought as though maybe he was happier back then. He didn't have to exile Tommy - god, how he missed him - in a lifetime where he and his friends lived on L'Manberg's grounds in peace. Maybe these things were just bound to happen, besides it wasn't like he wasn't forced to do those things. There was no hope without pain; no glory without fail. A new era was near, Tubbo was unsure if he was ready for the snow to melt. As he stared into the emptiness of the sky, the stars hung brightly. Tubbo remembered stories about the constellations of them, it held no meaning to him without Techno explaining the stars to him. The stars made Tubbo feel so small, so powerless against the wind. In the grand scheme of things, he was merely a child, he was barely dust to the rest of the galaxy.

Ah, He had forgotten his own age, seventeen. He recently turned it, but he didn't really celebrate anything. What was there to celebrate? Everything he loved was lost, everyone he cared for was upset with him. It didn't matter what age he was or what year it is, it all ended the same way. At least, there was someone he could blame for placing so much pressure on him. For the first time, his feet moved with determination.

He strolled into the graveyard, he had to come to terms with what he wanted to release into the wind. He was ready to scream, cry, and maybe turn to dust if he was lucky. He wanted to be carried away by the wind, away from traitors and killers and all those who tried to hurt him.

However, before he could say anything, a voice startled him: "Hey kid-" 

Tubbo had jumped a little, as he turned to face the man before him. Glatt, or whatever he wanted to be called, seemed to hold himself as Ghostbur often did: slouched over and with a tired gleam in his eyes. Had he rested since he had died, Tubbo didn't want to know. He was filled with too much anger to care about what he was about to say, so he pushed the man's chest as hard as he could. Glatt caught himself before he fell fully backward, which shocked Tubbo a little - that and he didn't really know if his ghost force was solid enough to be moved - but Tubbo still managed to accuse him, "You knew my father, didn't you."

"Woah, what.. what do you mean?" He lifted his hands up, either in defeat or defense.

"Stop playing mind games with me," Tubbo fumed, "You had to have seen him, you told me you saw me as your final regrets. Surely, there had to be more to you than you lead onto. You have to have remembered more than just your stupid regrets if you had seen me!"

"Tubbo, I am telling you I don't," Glatt looked down at the horned boy, he was longing for words but was unable to find any, he blurted, "I-I, I think I knew you before."

"Yeah, I know that but-" Tubbo rolled his eyes.

"Tubbo, I am going to need to shut up for a second," Tubbo shut his mouth to which Glatt sighed, "Thank you. I have seen you in visions before, maybe they were nightmares, I can't quite remember that but I've seen you in a box before you died, I think you remember that too." he paused, his face filled with regret, "But I felt remorseful when I had seen that, I didn't understand why until... until... then it all just came back to me. I've met you before, you were apart of my life, and I knew why I was asked to return. I had something to finish, I need to finish something off."

Finish something off? Was that what he was doing right now?

"Wilbur has to finish off something too, right?" Tubbo asked, "Is this why he's still around?"

Glatt shrugged, as he stepped forward to Tubbo as the conversation shifted, "I doubt it, I mostly think he came back due to his ties to L'Manberg. The whole, unfinished symphony shit got to his head and instead, it created... him."

That was strange, he always assumed he was there for another reason, he was passionate about making the wrongs turn to rights. How was it that his regrets were what brought him back if dying was a memory he so clearly remembers?

"So, what do you have to finish off?" Tubbo tilted his head, he looked like a kid whose eyes glowed with a knack for learning.

Glatt looked at Tubbo's horns and back at him, "Do you remember what color your mother's eyes are?" He asked, almost randomly.

"Uh- no?" He raised an eyebrow, "I mean, she died before I got to meet her so, yeah no I don't."

Glatt leaned into Tubbo's space, "They were the same color as yours," Glatt brushed some of Tubbo's hair out of his eye, "except yours a bit darker than hers."

Tubbo blinked, "I don't follow."

Glatt laughed bitterly, as he looked down, "You're a hybrid, kid. Your... my kid."

What? What was he... was he suggesting that they were related? This had to be a joke. If so, what kind of fucked of prank was this? How will someone enter his life, only to torture him with family-related words? Perhaps that's why Ghostbur returned, did that mean Tommy would... no, no more talk of Tommy. Please, focus on belittling Schlatt. 

"No, the fuck I'm not." Tubbo's voice went through several octaves, "I never even KNEW you before I have to be your right-hand man, and even then I hated your guts." That was a bit of a lie, he had known of him through Wilbur years ago but he never truly seen him in action until his self-proclaimed kingship. Other than that, yes the rest was true.

Glatt bit his lip, he didn't want to shout but his patience was wearing thin, "Don't make this harder on me, Tubbo,"

"Did you do this to me?" Tubbo lifted his arms, waving them frantically, "You did this to me, didn't you?" He wanted to inflict pain onto him, didn't he? Yeah, that's what he was doing. He'd never be his real father, he wasn't real, to begin with now was he? A flash of a memory, a guest in his own mind. A father was a distant thing, but he never truly existed beyond the blood.

This was the start of a lot of yelling statements and confusing remarks, from Tubbo and Glatt respectfully. Neither wanted to break, too stubborn to back then. Showed they were more similar than Tubbo last thought. It made Tubbo question things more but he had to pretend they were just intrusive thoughts like it didn't matter what was in his own mind.

"Hell, why would I-" Glatt rubbed his temples, "Why would I do that? I don't even know how I could without-"

"Everything you say is a lie! You are a native-born liar!" It was true, Tubbo knew that man was a businessman after all. Lying was apart of their resume. 

"Tubbo, I wouldn't lie." Glatt's voice got louder, "Not about this, never about this."

"Is this just a joke?" Tubbo stepped away, his head pounded, "Is Dream just pulling a joke?"

"What?" Schlatt shook his head, as he backed away as best as he could, "No, why would I joke about this?"

"Haha, very funny, Dream!" Tubbo covered his ears, his eyes closed shut. He wouldn't believe it. He'd never believe it.

"You're my son!" Glatt shouted at the boy below, regret poured through his body at the small boy looked up away him with faint tears in his eyes, "There I said it, how many times do you need to hear it before you realize it's true!"

"Till my ears bleed so I never have to hear it again, you liar," Tubbo pulled his hair, he felt drained of anxious thoughts now or, he was simply repressing them at this point, "that's all you ever did, all you say is lies!"

"Tubbo, remember why you talk to Dream about family?" the older goat pressed him, "Why he is able to make you say things without thought?" Tubbo's mind came to a blank, "Why Ranboo's betrayal felt like nothing to you?"

How did he know that? Did Dream tell him? He probably did, Tubbo thought bitterly, he gets along with assholes most of the time.

"We are all connected, Tubbo." Glatt sounded almost like he had nothing left to lose, Tubbo thought he was insane, "Dream's connected to all of us since the dawn of time, I've actually spoken to him before I entered the overworld."

"I don't want to hear it." Tubbo wanted to turn away and leave him at once.

Glatt ignored that, "Dream planned it from the start, he was going to hurt all of you. Dream wanted to steal you, claim you as his own. Ranboo saved you from Dream's grasps, and without him, if the world went as he planned it, you'd be under his control. He was able to fight back the voices Dream gave to him and Ranboo allowed you to meet your father, Phil. Tommy did find you in a box though as he opened the door before Phil did, apparently. Dream doesn't care if I know this, he probably already knew I'd tell you this. So fair warning, no matter what happens - Dream is the reason for it."

Though that made sense, it didn't explain how Eret knew about the nickname. Or even, why Ranboo's betrayal felt empty compared to Techno's. Sure, one could say Techno was his brother and therefore more valuable, however, there was an arguable statement there. Did Techno stay by his side during his time during the Manberg reign? Did Techno protect Tubbo at all costs? Techno tried to kill him many times over. He was related to Tubbo: yes, and yet, compared to Ranboo, he meant nothing to him.

Tubbo scratched his cheek, "Wow. That... was a lot."

Glatt grinned, one that was too filled with teeth, "Sure is, but now I'm here. I'm here to make things right." He opened his arms out for a hug.

Wrongs to rights, like Ghostbur. Like the memory of his brother. It came flooding back, what he had said was what he never meant. He never asked for a brother but, in a way, he always longed for one. He enjoyed Techno's stories and Wilbur's songs and Tommy's rants and Philza's training. He loved their home-cooked meals and sword fighting and their make-believe and pretend. He loved watching the rain race each other on the windowsill, bet who can jump the highest on their bed, and marshmallows cooked by a fire outside their yard. He loved the idea of family. The execution, however, didn't go so great. His need to find a new meaning of family made him realize what it meant. 

It meant someone who can stand up for him even when they are afraid, it was someone willing to protect him no matter what, it was someone who took him in when he was ill or was lonely, and it was someone who he considered to be a friend. Family had no meaning because it wasn't something he was able to find, he had to create it. He had created it and Schlatt wasn't apart of it.

Tubbo wrapped his arms around him, it reminded him of Wilbur, "You did this to me then." Tubbo's voice was distant, almost like an echo from a save. His headache erupted again, he blamed the fact he didn't get a refill from Niki. His horns seemed to hurt more when he thought of Schlatt, (seriously, will those horns ever go away?), was this the reason why? Because he ruined him completely?

"Excuse me?" Glatt blinked in confusion.

"You... you tried to kill me." Tubbo's voice was louder, "On multiple events."

"That was before... before I knew." Glatt felt like he was stabbed through the heart like Wilbur.

"Ranboo never killed me, Niki never tried to kill me, Fundy hardly could if he dared, and Eret... is an exception but he protected me." He stared into the eyes of the dead ram (goat? he didn't know) that was above him, except now he felt like he was on top of the world, "You, on the other hand, mean nothing to me."

"Tubbo... I-" He was too late, Tubbo was ahead of him.

"Where were you when I was screaming out for someone to help me?" Tubbo screamed as tears welled up in his eyes, "Nowhere, nowhere! My own father tried to execute me!"

With no words left to be said, Tubbo left the graveyard in the blink of an eye. He left the one man who knew of his past to some degree in front of his own gravestone. Though he felt no pity for rejecting his request for change, he still couldn't help the pain on his head. Maybe he was crying, he couldn't bring himself to care. As he raced through the fields, his mind raced with unhelpful thoughts. How the world had failed him. How no one was on his side. The world that brought him into the light was losing him again to darkness.

All for what? Was it the attention he was seeking, power? Tommy always told him that he never wanted to be like Wilbur, but he started to think he was acting more like Schlatt. He wanted to build up the nation Wilbur had destroyed but, no matter what side he took, he's hurt people too. Tommy had been exiled, Eret labeled as nothing more than a traitor, Niki and Ranboo witnessed him hurting another, Fundy had seen his father die. They all cared for him in their own way. He traded them for liars. Was he ever any better than Schlatt was when he was alive?

"Hey Tubbo," a voice called out to him. Tubbo swung his head around, there he found Ranboo with his arms covered in flowers (were they called poppies? he'd have to check), "I didn't think you'd be nearby the fields!"

It was old wasn't it, the weather in this SMP never seemed to make sense to him. It was indeed winter, it was as apparent as the snow on the mountains, but in random areas, there were patches of grass and flowers. Maybe it had something to do with Dream, or.. no, there wasn't a way that was possible. Either way, Ranboo didn't seem to question so Tubbo didn't either. For now.

"I didn't think so either, but uh- something real shitty happened, so I prefer to be with someone than alone." Tubbo ran his hands through his hair, a nervous tick he picked up from Tommy.

"Ah, do you... do you mind telling?" Tubbo smiled at that: Ranboo, as meek as ever.

"Eh." Tubbo shrugged, as he tried to relax his face, "Maybe another day, not now though."

Ranboo nodded eagerly, "Of course! Of course!" Was everything he did just a bit or is he that dramatic, "Oh, I was wondering! Do you want to come to hang with me, Niki, Eret, and Fundy?" How he said it made it come off as a demand rather than a question, though it wasn't like Tubbo was going to decline anyway.

"Sure! I'd love to, it'd get my head out of this funk, I suppose." 

So he and Ranboo were on their way. Ranboo talked about how he loves collecting flowers, Tubbo begged for one to be placed in his hair. They joked and teased. It faded away. The world was light and airy. For once, Tubbo left himself float against the sea, the currents didn't scare him away. He didn't feel like a child chained to a purpose that was never meant to be his, but rather whatever freedom is. 

As he spotted the figures of Fundy, Eret, and Niki, only one raced to his side and bundled him up in a coat. 

"You cannot go out in the freezing cold, mister!" Niki wrapped her scarf around him, then she pointed a finger at Ranboo, "Neither can you, put on your coat."

She was really scary even when doting on people, but that was who she was. Constantly paying attention, she analyzed their stares: she had to in order to survive, Tubbo guessed. Maybe he should speak to her more, but then again he only visits her when he's sick so that cannot be his fault, right?

"Oh! Fundy and I have important news." Eret announced to the group, his voice caught their attention. What could it be? 

"Yes, we do!" Fundy sounded eager, but he allowed Eret to be the one to share it.

"Thanks to getting the legal documents in order" Eret's eyes brightened, "Fundy is finally my adopted son!"

The group cheered for the fantastic news. At least, Tubbo wanted to cheer but instead, they were pathetic and quiet. He couldn't be happy for one second. It's already been so long since the own ordeal between himself and his father, but it was getting harder and hard to patch things up. Blood wasn't something he considered to be important in a family, after his talk with Schlatt and Dream it really wasn't. Whenever he thought of blood, he never thought of it was his bloodline - thought it is what it meant literally. Rather, he was confined to his family: forced to live out a life that wasn't his. He wasn't like Tommy or Techno or Will, he wasn't made to be a warrior. His horns prove it. He was made to be a follower, to carry the weight of things on his back and continue as though nothing happened. He couldn't channel his fear and anger and sadness onto a sword-like them, he held his heart on his sleeve as it should be. 

In this world, war rules all power. Somehow, he lived but truthfully he wasn't alive. He was nothing more than a corpse beneath the ground. Worthless, useless, and unnamed. Good people cannot exist in this world, because no written proof of it has shown it to thrive. No one remembers good people until they succumb to nothingness. Even then, many only remember those who were willing to take control of their story. Was Tubbo ready to dip his quill into ink and start that first sentence? In a sense, he already has. But he wouldn't know that yet.

As he and Niki sat together on a log, they watched as Eret and Fundy created a fort. Ranboo looked at them, with eyes filled with bewilderment, Tubbo guessed he wasn't surrounded by water enough to know snow could be played with in that way - who knows honestly.

Fundy's tail wagged wildly, he really did seem like a child despite being older than Tubbo in... some years, it was unclear how that worked exactly. It reminded Tubbo of when he was much younger, too young to realize how sword-fighting could be considered a dangerous sport.

"You know," Tubbo found his voice he didn't know he'd lost, "I don't think I'm able to feel happy for Fundy and Eret."

"Huh," Niki spun her head around, "Why not?"

Tubbo looked down, that was a selfish thing to say, "How can I be happy when I feel so much love radiating from them? How can I be happy when my own father doesn't see me as a son? Am I just the screw-up?"

Niki thought for a moment, before she reached for his hand, "No, you're not a screw-up. We love you deeply, Tubbo."

"How deep is that love?"

"If you're wondering if I am genuine, well, I guess I will be more specific." She cleared her throat, "Ever since I joined Wilbur with the Dream SMP revolution, I've felt a general trust towards you two, Tubbo and Tommy ever the pair. But I couldn't help but feel strange about the election, I thought Will would be the one to win despite my own involvement. When I was taxed relentlessly, all I could ever think about was how awful you must've felt. One less diamond to me was nowhere near what you had to experience when you were with him. But I trusted you, no matter how angry I was or how loud I stood against them, I never doubted you for a second. Tubbo, you are a good person, you just struggle with accepting that truth."

Tubbo shouldn't have laughed at that, she gave his hands a gentle squeeze., "I suppose, Will was wrong then."

"Hm?"

"It was never his L'Manberg, it's just..." Tubbo paused for a moment, "L'Manberg." It was strange how that thought occurred to him. At first, he saw L'Manberg as a price to pay for freedom. A prize to be won after the blood washed away from his hands. It was a token of all the pain and anger that they endured through the years. Home was a place of war was what he grew up on, even if it wasn't what it was supposed to be. But now, being with Niki, he'd realize that those teachings were stupid.

Niki's eyes glimmered, "You just realized that?" She teased and bumped his shoulder, the air was playful. He felt warm, like the snow around him had melted away and the world turned to spring. Maybe, maybe this was what he was missing. He'd spent his entire life, or at least a bit of it, trying to search for a meaning or purpose to why he was given another chance at life, only to endure the taste of death time and time again. It wasn't for a disc, or a pet, or even a home: rather it was for the people who he cared for - it was to protect those who needed it most, even if they didn't know that at first. Sure, the protection he meant wasn't the protection he did (he fought adults for gods' sake) but it meant something more than a music disc.

Because people like Niki were not selfish to force attachment onto something easily broken, stolen, or ignored. She wasn't a shell of glass, not to be touched and easy to break. She was a warrior, a hero, a person Tubbo aspired to be. Even when she didn't have to, he cared for him - even when he had little care for himself. He wanted to care, he was ready for it now. He was safe.

"What's on your mind?" Niki's hands left Tubbo's long ago, but their ghost was still there.

"I feel scared," Tubbo admitted, but he turned to face her, "But it's okay because you're here." You're here and the world is quiet.

Niki smiled but for some reason, Tubbo could tell it was for a different reason. After some time, the trio had asked the pair to join them in a snowball fight, what was Tubbo suppose to do but accept the challenge? As Niki and Fundy threw balls of snow at a tall ender boy and his goat friend with Eret there to make sure neither side truly got hurt, Tubbo felt nothing but at peace with them all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully, this isn't too long or anything. I wanted to show that even though this is a Dadschlatt au, it wasn't going to be an exactly happy revelation :^( I hope you all still enjoy this because we are nearing the end of the story, try to keep an eye out for certain things in this story,,, never know when it'll show up again :3
> 
> Twitter: celestiastarz  
> Tumblr: celestiastarz


	16. "When bodies of years, Were breaking from all of the weight, Of diary pages"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tubbo is ready to let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another fun chapter, pog :)
> 
> Thank you all for the hits + kudos! Means a whole lot :D <3
> 
> CW: Mentions of explosions, swearing (it's Tubbo), mention of blood/violence, anything untagged here are in the tags

He didn't realize how much fun he'd be having living in an empty castle with only his friends by his side, yet here Tubbo was: building pillow forts with Ranboo and Niki.

"Niki, throw me that cushion!" Ranboo reached his hand out as she tossed the pillow into his hands, "Thank you! Okay, here go Tubbo, to add the flooring of our super-duper-amazing tent base." Both he and Tubbo were on their knees, building a tent that held itself in front of them.

"That's the name?" Tubbo gave him a look, to which Ranboo laughed at ("Hey, you came up with it not me!"), "Oh well whatever, it's finished. Whatca think, Niki? Feeling scared yet." He turned to her, she was seated nearby to inspect them.

The tent was basically inhabitable, the blanket kept falling in the middle due to the cushion falling over every few seconds and the only comfortable space would be the flooring that was at the foot of the couch. Let's just say, if this was real, they'd be freezing in minutes.

"Oh yeah, super scared. What do you guys have at your base?" Niki teased, but indulged in their antics: it was made her really fun to mess around with.

They had shared a unique, sibling-like bond together. Ranboo was just as imaginative as Tubbo and Niki had shared Tubbo's love for smartass comments. It was nice just being able to feel like a kid again.

"Nukes!" Tubbo raved on about how they are able to get them to craft and ship into their base, it caused both Ranboo and Niki to burst out laughing.

Something about the world felt comfortable. Usually, when Tubbo was in an environment so relaxed he couldn't help but feel anxious about it. Before there's a storm, there's a quiet that lurks before it. His mind would race to a billion possible endings, to the point he wasn't able to see the true presence of it. However, with them, he felt like nothing would hurt him. He was happy before anything else.

It was what he lacked in his previous home: he was not a vessel for everyone's problems anymore. He wasn't a president, now he's just Tubbo.

"Hey guys, what are y-" Eret came in with bed-ridden hair, as though he just woke up, he noticed the tent and smiled, "ah, apologizes, I didn't know you guys were playing around."

"We are scheming, thank you very much." Ranboo, now seated on the floor with his legs crossed, replied back. Niki cracked a smile and Tubbo giggled.

Eret waved them off, "Alright, alright. If you need me, I'll be in the kitchen."

"Lemme come with," Niki got up from the loveseat, "Lord knows you can't cook a meal without burning the first one hundred batches."

Tubbo and Ranboo laughed at her jab at Eret and then continued their work on their new tent.

"Do you think we'll stay like this forever?" Tubbo asked, jokingly, but Ranboo's face dropped slightly.

"Oh.. you know," Ranboo's head tilted slowly, his eyes focused on his hands, "things change, you know?"

Tubbo frowned, "Wh-what do you mea-"

"Hey! Ran, Tubs!" A voice called out to them, it was most likely Niki's though, "Pancakes or waffles?"

Tubbo and Ranboo replied at the same time ("Pancakes!" "Waffles!"), they looked at each other with unblinking stares. Niki mumbled something about making both and disappeared, leaving Ranboo and Tubbo in yet another uncomfortable interaction.

"What do you mean by that?" Tubbo pressed again, "You guys didn't... plan anything... like that, did you?"

Ranboo looked confused until the realization hit, "Oh no, nothing bad," Ranboo assured, but Tubbo didn't believe him. Still, he didn't enjoy seeing Ranboo regress into memory loss.

As four very dreadful minutes pass, Niki called them to breakfast. They headed straight into the dining room, with Tubbo and Ranboo being seated in front of Niki and Eret at the table. Tubbo retrieved the pancakes, while Ranboo retrieved the waffles. Both worshipped the treat by spreading butter, putting a dash of whipped cream, and engulfing it with fruits alike. If one of them made a remark about the other choice in breakfast foods, who's to say they were wrong.

They all ate their food happily, easy to identify that it was Niki's creations to the fact that none of the sides were burnt. They all talked about what they dreamed about or what they wanted to do later that day, some even filled the room with lighthearted jokes. The air was calm as ever, which turned out to be a red herring of sorts. While Tubbo shoved bits of pancakes down his throat, Niki had spoken up.

Her utensils fell on her plate, "Tubbo, we all wanted to tell you something." Niki's voice softened from the jokes, "It's fairly important for you to know."

"Hm?" Tubbo hummed, mouth still full of pancakes.

"We... we are planning on leaving L'Manberg." Her voice was low, but oh so clear in his mind.

What.

"It's what's best for all of us," Eret interjected, his eyes glowed bright even through his glasses, "Fundy even agreed to leave with us."

Yeah, well Fundy is a bit of a coward, isn't he? Leaving his own home before he got to say goodbye to Tubbo. His own friend, his own-

Did he even get to say goodbye to his own dad before he left? Maybe, maybe Tubbo was selfish.

"I-I don't know what to say," Tubbo looked at his half-eaten pancakes, "will you be gone forever?"

"That's the thing," Ranboo added (even Ranboo's leaving? Damn.), "L'Manberg wasn't really my home, neither was it for Niki or Eret, we all just... lived here. Fundy's coming cause of his dad, you know? Home is where the heart is and all that."

But his heart belonged to L'Manberg, his home. He fought so strongly and hard for it. But again, could he consider that place home? His home, that was crushed so easily, why was he begging to grasp at it one last time. Like the wind that sailed across the sky. He can get a hand on Ranboo and Niki. They could be captured in just a grasp of a hand to be seen as beautiful. Fundy and Eret. They'd been there with him since the start of this country. Maybe. Maybe.

"Tubbo, we just have one big question for you," Niki's voice cracked slightly, she sounded hurt. Why was she hurt? She didn't do anything wrong, he didn't say anything to hurt her. Could she read his mind? Was his face enough to give it all away? Maybe he was just that predictable. Phil had said he wasn't sure of the emotions he had felt like he was all over the place. Like he was wild. That night, when he attacked, maybe he was just that: a beast that must be locked away. But when Niki placed her hand on his, he knew there was more to it. Jealousy, he was jealous. Jealous of Fundy and Eret's love, how much he had loved Fundy. Was his wish of being treated as equal, as Phil treated Fundy as though he was worth more than his own son - as he told him he was no longer apart of his family, even after he learned what Techno had done?

Life was filled with many surprises that Tubbo could never understand, but he knew one thing about his family that wasn't like his new one: Philza only cared for him in a way a teacher cared for a student. He wanted him to grow and improve but that was about it. His love derived from the need for perfection, he wants to seek the best of the best. He never realized how hard that got to him, how much he believed in that mentality. It made him trust an enemy, made him trust a villain.

"We want you to join us on this adventure."

If Tubbo wasn't on his meds, he would've thought he blacked out again. The world went quiet, so he was unable to hear the words that came out of his mouth. However, based on Niki's curl of her lips, Eret flash of white light, and Ranboo's chuckle: he knew he answered right. 

While Tubbo was packing up his things to leave, he had snuck into Phil's house. He was off house arrest and apparently took everything with him, he was nowhere to be seen anymore, which was a relief for Tubbo. He didn't want him anywhere near him. All of his things and clutter were gone, a blessing to all know thieves of the craft (not that Tubbo would know or anything, he didn't steal too sneakily all too often.) During his search, he checked the chest, already he knew what he wanted. A picture that Ghostbur dropped on him for some reason. He wasn't even sure why he had it in the first place, but oh well.

He dug out all of the useless things in search of the important thing. When he spotted the book at the bottom, a smile appeared on his face. However, as he brought it closer in eye view, he could tell it was slightly different.

It was now a book titled "I'm sorry". As Tubbo opened it, that very same photo fluttered to the floor. Their faces, bright as the sun, and their swords, as cold as ice. He grabbed the photo and hid it in his pockets. Tubbo proceeded to read the pages, soaking in each and every brushstroke.

_'I realized that my actions speak louder than words years and years ago, but now I have crossed the line of no return. My love, which I've had for all my children, was being reinterpreted into something I never meant for it to be. Emotions were never things that consumed me, I have thought I was above such things. But I have been playing a fool: the guilt, the anger, and the sadness were all real but I neglected them in favor of something more._

_Bloodshed. All I longed for was my enemies to fall as my loved ones return to me, time and time again. I am beyond my years, sometimes I wished I was centuries more. Maybe I would be able to enter a timeline where I could stop myself from thinking such foolish things. But, it's too late, I am here now and I believe I have failed my own children._

_My teachings were not ones with good endings, no hero ever had a good thing happen to them I have come to learn. For my children: I have passed down the things I wish to forget about. I am afraid I've taught my children how to carry a sword before they've learned to cry. I worry for their own sanity, thankfully Tubbo isn't long gone. He's shown a particular distaste for me, I must admit, but is he foolish enough to carry such heavy feelings at such a young age? To question his own sanity at age, what? 17. He will return, I do not care if it's to me or someone else. If this world is what it says to be, that letter was more real than anything I'd ever write with my own hand._

_Maybe, maybe._

_If Tubbo were to find this, would he care? It doesn't matter now does it,. He'll never listen to me about anything again. Maybe it was my own ignorance that tricked me, I cannot deny he's been through more than I've ever seen before. At least from my own son._

_Can I ever call him that, a son? He's nearly killed me, nearly killed others and his brother. Has he earned the title of a son again?_

_I should really apologize for what I had said, I began to deflect in my own damn journal. Of course, he's earned that title, but have you earned that title of his father?'_

The ink begins to cut off, it was eligible, or at least Tubbo was unsure what to make of it. Was this dedicated to someone? Well, that was a lie - he did know. He felt guilt in knowing it was made for him. But was this an apology he must forgive? He didn't forgive him one bit, in fact, but he worried that maybe it'll disappoint his father more.

Father? Back with the familial terms again! He didn't have a father, he was sent to Hell literally, but he longed to impress someone who was closest to a father figure he could get. He knew Phil, in some sense, loved all his children. But was that he was good at? Plain love didn't get Tubbo anywhere, Phil even admitted that he was never in tune with his emotions. But somehow, Tubbo wanted him to feel bad for making him the way he is now: emotional but strained. Forced to carry the burden of others. Was it revenge he was seeking? Perhaps, if that was the case then he was no better than say, Wilbur or Tommy. Even then they got more attention than him.

Attention, all fighting for dad's attention. Ah, so Tubbo now understands. Jealousy was what caused everything, wasn't it? Wilbur was jealous of Techno, then he built L'Manberg. Quackity was jealous of Schlatt, then he built the Butcher Army. Dream was jealous of them all, then he began a war that lasted years. All they did was run away. Techno, Dream (where did he even live?), Schlatt. Dead to him was all he knew. But all he wanted was for these decades of trauma to leave him forever. Running away made people weak but if that was the case, what was Niki to him? She wasn't weak at all for joining Pogtopia. Gods, he was happy to be free but at what costs? What did this even make him if he believed running away was no way to answer this.

Well, there was one runaway he could ask. But did he want to entertain that? He did bring up Dream being God or whatever far too often for Tubbo's comfort, but he was all he had left of any substance to his question. Fine, just for the question though, he didn't want to speak to him about anything else.

He headed to the graveyard, hopefully, for the last time.

This time, when Glatt appeared (confused as always), he knew what to ask right away: "What'd you visit me?"

"H-Huh?" Glatt's eyes widened, though he wasn't too sure since they weren't human.

"You... knocked over shit in Eret's castle? I screamed and shit," Tubbo shook his head, "just tell me why you came that day."

Glatt blinked, he searched for the right words, "I dunno, kid. I barely remember what I ate last week- or rather year, I guess."

"Bull-shit!" Tubbo pointed at him, putting emphasis on each word, "You remember me, you saw shit in Hell too. You have no excuses to forget."

"Regrets, kid, I only remember regrets. Everything else doesn't mean anything," Glatt ran a hand through his hair again, "Like how Ghostbur remembered the shit that makes him all happy-go-lucky, I remember the shit my other half put you guys through."

He needed an answer to his question, "So- you visited because...?"

"I missed you?" Glatt groaned, "What can't miss what I couldn't have?"

"You can't miss what you tried to murder in a fucking box." To which he didn't miss at all, might he add.

Glatt said nothing, which pissed Tubbo off. It's funny though, if he said anything, Tubbo would've screamed. But now that he was silent, Tubbo felt his insides bubble.

"Whatever, piss off, I won't be seeing you ever again anyways." Tubbo walked away from the scene, he didn't want to face Schlatt, Glatt, or whatever ever again. But Glatt had different plans because he was following him like a damn creep.

"Tubbo, wait! I just...I-" Glatt ran a hand through his hair again, then made direct eye contact with his kid, "I know I was a shit dad, I wish I could change that but I think I'm sixteen years too late, you've already made up your mind."

"You're right," Tubbo looked away, not willing to even glare at that man, "I have."

"But, may I apologize," Glatt shoved his hands into his pockets, "just this once."

"Sure," Tubbo crossed his arms over his chest, "but I am not forgiving you."

"That's okay," Glatt shallower an inhale, "I'm sorry for- for everything, when I first saw you, in your mother's arms, I promised myself I'd take care of you. When she told me your eyes matched hers, I couldn't help but cry. Everything I've done, I wanted them to be for you. But she died, and I broke that promise to myself. I felt like I was spiraling out of control, but you always stabilized me - you helped me more than you'll ever know. I couldn't bring myself to drag you down with me. So seeing you again, I felt rage in knowing you were happier without me. Hot, bloody rage."

It was more than just rage, Tubbo knew that it was more than that. It was selfishness, the want of having all the attention of another onto him. In a way, Tubbo came to understand what that meant. That scared him.

"And I know you still won't forgive me, and that's okay, but at least take this." Glatt placed something into Tubbo's hand, "Please, hold onto it."

"What is this?" Tubbo looked at it, cautiously, it could be dangerous for all he knew.

Glatt's ear wiggled as he smiled fondly, "An heirloom, it was your mother's before she died."

It was a golden earring, Tubbo thought as he examined it, seemed to be worth more than the suit Tubbo still wore to this day.

Glatt moved forward, but when Tubbo stepped back, he frowned: "Hey, kid, I know you're anxious but I just wanted to check something."

Tubbo, hesitantly, moved towards the man who then checked his ears. He muttered sadly about his human-like ears, which was a little weird (I mean, he himself didn't understand how this whole goat thing worked so maybe he shouldn't judge), and he went to put the earring into his ear.

"Wait-! My ears aren't-" Tubbo tried to warn, but somehow...

"There we go." Glatt smiled warmly, "Uh- you can... you can take it out if you want, I just-"

Tubbo went to touch his ear, was it.. pierced this whole time?

"How did you..."

Glatt laughed, "We got your ear pierced when you were a baby, you'd have to do it again.. soon, but it's not that difficult of a procedure to do. Maybe ask Niki to do it, she seems to have steady hands. Uh- since this is the last time I'll be seeing you, is... a goodbye too much?"

"No, I'm not ready to go yet." Tubbo reached into his pocket, he pulled out a green earring. He gestured for Glatt to come forward, when he did, he inserted the earring into an open hole on his goat-like ears.

"Ow, ow, lemme.." he took Tubbo's hand and helped him clasp it, "there you go. Jesus, you almost kill me," He joked, he touched the danging jewel, "what's the meaning of this?"

"It's a friendship emerald," Tubbo explained, "someone close to me gave me one, so I thought you'd like it more than me."

Glatt's eyes flickered when he came to understand what Tubbo had meant with that gesture but he didn't say anything more. So Tubbo never had to explain.

"Thanks, kid, see you around." Glatt waved, when Tubbo said his goodbyes, he too disappeared. He left him alone with his thoughts.

This didn't mean forgiveness or anything, he wasn't quite capable of doing that yet. Maybe if he had a time machine or something, but unless space travel advanced far more than Tubbo could imagine, that option has yet to come. But hopefully, it meant something to the other fellow, some closure at the very least for the both of them. Truthfully, that was all they needed, something to latch onto to help them carry on from the past. To lighten the load of the dark truth behind the curtains.

As Tubbo walked away from the graveyard, the thought of returning to L'Manberg entered his mind. Just once or twice for a revisit or memory but he ended up going there for only one reason: Phil's house.

Empty. Cold. Dark. Just as he left it whenever he was around. Maybe if he was slightly different, or behaved a bit more sweet then maybe he and Tubbo could have a better life together. Whenever he thought of good times, he thought of his childhood home. Filled with warmth and joy, sweet naivety mixed with painful realizations. Maybe if he spoke more through the letters with him. Maybe if he trained more with Tommy. Or sang more with Wilbur. But those realities wouldn't have changed what happened. They were silly, what-ifs. None of it would change something as big as the future.

If that was the case, L'Manberg wouldn't be considered anew. No, it'd just be home. But all its heart has been destroyed, shattered over and over. It waited painfully for it to happen again. Lord knows how much people love their explosions. L'Manberg was now just a prize, a gift. Nothing but a shell of freedom, never the core. Phil's heart was painted gold. Maybe the inside of it was worth more or less, not that Tubbo had the guts to ever find out. He'll never be able to find out now, he thought bitterly. But he wanted peace. He wanted to be with his friends more than anything. Time doesn't just stop when you feel lost and confused, it continues. Never speeds or falters. Time is consistent, time is inevitable. 

He reached for the chest, now empty due to Tubbo's packing. Everything he's worked for was now sealed away in Christmas wrapping paper, all he's ever wanted was those who dropped those gifts from above. Even when he felt lost, at least he had a few people to show him the right way to go. Now, he was ready. He dropped one item inside, before leaving it there to dust. Ready to move on from his past.

"Your Tommy" lied inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We stan trying to write a fic under pressured /j 
> 
> Thanks to everyone reading this fic :) I love you all very much <3
> 
> Twitter: celestiastarz  
> Tumblr: celestiastarz


	17. "Just close the door and shut the blinds, I'll come out right on the other side"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tubbo is finally free at last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooo! Final chapter pog!! No time to talk now!!! Hope you all enjoy!! :D
> 
> CW: Mentions of bad childhood memories, anxiety mention, child death implications, rest of the CWs are in tags

When Eret first joined the revolution, he knew he was a trustworthy guy. Up until the whole "never meant to be" ordeal then he became a well-known traitor. But Tubbo forgave him like everyone else eventually did. Even then, being around him wasn't a very normal occurrence. He was friendly but private about his whereabouts. Too busy in the mines or whatever, or maybe too busy fighting. Still, for Fundy, Niki, and Ranboo to be so close to him was unheard of. When he invited himself into Eret's life, Tubbo thought it only meant newfound friendships and whatnot.

Tubbo could have never imagined it came to this.

Eret was now pushing the boat, along with Niki's help, into the water and stocking it with all their things and supplies. Ranboo pitched in too, as he was so tall anyways that his help was enough for the rest of them. Fundy and Tubbo were just bystanders. Tubbo sat alone on the docks, he kicked his feet against the wood and played with his hands. Tubbo was worried, as per usual, but it wasn't common anxiety. Unlike other times, he wasn't worried about anything at all but rather everything all at once. He didn't even tell his father he read his journal or his brother that he was sorry. Hell, they didn't have enough time to give Tommy a proper funeral. Loss of closure was on his mind. Though he didn't want his face to reflect that, he didn't want this moment to be sad. He didn't want his mind to betray his face. He must've had it written all over his face since Fundy was the first one to speak up.

"Hey, nice earring," Fundy commented, simply as he sat next to Tubbo on the edge.

"Oh, uh- thanks?" Tubbo didn't mean for it to sound so questioning. It just felt like it came out of nowhere. He touched his ear, self-conscious all of a sudden.

The silence was deafening, he assumed he wanted something out of this. He could never trust when Fundy was the one starting the conversation. But he trusted them with his emotions, knowing his heart was never the one they'd mess with. He glanced over Fundy, messing with his own jewelry, perhaps he got it from Eret. He made a mental note of that. This environment was so unnatural to Tubbo. He really did need to go out more. It was too damn quiet around here, the leaves on trees could be heard from a mile away. God, why isn't he saying anything? He had to say something, or else it'd just be weird. He didn't want that, not in his new home at least.

Well, it was now or never. He took a deep breath, “Am I just a fool for wanting to run away with you guys all of a sudden?” Tubbo asked as he picked at the loose wood on the docks.

He was concerned that maybe this wasn't the right choice. Running away, did it ever solve anything? All he's ever done was run. Tubbo, a boy who's able to outrun beasts of nature and lurked in empty train carts with his best friend by his side, was scared of being seen as nothing more than a runaway. How horrible was that?

“Well, we are all fools then.” Fundy replied as he turned to the boy.

Tubbo looked over at him and felt himself shrink, “There’s still so much I want to do, you know.” Tubbo sighed, hunched over as he ran a hand through his hair, “I want to fix all the things I've done, heal from all the things others said."

Fundy’s ears lowered as he spoke to the boy, “Hey, take it from me, you can’t erase ever that feeling. There will always be things you want to take back or things you want to bring forward. Now, that’s all in the past now. I wanted to do more with my mom and dad, but it’s too late for that. I don't even think I could forgive the guy if he were to return. But it’s not too late to make new memories with people. You should look forward to that. Who knows what you could miss out on life and it's all because you chose to worry about what happened seconds, minutes, hours ago, instead of what is happening right now.”

Tubbo knows he’s right. But he can't help but be scared of it. Letting go of the past was more than just worrying for the future, he didn't want to make the same mistakes he had before. He doesn't want a repeat of what he had done all those years ago.

"I just fear I am an enemy in someone else's story you know." Tubbo needed to let go of the pressure in his chest, or else it'll eat him alive.

“Tubbo, there is no hero or villain." Niki's voice was floated as gently as a feather, "There are only people: those who love each other or those who hurt each other, or even those who hate each other. We are all in the same. We cannot cheer for a hero while they are hurting someone and then yell at a villain when they hurt someone too. And of course, there are exceptions to this rule but you haven't crossed that line yet."

"Besides, you're not responsible for how others choose to perceive you," Ranboo added as he lunged a big bag onto the ship, he recognized it as Fundy's, "you don't have to save face for their comfort either."

"Exactly!" Niki nodded in agreement, "We all have reasons for what we do, we know you do too. So we don't take it personally if you regret doing this all of a sudden.”

"Regret? Wait, I thought this was about the past, regret?" Fundy swung his head from Niki to Tubbo, “I sure hope this isn’t you running away from your problems, Tubbo," Fundy blurted, Niki flashed daggers in the back of Fundy's head - not that it was visible to him anyways, he was too busy giving Tubbo a wide-eyed stare.

Tubbo moved backward and lifted his hands up in defense, “I want to stay with you guys. I swear," Tubbo then placed a hand to his heart, "I am not running away from anything, not even my past. I truly just want to be with you guys."

That was the truth.

"Good." Niki smiled at that before she disappeared into the ship to help Ranboo put their bags into storage.

The ship, for what it's worth, was quite big. With what appeared to be a watchtower on top, there was plentiful room on deck. Though, Tubbo was unsure of the lack of a sail, don't most boats have one or, at the very least, an oar. Techno used to read him and Tommy stories of pirates who travel the seven seas for their lust for treasure and their need for bloodshed. All he ever imagined were those stories he described in grand detail that should most likely spark concern for their father as it was being heard by literal children. However, when brought up, Eret claimed that he and Sam worked on the ship so it could run without the need for a sail, which caused Tubbo to become wildly excited by this new advancement. Anything Sam builds was bound to be great, it was just very in character for him.

Ranboo and Niki emerged and told Fundy and Tubbo that the ship was ready to be boarded. Tubbo jumped up while Fundy got up on his feet rather slowly. Ranboo gestured towards the plank that connected them to the inside of the ship, usually where the cabins were he assumed. Tubbo was the first one inside, the entrance leads him down a hallway. The wood the ship was craved from appeared to be a mix of dark oak and spruce, everything from the floor to the windows was polished from head to toe. The whole interior filled him with amazement.

"You haven't seen anything yet!" Ranboo pushed past him, towards the end of the hallway. His voice echoed across the halls, which caused Tubbo to chase after him.

As he raced after his taller friend, he noticed what he had meant by that. They were now at the bow of the ship, they slipped in a grand view of the ocean in front of them. The very same that bore witness to the last sight of Sally. The same one that engulfed his best friend and brother. Now, it'll guide them to their new home. A forever home, hopefully far away from here. Anywhere but here.

Ranboo watched the sun setting from the horizon, Tubbo covered his vision slightly. His hand turned a lovely shade of pink due to the rays from above. Ranboo probably made a comment on his height, which he ignored.

"Alright guys, go to your rooms," Eret pointed to the hallway, "you guys need sleep, let the adults do the work."

"Do we have to?" Fundy complained, who was sitting across from the two boys.

They all laughed, it was a nice moment. Maybe Tubbo would look back on it, hours from now, and still remember the first time he felt safe after months of feeling alone.

He entered his room, it was nothing special. A bed and desk, a few shelves here and there but nothing else. He knew he had more things in his storage anyways, it wasn't like he was living there like a sailor or something. He was content with just sleeping the night away for this once. As he changed out of his old president clothes and into PJ's, he snuggled under the covers. It was warm like the fresh cookies he would get from Niki, like his brother's laugh, like Fundy's hugs, like Ranboo's voice, like Eret's words. Everything came back to them.

That was the first time he was able to dream.

He awake to a terrible sound, like an explosion ripped through the universe. As he got out of bed, he felt himself tremble. It reminded him too much of before. The uncertainty of his life, the cries, and shouts as his eyes went to black, and his laugh - god, his laugh was ingrained into his head like a knife to his heart. But he was okay because Eret ran into his room and asked him if he was okay. He didn't even cry, hell, he didn't even faint. He was okay.

"Hey, hey." Eret's voice soothed him, "We are home, are you ready to go?"

Here, as in...

"Yes, let me-" he gestured to his clothes that he left on the floor the night before, was he really that messy?

"No worries, go ahead now. I can get your stuff later, look at our new place first."

Tubbo's eyes light up at that and he followed Eret's advice. A new place.

He ran outside to see both Niki and Fundy dressed out of their old attire, into a beach-like outfit. Niki, who now wore a long peach skirt and a white, frilly top, and Fundy, whose jacket was wrapped around his waist as he wore black shorts, were both sitting at the foot of the steps of their new home. When they both noticed Tubbo, they waved at him to join them.

Tubbo hurried to them, "Hey, go change out, Ranboo should be inside." Niki pointed at the door, to which the boy nodded and pushed past them. If Tubbo didn't get a look at the outside of the house, at least now he got a good inside of it. It was humble, which made sense for the size of the environment they have to work with, but it wasn't crowded by any means. Just the right size for himself and his fellow six-foot friend. Ranboo was now without his blazer, his sleeves rolled up and tie was who knows where, but it didn't matter because he was looking up at the ceiling. He was so caught up in his observation that when Tubbo went to say hi, he jumped slightly. "God, Tubbo, you scared me half to death!" "Good thing you're only half-Enderman." Ranboo placed a hand on his face, muttered "Have no clue what that means" before he looked at his goat friend and asked: "Huh, so what do you think of our new crib?"

"It's nice, maybe homely. Much less quiet than the big empty castle we lived in. It's unlike any home I've been in before, it's brand new and all." Tubbo noticed the little things of this house, from how the entrance it was clear there was an area where a glass door was visible to the backyard or how the kitchen had an area where they could invest in building stools. Hell, he was so excited about what could be seen by the entrance that he is forgotten they all had rooms attached as well.

"Definitely what I was thinking," Ranboo chuckled, "great minds think alike."

"Huh, who is the other mind?" Tubbo teased, as he leaned into Ranboo's space.

Ranboo flashed jazz hands, "Obviously me and my other half!" Tubbo was glad Ranboo was comfortable enough to share jokes like that. He was excited to see himself warm up to him even more.

Although they were joking moments before, Ranboo's face quickly softened as he looked in the distance of their new home.

"It's our home now." He said to no one in particular, but Tubbo liked to believe this was towards him.

Our new home.

As time went on, the group discussed would which rooms belong to who, as they needed at least two people to share. Ranboo and Tubbo agreed on sharing while Eret, Fundy, and Niki preferred living in separate rooms. They pulled their stuff out of the ship and into their rooms, all were too lazy to take it out of the bag and place it in their respective spot. Besides, wasn't like they had chests yet. They just moved in!

They all decided at some point for a well-meaning break. They did live next to the beach, it only made sense. Eret wore a very pretty flower crown, a yellow tank-top, and a yellow skirt (borrowed from Niki's collection so they can match), Tubbo wore a white top with a dinosaur on front and light blue shorts, and Ranboo put on his best dad shirt and jeans. Fundy threw down a blanket and Niki prepared some snacks for the picnic, let's just say relaxing came first and chaos happened later. At some point, Fundy was completely drenched in water which made his tail and ears stick out all funny.

Ranboo and Tubbo had a sandcastle war which, when Fundy joined in, was a competition between who could destroy the most on the other's side while keeping their castle up for the longest. Niki timed it and Eret was the judge, which made him unable to decide a winner so he declared them both to be winners, with Fungi's Mansion won for its creativity and the name alone while Tub+Ran's Castle won for its actual stability.

At the end of the break, Tubbo was allowed another moment of silence. Everyone but himself was asleep on the blanket, Fundy and Eret leaned on each other, with Niki's legs outstretched on their legs and her head was near Ranboo's lap. Ranboo was asleep to but his posture and the way his eyes stayed open made him believe otherwise, it was his snores that made Tubbo recognize that position for what he considered to be normal sleep. Odd, but whatever.

All alone with nothing but the waves to keep him company. Waves that travel miles to greet him in his new home, how sweet of them to hurry to him. His boat that was tied to the docks he assumed Eret built, quite honestly he assumed Eret built all of this, was carried on these very same waves. He thought back to the stories Techno had told him as a young child. Back the letters travelers would send across seas. Letters in bottles for travelers far away. Foolishly, he thought of Phil writing a letter laced with gold for the young boy. He knew better than to allow him to drift into his mind. He, who was a million miles away, was no longer someone he came to trust nor someone he wanted to praise or worship. Tubbo knew better than that, he was better than that. A family was something to be built, not man-made in stone.

Then he thinks to Tommy, he had drowned in these waves by his own admission. What if he washed up on shore? No, no he saw it. He was gone, too far gone. Alone, like Tubbo tonight. But unlike him, Tubbo was surrounded by the people he came to love. Those whose love was returned to him so kindly. He was loved, had Tommy died feeling unloved? As his own thoughts betrayed him, he remembered what Niki and Ranboo said. You were in control of your narrative. You guide how you wish to be seen. He wasn't Schlatt's child or Phil's son, he was not Wilbur's of Techno's brother. He wasn't L'Manberg's third President. He was Tubbo, that was all he needed to be. He cares for Tommy, that was all he needed to be.

Even if Tommy never saw him in the same light that Tubbo did, at the very least he saw him like Wilbur, like a brother. Tommy was so much more than what everyone thought of him to be: an impulsive child with zero common sense. No, he was more than that and Tubbo knew it. He was never selfish, in fact, he gave up more than Tubbo could ever imagine. He made several sacrifices to protect L'Manberg, one too many times for a child to do. He was, as childish as it may sound, a hero.

Niki slurred in her sleep, Tubbo wondered how long it has been since they have fallen asleep.

Tubbo stood up, as he walked towards the sea. The ocean, as unpredictable as it is, was so utterly beautiful. The waves crash, carry, lead, and fall. They are no better than himself. However, they do not carry whether you hate them or love them. Instead, all they ever do is exist. All Tubbo wanted to do was be able to exist without care or worry in the world. But he can't, because caring for people was what made life better to exist in. Without it, love would mean nothing. Although, if he never loved he would never lose - it was better to gain and lose than to never gain again. But he is happy no matter the cost of his love. Because he knows, deep down, love is what carried him here. There was no place he'd rather be than here. He turned back to the group, who was huddled together for warmth. He knew he had to walk them up at some point, he sighed. Their environment was filled with unknowns, despite being so far from others. Who knows what crabs will try to hurt Fundy! He'll complain for days.

As he looked at the moon that hung from the purple sky, he turned back the group. Quiet, everything was quiet. Not a deafening quiet or unnerving quiet, rather there was a softness to it. Like a cat snoring or light breathing. Tubbo now knew he didn't want anyone to take this away. Not his thoughts, or past, or anything. All he did was for this moment of peace. Worry had escaped him, no one would come to hunt them down. He knew that, though their location may seem lonely, he had a new family that didn’t need the pain to show their love. He walked over to his family, to wake them up from their loving dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, that was a lot of fun. This story means a lot to me so I am so happy that I was able to share this to the world, all the support, kudos, comments, etc means a lot even if I am not able to reply sometimes. Although this was meant to be a bit of a vent, I am glad you all stuck along for the ride nonetheless. However, I still feel as though this story isn't yet completed. I was unable to use all of my ideas that I had previously for this story, trust me I did have a lot planned. So I decided that, instead of continuing Tubbo's story, I were to begin another's. The next chapter will not be an "official" chapter for this story but rather an introduction to another I have planned. That chapter will be up in a few hours, so I hope you stick around for that. I love you all, thank you for the constant support <3
> 
> Twitter: celestiastarz  
> Tumblr: celestiastarz


	18. "You'll leave me all alone with just an, Empty peep hole"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He woke up somewhere new this time, he thought he was dying but unknowing he was never more alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is not an official ending to this story, but a beginning to another's. It's still canon to this AU though. (Kind of an epilogue, not really though) The POV starts out as vague but once I namedrop, it's pretty obvious lol
> 
> CW: implied character/child death, anxious feeling, Dream being referred to as a kidnapper (in case you are unsure with his connections to Tommy, at this point he considers Dream to still be a foe), the rest of the CWs are in tags

Land? That was... that was land, right? As he returned to lands familiar to him, he was forever thankful for her service. Home, finally he was home at last! He's been praying for the sweet return, but he knew better than to start celebrating. Dream was still around and, for all he knows, was still in need of another target. He was the best to go to after all. Maybe he changed his mind, he still wanted his guts on a platter after all. He jumped out of the boat, nearly forgotten to tie it up in case of an escape, and hurried into his home or whatever was left of it.

As he traveled through the SMP, he noticed the graveyard was occupied. Had someone died while he was gone? Oh, oh god. Did... he die while he was gone? Tommy forever cursed himself for being worthless, just as Dream said, that maybe if he left sooner then he could have saved him faster. Oh gosh, what a fool he was, he trusted that bastard too easily, of course, he was nothing against Dream but that didn't mean he couldn't try to be there at least.

Tommy ran to the graveyard's fence, to jump over it of course, but he froze momentarily. There he saw two new graves, he assumed one to have been Tubbo's but for the other one, he was unsure. Still, he jumped over the fence and hurried straight to where the funeral was being held. There he saw his own brothers, dead and alive, and his father dressed in black.

Oh so he was dead, he didn't want to believe it but how couldn't he when the facts were so in his face. Others were there too, Quackity, Sapnap, Karl, Bad, two sheep he did not recognize (though one was standing on two feet while the other was by Ghostbur's side), and... Dream. He appeared to have a disc in one hand, 'Mellohi' was what Tommy recognized it to be, and his other was on the shoulder of Phil to comfort him.

Phil too had something in his hand, a compass. It looked similar to Tommy's. But Tommy ignored it, as Phil placed it on his best friend's grave before he returned back to his previous spot. That compass... what did it mean? It didn't matter, Tubbo was dead. Tommy tried to think of who would be the second grave. Purpled? Niki? Fundy? Oh god, did Ranboo die? He was new too, maybe he did. Well, whoever died, he never got to know him. After all, he was trapped in exile with no means of escape, how on Earth would he get to meet the new guy? Now, he just realized that it was taking them an awfully long time to note his sudden appearance. Tommy thought of coughing to get their reaction but thought it would be rude to intrude.

Suddenly, Ghostbur turned and pointed at the boy.

"Tommy?" He called out, he sounded in disbelief.

Everyone turned, suddenly madness broke out. Most of them stayed still, but a lot of them were angry. Phil and the sheep thing was yelling at Dream, for apparently lying about something. Karl looked distant like his presence was unwanted. But Sapnap, Quackity, and Bad ran to his side, they wanted to make sure this wasn't a ghost and that he was okay. After he confirmed that he was, indeed, not dead they slowly backed off and allowed him space to go to his family. Techno and Ghostbur were silent, what's new, but Philza was loud as ever. Maybe that's where he got it from.

"You told me he was dead," Phil pointed a finger in Dream's face, "that he was washed up, drowned, whatever, you made me believe he was gone. You fucking liar!"

"Dream, what has gotten into you? Have you gone insane or something? This isn't like the boy I knew." Oh, had this sheep person known him before? No, maybe not. It wasn't kind to assume, Techno had told him the phrase when he was younger, makes an ass out of you and me.

Dream didn't say a thing but based on body language he appeared confident, as though this is what he wanted. Typical behavior, Tommy scoffed, what an asshole. Wait, died? Did Dream tell his own father that he died? It looked so work up on it too, Tommy couldn't tell if he should be happy he had Phil as his dad or worried about the implications of that statement. Perhaps he did die, but this didn't feel much like a dream. Besides, they all could see him anyways. Unless this is Hell's wrath then, if it is, it wasn't as scary as he late presumed.

He moved away from his family, none of them made an effort to speak to him out of shock and anger, to look at Tubbo's grave. That compass lurked in his head since he saw it in Phil's hands, he glanced at it and, to his horror, engrained in the metal was written, "Your Tommy".

That can't be right, he had one similar to Tommy's. The boy, with holes in his shirt and ripped-up pants, stared at the one thing he had left of Tubbo; something he thought was destroyed by Tubbo's own admission, but instead, they shared the very same thing: the compasses. They pointed at where the other's is at all times, they were built from the same materials Ghostbur had used to craft them, and yet he was lead to believe Tubbo threw it away. All of this because of Dream, he plotted this. He wanted this feeling of hopelessness as two of the allies to the country that many now call their home was left for dead. Two children died without getting a happy ending. What else did Dream lie about?

Tommy turned to the man, "You killed him, didn't you?" His voice cracked, the first time he spoke loudly was to his own enemy, fitting wasn't it?

Dream, his mask fully covered his face so reactions were not clear, had only shifted his feet but his shoulders relaxed, his body was tall and proud, "No. I wouldn't lie about it, if I knew you were coming, would I?'

"Yes, you totally would," Tommy argued back, he knew better than to believe Dream all of a sudden, "all you have done was lie to us, of course, I wouldn't believe you now!"

"But that wouldn't be as fun," Dream leaned forward, the one thing that stopped him from hurting Tommy was Phil which the younger was thankful for, "now would it?"

Mind games as always, he enjoyed those a lot while Tommy never did. He hated when others had a clue and toyed with it, it felt like Dream dangled a prize above his head like a pig or something. But if he was lying, where else could Tubbo be? Surely not anywhere far, right? But Dream would've gone there and killed him as soon as he could, they'd never find the body. Tommy felt sick to his stomach even thinking about it.

"Fuck off," Phil grunted, his arm caught on Dream's shoulder roughly, "stop trying to scare a kid." The sheep's eyes shoot daggers into Dream, it looked as equally as mad as Phil, he didn't this sheep but was thankful that they were on the same page.

A kid, that was what Tubbo was. A kid who died too young and lived too late, he was only a kid. It was why he never put it against him - the whole exile and all because, in the end, he was just doing what he needed to do. He just doing what was best. In the end, it truly wasn't his fault, it was always Dream who had failed them. He turned back to the graves. There was a second one, wasn't there. Tommy had to check on who was the other, to mourn both sides and not just one.

He felt his body drift towards the second grave, he reached out to touch the stone. In clean, neat handwriting was written a name Tommy never thought to see with his own two eyes. He retracted his hand as though the grave was a pipping hot stovetop. He reframed from any shouts or cries, he was a big man after all. It made sense why he was so scared, he couldn't help but feel childish for wanting to hide behind his brothers for safety. It must be some kind of cruel joke pulled on by them all, however, based on their reactions, it surely wasn't.

Because on that grave was no other than the words:

"Tommy Innit Minecraft 2004-2020".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a short chapter but like I said, this was more of a beginning to another story than the true ending. Hope it came off that way! Once I write the next story, I will link it here and it'll be in a series along wit this AU (not too sure what to call this AU but I'll ask a friend about it soon) Anyways, thank you for reading and I hope you'll enjoy the next fic I am planning for :D
> 
> Twitter: celestiastarz  
> Tumblr: celestiastarz


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